I Bonded With My Boat

"Mark - Sixpots None The Richer" (marklinde) 12/27/2014 at 19:45 • Filed to: Das Boot, E34, Kolbenfresser, Sixpots None The Richer

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“Great, the heater needs some work too”, I thought while standing in rush hour traffic on a cold December day. It’s yet another thing on a long list of issues that needs to be fixed. Fortunately the heated seat is giving its best to at least keep the new driver’s butt warm.

I bought a cheap, twenty year old car with 240,000km (or 150k miles) on the clock. I never expected it to be perfect and I keep calm like the owner of a very old dog that just wetted the carpet again. Everything it needs to daily drive safely is still working fine so I’m able to tackle the problems without any real urgency. I also knew beforehand that I’ll have to spend an unreasonable amount of money to address all the flaws and to set the car up for the next 100,000km or more. This financial burden is enhanced by the fact that I don’t know shit about repairing anything and need help with basic maintenance. Of course I’m willing to learn, and I will try to pick up skills, tools and the confidence to use those while working on my car.

Anyhow, all in all I can tell you that I made a good purchase. Not because the car was a bargain – my hackling was in fact terrible - , but because I don’t think about the money I spend on it. The car looks good and – heating problems aside – I feel comfortable and relaxed inside. I know it is sturdy enough to be a good companion to daily drive it and maybe travel around in it during the summer.

I have a difficult relationship with the sports exhaust though. I still don’t know whether I like it or not. To be honest with you, I listened to different setups on Youtube long before it was certain that I’d be able to buy a 520i. I quickly realised that fitting a sports exhaust could easily be an expensive mistake. So I was suspicious when I saw my car for the first time. Has the previous owner violated the car with this modification? Will it be obnoxiously loud? Will it ruin the driving experience by droning until my head explodes? I bought the car, so it clearly wasn’t bad. It makes a deep, bassy noise when idling and cruising along at low rpm. I didn’t hear it from the outside when someone floors it, yet. Inside the car the exhaust is noticeable with a deep rumble, but it’s never annoying or immoderate. !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

I like the angry, somewhat lazy character it gives the car. In addition I like that it forms an opinion about the car and me – even if it’s a bad one. Forming opinions is entertaining. And when something is entertaining, it’s clearly not boring. And “not boring” is what we want most in a car, isn’t it?

Sadly, the muffler has one big flaw. It’s – no matter how much you or I might like it – a cheap fart-can. It doesn’t enhance or fine-tune the specific BMW inline six sound in any way. It produces a noise, and I’m afraid it produces this noise almost regardless of which engine it’s bolted on to. That’s tragic in itself, but the real crime is that even non-jalops are able to hear the cheapness of it all.

Never mind!

I lusted after a big station wagon – specifically a BMW E34 520i Touring - for a few years. It combines quite a few things I like in a car in one nice looking package. And most importantly it’s a dream car I can actually afford.

So it might surprise you that in the two weeks of my ownership experience I had a slightly odd feeling of distance to my first car. I had to work, the weather was terrible and nobody I know in real life is into cars and/or is away over the holidays so I’m basically alone with the car and can’t share the experience with anyone. All of this means that I didn’t want to spend time outside with it and I drove it less than 200km until today.

Considering everyone of us loves the first car we own even if it’s a crack pipe, I wasn’t sure what I loved about my car. Was it the actual car I bought or just the statement I made with the ownership?

To be frank: The car isn’t particularly nice to drive, because everything about the boat feels heavy and stubborn. I didn’t expect a Miata-esque driving experience, and I knew that this pile of 80’s materials would struggle to keep up with modern 90hp Golf TDIs at traffic lights. But that’s not a problem for me. When I drove my cousin’s 1970 Mercury Cougar with the 302 Windsor I didn’t care for the speed either. It was all about the attitude, the noise and the style. Like the 302 wasn’t designed to win a drag race the 520i was never intended to be the performance car in the line up. The mileage and age of my car is obviously partially to blame for a lack of liveliness too. However, the engine is still relatively healthy. This was proven by pulling eagerly up to 200kph on a short stint on the Autobahn before I had to slow down. I’m sure it had some kph left in it.

