The Worst Drivers in the World

"Matthew Keyser" (teisco15) 12/06/2014 at 00:20 • Filed to: None

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Driving is, in most cases, fairly simple. You push one pedal to go faster, another pedal to stop, and you turn the big circle in front of you to point the car the way you want to go. This seems like an easy concept to grab hold of, especially here where driving is more of an obsession than a required activity. For something so simple, it's amazing that some people can be so terrible at it.

Before we get into it, lets clearly define what the term 'bad driver' means. Everybody has the odd moment of absentmindedness whether it be popping the clutch or cutting a curb or straying across a center divider or staring blankly into space as the traffic light turns from red to green and back to red again. Mistakes happen, and that's okay. Just because another motorist may have yelled out their window advising you to get your head out of an area that is physically impossible for a head to reach or, God forbid, enter does not mean you are a bad driver. You most likely are not a bad driver because you are reading this website and that means you care.

Bad drivers cannot drive for an extended period of time without endangering the lives of themselves or people around them. Bad drivers do not have moments of absentmindedness, they have chronic absentmindedness. They are not the kind of people that have mean things shouted at them, they are the reason these phrases were invented.

So do we now know what a bad driver is? Good! Now lets pinpoint them and construct a well thought out plan on how to enlighten them of the wonders of public transportation. One important thing I must mention is that this will not turn into a race or gender argument because such a thing would just be unintelligent and would be based solely on opinion where as this article with be completely factual in every way. Okay maybe not. Also this will not become a state or city debate no matter how terrible Florida drivers are.

Here I will mainly focus on two groups generally labeled as bad drivers, the first being the elderly.

Old people get a bad rap, lets just get that out there. They are often stereotyped as slow walking, unhealthy nuisances that just get in the way of all us young people trying to do important things. They are also widely regarded to be very bad drivers. There is some truth to this as the daily parking routine for an elderly man often involves the words "that'll do" and a single mother of 4 coming out of the grocery store to see a Cadillac Brougham Sedan parked on the hood of her minivan. Old people tend to drive not using the usual senses of sight and sound, but rather their senses of feel. Bounce off the front of a Hyundai Elantra, scrape the rear of a Saab 93, back up a few inches and there. Parked!

I cannot be the only one that has observed this in the wild. It's a common occurrence that I'm driving behind a dented, beige Buick LaSabre that is somehow driving 20 miles an hour under the limit and struggling to stay in their lane at the same freaking time and wonder "How many millions of years old will this person be when I pass them?" This is a question that is always answered incorrectly because as confidence reaches peak levels and you pull out to pass you find that the person driving isn't old at all, its actually the old ladies teenage grandson driving, because no matter how bad an old person is at driving, teenagers are worse.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Why would a teenager be driving their grandmother around?" and I, as a teenage boy, can only assume that there is some sort of free food involved. Now some of you might not have thought that. Some of you may be more enlightened and focused on the topic. Bravo you!

Old people aren't as bad of drivers because they have a reason to suck at driving. Old people tend to be old. This means in the time since they have received any form of driving instruction, man has walked on the moon and in some cases the steering wheel was invented. In the time since most teenagers received any form of driving instruction, they ate a pizza and took a 3 hour nap. Teenagers suck at driving because they simply don't care. They have to change the "music" on their stereo and text Taylor about what Alex did last night. They have to drink their sandwich and eat their coffee because they are too stoned to tell the difference and they aren't worried about consequences because 'nothing bad ever happens to them.' They will think this right up to the moment when something bad does happen to them, all because Alex did something that just couldn't wait for a stoplight.

Having recently been through drivers Ed and experiencing the testing necessary to acquire a license, it's amazing to me that people my age can be so unintelligent to risk their freedom to drive themselves around and possibly even more just to show off to a friend. The current crop of old people will only be clogging up our roads for a few more years so you might as well just pass them and let them be on their merry way. Teenagers have a much longer timeline meaning they will be on our roads for a much longer time and while they will eventually grow out of the carelessness of being a teenager, the rebellious attitude in formative driving years teamed with no driving tests required to renew a license in most states means that teenagers on the roads today may have stepped out of the instructors car at the DMV to never again properly drive an automobile in their lives.

