Song for the day (music) + getting things off my chest

"FKA-RacecaR" (FKA-RacecaR) 12/05/2014 at 09:43 • Filed to: None

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I may have put this video up on here before, but it is fitting again today.

And this verse in particular sits with me.

I have been completely unable to maintain any semblance of relationship on any level
I have been a bastard to the people who have actively attempted to deliver me from peril
I have been acutely undeserving of the ear that listen up and lip that kiss me on the temple
I have been accustomed to a stubborn disposition that admits it wish it's history disassembled
I have been a hypocrite in sermonizing tolerance while skimming for a ministry to pretzel
I have been unfairly resentful of those I wish had acted different when the bidding was essential
I have been a terrible communicator prone to isolation over sympathy for devils
I have been my own worst enemy since the very of genesis of rebels

Today, I have my last session with a therapist.

I have been fighting depression for years now. Depression, anxiety, paranoia, and all the fun stuff that goes with it. I "dealt" with it for a long time. But about a year ago, it started getting worse. I would have the ups and downs of normal emotions, but then they were being replaced by long bouts of depression. They were lasting longer, and becoming more frequent. Suicidal thoughts, lack of focus, outbursts of rage towards my wife and kids, no motivation, and shutting people out all started to become part of my every day life. My wife was aware of my "depression", but not that it was as bad as it actually was. I would blame it on things, or tell her I was just tired. She knew nothing about the suicidal thoughts. When I mentioned that to the doctor, and she was in the room with me, she was shocked.

I have always decided I would handle things on my own until they start to affect my family. That happened. I planned for a long time to get help. I just never got around to it. I spoke to my wife and my two best friends about it. They agreed and urged me to get help. I debated with myself and fought the urge to turn away from asking for help. Then Robin Williams killed himself.

I was not a huge Robin Williams fan. Actually I found his style of humor obnoxious and annoying. But as I learned more about the man, I saw a lot of myself. He was functioning with depression, for the most part. His death really pushed me over the edge to get help. A day or so after learning more details about his suicide, I called my doctor to set up an appointment. I did not want to keep "dealing" with this, and lose the fight in my 40's, 50's, or 60's.

So I went to my family doc on a Friday, and he prescribed a medication. I began taking it that day. He said the side effects would last about a week; and he was right. I dealt with the odd side effects for about a week, then they kind of wore off. Nausea, exhaustion (I took a nap Friday, Saturday, and Sunday), and a few other things. It has kind of evened out now.

He also suggested I call the free employee assistance people at my wife's work as she works for the same hospital that the doc is part of.

I went back to see him the day after we got back from vacation back in September for a follow up. He asked if I had called the number yet to talk to someone. When I told him no, he said I need to do it soon. He also said it should take about a month for the medicine to really hit full effect.

Of course, calling that number was another "asking for help" moment, so I put it off. Well I woke up one morning, and was in a bad way. I decided right then and there I need to get in to talk to someone. I called the number. My doctor said it was a temporary fix, and if I need to continue to talk to someone, he would help me find a psychiatrist once it is all done.

I continued to go back to my family doc for monthly check ups. When it seemed the one med was not doing well enough, he put me on an additional one. So now I am taking two medications, and can tell a HUGE difference. Talking things through has also helped.

I do not believe I will look for a psychiatrist after my meeting with the therapist today.

I began working out again this past weekend, and it has also made a difference. I feel like I'm pulling out of the slump. I know there is still a lot of work to do, and there will be failures, set backs, and falls, but I just have to keep my head up and keep going.

So that is my story. Just want to get it out there.

If you are "dealing" with depression, PLEASE talk to someone. If it does not go away, it is not the regular cycle of emotions. Clinical depression is not just moping around feeling sad. It goes beyond that.

Here is an Evo doing what it does best for you time.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > FKA-RacecaR 12/05/2014 at 09:49

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Been dealing with that shit for the last ten years myself, not fun. Been on various pills and shit, never made me better, just more numb. Talking to a therapist though, THAT helped me talk to my friends about how I felt (I've always been the funny outgoing guy to them). So yeah, depression ain't funny on any level.

Get well soon mate and remember, it's nothing to be ashamed of, call a friend, call that old teacher you liked because he/she was cool, call someone if things get bad :)

Oh, and cool tune mate.

FKA-RacecaR > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh 12/05/2014 at 09:55

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I was always hesitant about taking pills for something like this. I did not want it to make me numb. But the combo I am on now works perfect for me (other than nearly killing my libido).
I still hate people, but no longer hate myself. It's a win win! HA!

And I agree, talking made a HUGE difference for me. Even as soon as I talked to my wife about it seriously, I felt better. Then every time I talked to someone else, it helped more.

Good luck getting yours worked out! Hang in there and stay strong.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > FKA-RacecaR 12/05/2014 at 09:59

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I was very hesitant about pills myself, but I tried, just don't work though. But I've got a therapist that I meet once a week (been doing that for 3 years now) and that helps.

Always stay strong, always fight :)