My least favorite vehicle segment, by far, is the SHIT

"Textured Soy Protein" (texturedsoyprotein)
12/22/2014 at 16:28 • Filed to: None

Here on oppo, we often talk about not being a dick, and how it’s not nice to disparage others’ choice of vehicles. Well, in the spirit of the holidays, I’m here to talk some trash. Come at me bro!

There exists a segment of vehicles that I positively despise. Which means that because I despise these vehicles, every single person who has purchased one, is most assuredly some kind of an asshole.

This segment of vehicle doesn’t even really have a formal name. BMW calls the X6 and X4 “Sports Activity Coupes.” Mercedes-Benz calls the GLE Coupe pictured above, “the first ever GLE-Class coupe.” Because everyone knows what a GLE-Class is.

Oh wait, you’ve never heard of a GLE-Class? That’s because now all Mercedes SUVs are GL-something, and the M-Class is now the GLE-Class, because Mercedes I guess now really wants their alphanumeric model naming conventions to more closely follow Infiniti and Cadillac.

For lack of a better term, I will refer to the most abominable vehicle class ever as S woopy H atchbacktified crossover for I mage-conscious T rash.

Let us dive more deeply, into how a car company creates a SHIT:

Step 1: Take a crossover, like the BMW X5.

Step 2: Chop down the roof in back to a swoopy hatchback.

Step 3: Now it’s a sports car!

Never mind that all of these SHITs drive exactly like the crossovers on which they’re based. They have swoopy hatchbacktified rear ends! Everything with a swoopy hatchbacktified rear end is fast, obviously.

Back in the early days of SHITs, there were only two choices for the discerning SHIT enthusiast: the X6 or the Acura ZDX.

Look how swoopy that SUV’s ass is! I bet it’s faster than a Ferrari!

Acura, unfortunately, doesn’t have enough brand caché to convince people to buy a SHIT, because the Image-conscious Trash who purchase SHITs obviously would never be caught behind the wheel of some gussied-up Honda .

I suppose one could argue that the ZDX is not quite a SHIT, and is more of a SHBIT ( S woopy H atchbacktified crossover for B udget- and I mage-conscious T rash). The SHBIT demographic proved to be a small one, and Acura !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .

BMW however, was much more fortunate with X6 sales, selling a few hundred thousand of them so far. The new, second-generation X6 electric boogaloo just came out.

BMW was so happy with the growth of the SHIT segment, that they decided to double down on the SHIT and release the X4: which is a bit of a SHBIT because it is cheaper than the X6, but it still has a BMW badge on it and you need to spend $10k in options before it will be equipped as nicely as the ZDX.

Yes, this is an X4. It looks so different from the X6. Can’t you tell?

This is not an off-road vehicle, and not a sports car. You also can’t see out the back of it. Because if you’re a SHITty person who would buy a SHIT to drive, you obviously don’t give a shit about the shit behind you.

What a load of shit.

DISCUSSION (23)

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Textured Soy Protein
12/22/2014 at 16:35

Kinja'd!!!

This is just hideous.

Who looks and an X6 and thinks, hey, we need to build one of those!

TheHondaBro > Textured Soy Protein
12/22/2014 at 16:36

Kinja'd!!!

That actually looks pretty cool.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com
12/22/2014 at 16:38

Any sane person who has looked at sales figures for the X6.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > TheHondaBro
12/22/2014 at 16:38

2nded

Textured Soy Protein > sm70- why not Duesenberg?
12/22/2014 at 16:39

The accountants reading those sales figures obviously said,

"Look how many people bought this SHIT!"

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > Textured Soy Protein
12/22/2014 at 16:42

Yeah, I always thought that they were the most hideous things on the road. Still do. It's indecisive because it doesn't know what it wants to be, but somehow manages to take the disadvantages of every segment of car and put them together.

Autofixation > Textured Soy Protein
12/22/2014 at 16:46

Well said, I definitely agree. Oh yeah, and a coupe has two fucking doors.

Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready > Textured Soy Protein
12/22/2014 at 16:54

I think that the Crosstour is at least partially a SHIT.

Kinja'd!!!

nermal > Textured Soy Protein
12/22/2014 at 16:56

Eh. They're in the Vice President category of Fuck You Money cars.

Not quite the top line (P1 / 918 / The Ferrari), or even high end luxury like a V12 Mercedes or a Bently. Not something you need to be the CEO to afford, but something that a VP can, around the $80k range.

The people that buy these are trying to show off Fuck You Money. They're crying out for attention, because that's what they think they need to get to the next level up the corporate ladder. And these vehicles speak right to them.

But that's all the higher they'll ever get.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > sm70- why not Duesenberg?
12/22/2014 at 16:56

In the US, they sold 28 in August, 19 in September, and 19 in October. Killing it! Wonder if they ran into production issues.

For North America, they're averaging ~550 a month. Is that good? With the profit margin, good enough, apparently, to keep making them...

http://www.goodcarbadcar.net/2011/01/bmw-x6…

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com
12/22/2014 at 17:11

When you consider that they sell 4500-6000 a year in the U.S. (35-45k year worldwide) of what are basically X5s with different sheet metal, and they get about $4-6k more on each one, apparently it does make some sense. Don't get me wrong, they are dumb vehicles. But if BMW wasn't making money on them, they wouldn't have introduced a new one after seven years, and Merc wouldn't be copying them.

Textured Soy Protein > Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready
12/22/2014 at 17:18

Sort of, except it's more like swoopy Outback version of an Accord.

Textured Soy Protein > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com
12/22/2014 at 17:22

I'm guessing that dip in August thru October was before they ramped up production on the 2015 X6. The November sales number looks to be back at their normal SHITty pace.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > sm70- why not Duesenberg?
12/22/2014 at 17:43

Yeah. Ugh...