Since it is virtually impossible to ban bad drivers from driving, I propose a new regulation on automobiles. All vehicles from now on should be sold and/or converted to have a manual transmission. Used cars and all. This is a brilliant idea, most stupid people on the road can barely operate an automatic, let alone a car with 3 pedals so they will be left to public transport. Shame. It's also very hard to eat or drink or talk on the phone while driving a manual meaning fewer people would be doing things such as that. On top of all this, many older people have sore, arthritic knees and shoulders making manual driving tricky. This means that every Sunday, a grandmother can call upon her grandson to drive her now manual-swapped dented, beige Buick LaSabre into town for a pint of milk, and a free lunch.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > Matthew Keyser 12/05/2014 at 23:50

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"I cannot be the only one that has observed this in the wild. It's a common occurrence that I'm driving behind a dented, beige Buick LaSabre that is somehow driving 20 miles an hour under the limit and struggling to stay in their lane at the same freaking time and wonder "How many millions of years old will this person be when I pass them?" This is a question that is always answered incorrectly because as confidence reaches peak levels and you pull out to pass you find that the person driving isn't old at all, its actually the old ladies teenage grandson driving, because no matter how bad an old person is at driving, teenagers are worse."

Well... shit.

At least it isn't beige...

VonBelmont > Matthew Keyser 12/05/2014 at 23:53

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Let's talk about my family, shall we?

My dad is guilty of driving with two feet in an automatic. Left foot on brake, right foot on gas. Not that he's used to stick, he can't drive a stick shift. Refuses to change. Goes through brakes like most people go through shoes. He was probably the first person to crash a car by texting and driving, way back in the late '90s. His insurance is higher than his car payments.

My oldest brother goes everywhere at top speed while checking his phone and blasting music. Doesn't know what a turn signal is.

My older brother drives an auto like a stick shift. He shifts into neutral at a light, then clicks it into 1-3, then D. He thinks that's how "real driver's drive". He destroyed the transmission on no less than 3 cars this way.

My mom honks. At everything.

I occasionally go too slow if I'm not sure of the speed limit.

DoYouEvenShift > Matthew Keyser 12/05/2014 at 23:58

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I can overlook 90% of the things bad drivers do on the roads. But this drives me to the point of killing a fellow motorist.

wafflesnfalafel > Matthew Keyser 12/06/2014 at 00:00

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I did business with a lady for years who lived in central Oregon. She hotshoed her Buick Regal all over rural Oregon into her 70's, clipping apexes at something above the posted speed limit. She was a big Darrel Waltrip fan, (and had a bit of a similar personality.) I remember talking with her about a speeding ticket, (her first one she claimed though I kind of doubt it,) and was angry, not that the cop gave it to her, but that she let herself get caught. A stroke ended up taking her several years ago - but she was sharp as a tack to the very last day.

Matthew Keyser > wafflesnfalafel 12/06/2014 at 00:03

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That's awesome! She sounds like she was quite the lady

Matthew Keyser > DoYouEvenShift 12/06/2014 at 00:04

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this is downright my least favorite

Matthew Keyser > VonBelmont 12/06/2014 at 00:05

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You're alright! Might want to spread your knowledge to the rest of the bunch though haha

Rainbow > DoYouEvenShift 12/06/2014 at 00:26

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I will occasionally drive somewhat recklessly around these people in hopes that they'll either hit a telephone pole or my car before running down a pedestrian. So far no contact, but I did get a girl in a New Beetle to lock up all four wheels in the rain. She kept both hands on the wheel for the next several miles until I turned off, so I consider it a success.

And no, I don't mean I'm actively trying to cause a wreck. I'll just merge a lot closer than usual and/or drive slightly under the limit. Simple, legal things that any aware driver can avoid.