Nevertheless, you have to understand that over here in Germany petrol prices and labor costs are a real concern for car owners. A twenty year old 520i is therefore excessively expensive for “normal people” like me. The only reason why I’m somewhat able to afford a six cylinder gas guzzler on a small salary is that I basically just work for the car. I share a cheap, moldy flat with two other guys and don’t have any other financial responsibilities at the moment. So I thought: Fuck it!

I don’t want to reveal too much about myself to strangers on the internet who probably read this without wearing pants, but I’m a person who tends to overthink pretty much anything in life and in the end is too afraid and/or shy to make any kind of move – let alone a daring one. And I admit that I felt the need to justify myself every time I talked about my plan to buy a 520i with my non-jalop friends. I also felt a bit like a cock when saying “I want a big six cylinder BMW” and always quickly added “station wagon” to brush the bro-iness off at least a bit.

In this context the purchase of an unreasonable money-waster with a fart-can is a glorious decision and for some people who know me perhaps an unexpected statement of boldness. I love that!

While watching the plummeting petrol gauge, I was wondering whether this infantile statement is enough to sanctify the financial abyss I’m about to fall into.

The big questions were: Is it really fun enough to drive to balance the headaches it’s going to provide regularly? And is it a jalopy delight or just an appliance which happens to be my first car with a cheap fart-can on it? Was it ultimately a mistake to buy this thing?

I was afraid – what a new feeling for me – that the car can’t possibly live up to my expectations. I avoided to get more intimate with my own dream car. What if it’s just old, scarred, slow and expensive – or downright disappointing?

So today, nearly two weeks after I bought the car I finally had the balls to confront my fear. What did I really buy?

I decided to take her out on a date. We made a road trip to the “Weser-Skywalk”.

But that was just an excuse, of course. I chose a route through the back country which offers some beautiful scenery and a few different types of road to test my car.

It was a revelation!

Like I wrote earlier, I didn’t expect it to be a performance oriented machine built for pure driving pleasure, and needless to say it wasn’t. Yet it was still amazing to experience the car for the first time without the constriction of the city and the doubts I had.

I let the car idle while clearing the windows from ice and carefully short-shifted for about another 15 minutes. My normal way to work is just 6km long so the engine is never properly warmed up while commuting. I know, I know that’s a bad thing to do. I promise you to only do it when the weather is too awful to use my bicycle. This means I never really revved the engine before today. Now I left the city behind, thought the engine was ready and stepped on it.

Third gear, 2,000rpm, 3,000rpm, 3,500 and then there it was, the BMW inline six finally came to life.

All hail the VANOS!

150hp and 190nm – when new – where never truly powerful, but for the first time I felt the surge and a - yeah, admittedly manageable - force pushing me back into the seat. I laughed out loud.

Once up to speed the big Bavarian showed me what it was designed to do: Cruising between 80 and 160kph. What was heavy and unwilling before, now felt somehow unburdened. The steering is still precise and the chassis feels planted and confidence-inspiring. This helps a lot to keep up the momentum you need to keep the engine in the power band.

Read this in your best Vin Diesel voice:

I live my life in short bursts of acceleration at a time. Nothing else matters: not the repair bills, not the petrol price, not my friends and their opinion of my car. For those 2,500rpm or less, The car revvs free and so am I.

The brakes are trustworthy enough to hit them just a bit later than a passenger might want you to.

Is the old girl a real driver’s car? I can’t compare it to anything remotely considered to be one, but it surely isn’t. It was nonetheless impressive to find out what this scruffy E34 520i is still able to do. Hell yes, it’s fun!

Don’t forget it’s almost a classic. Who cares about the new-ish Opel Soulless-Drone-Mover getting bigger in the rear-view mirror the whole time you feel like you are going supersonic? He might have the power and a crisp clutch, but he doesn’t have vim!

I’m not going to lie to you. There is a lot to do to make my boat seaworthy again, but now I’m truly convinced to tackle the task. And I’m looking forward to more adventures with my car!

More importantly: I know for sure that I love the car I bought.