VonBelmont > Matthew Keyser 12/06/2014 at 00:34

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They don't listen.

DoYouEvenShift > Rainbow 12/06/2014 at 00:35

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Thats awesome. Ill honk at them sometimes, and every now and then, you'll seem them go into a gas-brake-gas-brake frenzy for a couple seconds until they figure out what's happening.

Matthew Keyser > VonBelmont 12/06/2014 at 00:38

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I guess its just your responsibility to carry the good driving torch! Carry it with pride!

DavidHH > Matthew Keyser 12/06/2014 at 03:33

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In Portland we have a white haired old lady that drives a Falcon Super Sport. Think 289 4-speed with posi. Of course she used to race the very same car back in the 60s and 70s.

DavidHH > DoYouEvenShift 12/06/2014 at 03:35

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I just shoot them and dump their lifeless body in the river.

DavidHH > VonBelmont 12/06/2014 at 03:36

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So you are the only member of the family that is not crazy?

pip bip - choose Corrour > VonBelmont 12/06/2014 at 03:52

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i'm sorry , but it sounds like your family need to be taken out and shot.

Sam > VonBelmont 12/06/2014 at 04:15

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My dad rages at everything. Someone having trouble with a merge, because assholes don't get over? Horn and yelling. Someone not knowing if it's their turn at a stop sign? So much yelling. He also tends to stop way over the line at intersections. By this, I mean that he has literally stopped nearly in the center of an intersection before. (The car coming across from the left had to go into the other lane of traffic.)

I tend to fluctuate my speed a lot, hovering between the speed limit and 5mph over. I also brake much earlier for stop signs and lights than I need to. I'll slow my self down to 10-15mph by the time I'm 100ft from the intersection.

DoYouEvenShift > DavidHH 12/06/2014 at 08:28

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Haha, I just wish the river wasnt so far from my house!

VonBelmont > pip bip - choose Corrour 12/06/2014 at 10:12

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Gee, that's a tad extreme, don'tcha think?

Saoul-Virage > Matthew Keyser 12/06/2014 at 11:02

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To convert every automatic to manual might clear some problem but it'll not resolve "iPhone Driving". Even if my country is full of manual gearboxes, I clearly see more and more people texting or speaking with their phone. I would be totally OK with that... if this activity doesn't transform them into complete "no brain/fuck logic/zero attention" driver. For example, driving in city, stuck in 2nd gear going half the speed limit, change lane without turn sigal and without even watching if a car was beside them and then ran the red light to block the crossroad.
Is it that hard to not text while driving ?

pip bip - choose Corrour > VonBelmont 12/06/2014 at 19:02

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no

NJAnon > Matthew Keyser 12/07/2014 at 20:25

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I remember a lady that was on the phone in her car and getting out at a gas station when someone asked her why she was putting other peoples lives at risk. The lady claimed she was doing business and couldn't do her job without it. lol as if she was David Gardner doing multiple stock investments or something. cmon

A guy straight up told me he was partially blind and got a license (he said that DMV was dumber than him) and that he'll keep getting away with his bad driving until the police make him stop.

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > Matthew Keyser 12/08/2014 at 08:43

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It comes to this:

If you aren't interested, you probably won't be any good.

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > VonBelmont 12/08/2014 at 08:53

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Driving with 2 feet is perfectly accaptable, done right. For example, it is often safer in traffic as it speeds up you reaction time, as you don't need to change pedals. It's old people who do it for the sake of simplicity who make it a hazard. EG. since your left leg tends to be harder to modulate on the pedal unless you really concentrate (which you should be doing anyways) and many old drivers tend to be skittish, the 2-foot driver tends to brake quite jerkily. Also many tend to drag the brakes, etc. I don't use 2 feet myself, I tended to be way too jerky when I tried it, but it is still the better way to drive if you can master it.

TL;DR- 2-foot driving if fine if you can master it. Most drivers who do it seem to lack the necessary skills.

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > DoYouEvenShift 12/08/2014 at 08:55

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HOW can that text POSSIBLY be so important that arriving at the destination in a body bag is a risk worth taking?

I don't get it.

Drips.

DoYouEvenShift > Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer 12/08/2014 at 09:24

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Exactly. Show some respect to your fellow motorist. And pedestrians.

Your in control of a 4k+ lb machine, traveling inches away from others at a great speed. Pay attention.

sgtyukon > Matthew Keyser 12/27/2014 at 16:36

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Many people, and a lot of New York residents too, think drivers from New Jersey are the worst. This is not true. Drivers from New Jersey suspected of driving badly are simply looking for a way to make a left turn.

Mr. Edward Mann-Polandballer > Saoul-Virage 12/27/2014 at 21:15

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My sister has a road trip horror story, thanks to my aunt. While driving on the interstate, she was driving her stick shift mazda 2, with her knees, shifting with her knees, and with her Starbucks coffee and ipotato in her hands. My sister offered to hold my aunt's coffee and IPhone, and she declined. IPhone driving will never die. Ever.

NikosChios > Rainbow 12/28/2014 at 09:33

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Hahahahahaha!!!!! I do that all the time!!!!

KayGB > Matthew Keyser 12/28/2014 at 10:02

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Keyser, chances are more than even that old dimwits driving cars were dimwits when they started driving. Really competent drivers tend to stay competent for their whole lives or at least until advancing years degrades too many of their sensors.

So from 44 years of more or less accident free driving here and in Europe I'd like to list some things you should take to heart:

Always signal lane changes and turns, and always shoulder check. The mirrors are not enough to see MOTORCYCLES and probably the stupidest car on the planet, the Smart.

Try not to follow too close. I know that on most of the roads of the brain dead in North America this is impossible because some cretin will always pull into any sensible following gap. The ignorant abound.

When you are waiting to turn a corner into, let's say, three lanes of traffic, IT IS PERFECTLY OK TO PULL INTO THE FIRST ONE, IN FACT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO. May Allah rain misfortune on the heads of the "I need to be in the second lane, I've no idea whyers"

Learn how to bloody merge onto high speed roadways!!! YOU DO NOT STOP ON THE SLIP ROAD! If someone is beside you as you merge, you can actually speed up or slow down a bit. The Knights Templar kept this secret for centuries but I'm letting the cat out of the bag.

Learn to check your six really often if you like your music loud, then perhaps you might notice the odd emergency vehicle who wants to go somewhere to save someone's life. AND TO ALL YOU GODDAMNED CLUELESS ARSEHOLES OUT THERE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PULL OVER AS FAR AS SAFELY POSSIBLE AND COME TO A STOP. This is almost always the rule in most civilized countries.

Study the words "STOP" and "YIELD", and strive to understand them.

There's lots more but if people could just master the above, I reckon traffic efficiency would double.

At least once in your life, go drive in the Far East. Or the Middle East if it isn't all just smoking craters. That'll fix your wagon.

By the way, at 16, you've got about 14 years of being the compleat idjit to look forward to. In general. Ask me how I know.

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > DoYouEvenShift 12/28/2014 at 13:34

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Killing motorists who text while driving might just be a humane solution. For every one of them taken off of the roads you could save multiple lives, probably 3 on average. "Acceptable losses".

Denver Is Stuck In The 90s > Saoul-Virage 12/29/2014 at 04:51

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I drive a stick and even I have figured out a way to shuffle through my music while driving. I do it by mounting my phone to the windshield, leaving it unlocked, plugged into the aux adapter, charging and only messing with it when in a steady gear on a straight road with minimal traffic. Im not proud that I do that, But I will never text and drive. Ever

kiloofblow > Rainbow 12/29/2014 at 08:30

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So you become a distracted driver... Great job.

Rainbow > kiloofblow 12/29/2014 at 10:13

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I don't think you understand what constitutes a distraction.