Mein Boot!

Birddog > Mark - Sixpots None The Richer 12/27/2014 at 19:59

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"I feel comfortable and relaxed inside. I know it is sturdy enough to be a good companion to daily drive it and maybe travel around in it during the summer."

That's the best way to justify an emotional purchase.

ly2v8-Brian > Mark - Sixpots None The Richer 12/27/2014 at 20:01

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Awesome write up. You really get it. The fastest car isn't the best car, it's your car that's the best. The best part of driving is the connection of man and machine.

Tohru > Mark - Sixpots None The Richer 12/27/2014 at 20:02

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I lusted after a big station wagon – specifically a BMW E34 520i Touring - for a few years.

This makes me a little sad, because that's not a big wagon but it's all you poor bastards get over there. It's not fair to you, damnit. You guys need big wagons too. I shall post some to try and help.

There we go. That's better. Enjoy your wagon - it sounds like you had a good drive with it.

Mark - Sixpots None The Richer > Birddog 12/27/2014 at 20:04

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I think it's enough to justify a puchase. But emotions are a different thing. Just think about all the guys spending good money on unreliable and uncomfortable cars. They couldn't be happier. ;-)

Mark - Sixpots None The Richer > Tohru 12/27/2014 at 20:12

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Actually I considered a big American. They are awesome! No doubt, those are truly BIG wagons for sure. But those I could realistically afford to buy are of very questionable condition. And the gas prices...Hell no, it just wasn't possible even if the car is more of a hobby.

The issue of space in my lifestyle station wagon will definetely come up in another article. ;-)

Mark - Sixpots None The Richer > ly2v8-Brian 12/27/2014 at 20:13

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Thank you!

That's why I write and read on Oppo. You people care and understand. ;-)

Birddog > Mark - Sixpots None The Richer 12/27/2014 at 20:14

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For certain. Its the whole idea behind the posts by "Tavarish".

I'd rather deal with elderly BMW problems than drive a Chevy Spark (again).

JGrabowMSt > Mark - Sixpots None The Richer 12/27/2014 at 20:15

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I ended up finding a similar experience with my Magnum. I couldn't really take it out far enough to really get a feel for the car, and once I finally was able to? I was a changed man.

Eventually, with all cars, you learn what you want to get out of them, some may be fast, some may be comfortable, some may be just good old fashioned low speed fun, but a driver finds the car and decides.

Like I've tried talking a couple other Oppos into, if this isn't your sole method of transportation (and it doesn't look like it is), you can get away with tackling jobs with less experience because you're not reliant on the car. The internet is such a wealth of information, if you watch enough, you can build up the confidence to take on jobs you'd first be scared by. With the help of another Oppo on my own wagon, we did some really extensive and major parts changes to the car in a single afternoon. Sometimes you just have to jump in the fire and see what happens. What's the worst thing that could go wrong? A part breaks? It's just a part, and you learn every step of the way. You can start doing a brake job, lets you change the brake fluid and rotate the tires. Then you can do an oil change, coolant flush and spark plugs. None of those are major jobs, but they give you experience with your own car.

I'm not perfect, nor do I know everything, but I have been around the block a few times with my own car, and it's not easy. I've done stupid things, I've done cool things, I've done downright dangerous things. In the end, I learn from them. Just a year ago I didn't own my own car, I didn't own a tool box any bigger than a tissue box, and while I worked on cars with my dad, I was too busy at work to do most jobs myself. Now that's not really the case, and I'm willing to take on jobs and see what I can do by myself first. If the worst thing I do is put it back how I found it, then I've learned how to get that far in.

You're now at the point where you can make that old girl your car. The previous owner wasn't saving it just for you, so it's time to really do right and make it what it should be, and that's your own. You can be particular about keeping it original or you can turn it into the next drift monster, but whichever way you go, you'll know you put your all into it.

And that's car culture in a nutshell I think. Make it your own. I wish you two many happy miles, you'll have to keep us updated on all the ups and downs, swear words and busted knuckles. This was a fantastic read, and if this is any indication of the future updates, you'll need to set up a tag you can use on all these posts to form an update log.

Tohru > Mark - Sixpots None The Richer 12/27/2014 at 20:20

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I know in Europe it's not really practical to buy a 20' long, 8.5' wide 9 person station wagon that gets 12-16mpg if you drive it nice. Parking it in the city would be like going to the local marina to park your Nimitz-class aircraft carrier.

Hell, the 70's GM fullsizes (#6, 7, & 8) had a curb weight of almost 5800 lbs. You'd probably have to register it as a heavy goods vehicle there.

Still, though... big American wagon. *thumbs up*

whaden > Mark - Sixpots None The Richer 12/27/2014 at 20:23

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I enjoyed this very much as I've done a very similar thing of late. I just picked up a '94 e34 530i 5sp for next to nothing. it's somewhat of a unicorn here in the states with the manual. I was looking for something to wrench on and row through the gears as my pick up is an automatic. I was expecting repairs and got them. Full refurbishment of the front suspension, valve cover gaskets, shocks all around..etc. It leaks a little oil, but don't they all. I have a similar issue with the heat. I'm going to change the thermostat, but until then I've masked up the kidney grills to let the car reach operating temp more easily. The door brake needs replacing and the rear door seals pop out of looked at too hard. There's work to be done and always will be.

I race an e36, but wasn't looking for a sports car. This boat is not a sports car...it's a cruiser and damn fine one even at 20 years. Wind it up and the baby v8 growls like a kitten. I've got Frankie Goes to Hollywood in the 5 disc changer and the sound system sounds great.

I regret nothing. (except maybe that BMW chose not to bring Tourings over with manuals)

DipodomysDeserti > Tohru 12/27/2014 at 20:26

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I just puked in my mouth a little, and I love station wagons. American wagons are the reason Americans hate wagons.

Tohru > DipodomysDeserti 12/27/2014 at 20:27

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Haters gonna hate.

Mark - Sixpots None The Richer > Tohru 12/27/2014 at 20:30

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If you were willing to sacrifice the rear seats you can actually register them as trucks over here making it a bit cheaper to tax and insure them. But the issue is still petrol...

And parking my lump is difficult enough in the city centers of Old Europe. Yet my old premium car looks fragile compared to the new Golf Variant and is almost dwarfed by the big Passats. But let's not get into this debate again.

Mark - Sixpots None The Richer > whaden 12/27/2014 at 20:54

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Yes, they all do. My transmission is a bit sweaty, but the engine is suprisingly dry. Maybe there's just no oil left in it. Who knows... :-)

You have it all, man: Great car, cheesy music, no shame!

I love it, keep it up!

DipodomysDeserti > Tohru 12/27/2014 at 23:06

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The CTS wagon is the only american wagon worth owning.

Tohru > DipodomysDeserti 12/27/2014 at 23:41

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That's harsh.

Mark - Sixpots None The Richer > JGrabowMSt 01/11/2015 at 10:28

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Hey!

It's been a long time since you posted your reply and I haven't forgotten about it. I just thought you deserved a good answer.

Get ready for some pathos...

I was carrying your words around with me for two weeks and shifted them back and forth through my head.

I read your posts about the Hemiwagon before I bought my car. I never commented simply because I had nothing to say or add. I'm not sucking up to you though when I say that I love your Magnum too and admired your spirit and dedication when the shit hit the fan. So I know where your words are coming from which makes them very uplifting for me.

Thank you very much for giving me much needed confidence and optimism by sharing a bit of your spirit with me!

Of course I will keep you guys informed about my Boot and share my - hopefully predominant positive - experiences on Oppo.

The tag will be: "Sixpots None The Richer"

Mark - Sixpots None The Richer > Tohru 08/28/2020 at 18:28

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I don’t know whether you’re still lingering around here, but I actually bought a big American wagon now:

https://marklinde.kinja.com/i-bought-a-practical-city-car-sort-of-1844663948

;-)

Tohru > Mark - Sixpots None The Richer 09/12/2020 at 10:03

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Six years later but you made a fine choice.

Mark - Sixpots None The Richer > Tohru 09/12/2020 at 10:34

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Thank you!