I Feel A Little Dumb

"McMike" (mcmike) 11/30/2014 at 10:24 • Filed to: None

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Last night, I was talking to the dumbest car guy I know.

He isn't a car guy, really, but will spew all sorts of bullshit about his automatic base Mini. He tells me that he really needs to be careful on the highway because it's so powerful, and that it handles the curves like a race car, etc. While I can appreciate his enthusiasm, I just can't stand listening to the same stories over and over again.

It's just like that guy in high school that tries to tell you that he has a corvette engine in his Ford truck because it's a 350ci V8. Just uninformed, but thinks all his facts are right.

He is friends with my neighbor, and while a nice enough guy, he always wants to talk about cars with me, and I try by best not to be left alone in a room with him.

So, last night he trapped me. Told me that his transmission went out on the Mini, and instead of fixing it, he got a GREAT deal on a 2015 Cooper S. Blah, blah, blah.. he went on and on about it probably quoting all the things the salesman told him about it.

Then he dropped the bomb. "It's basically a Series 2 BMW underneath." then I smiled, nodded, congratulated him, and ran away before my eyes started rolling around my head. I'm pretty sure he didn't even know the 2 Series existed until that day..

What are salesmen telling people these days that would made him think that? What could they possibly have in common with a Mini Cooper S for the salesman to compare and send him on his way with this delusion?

My beer-fueled thumbs went off to the internet to whine about it, then it hit me.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Shit. I totally forgot about this thing.

And to think my eyes were rolling last night. Why the hell did they call this a "2 Series???"

Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' > McMike 11/30/2014 at 10:31

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Oh God, I feel sorry for you. I HATE talking to non-car guys about cars. It's just so difficult, I want to correct them about everything they say, I get really angry sometimes... But it's best to just let it slide and walk away like you did.

Like this summer, I was talking to an otherwise good friend about wagons, and he kept insisting that they are never ever longer than their sedan counterparts.
I tried to explain, ''the wheelbase can be the same, but they DO sometimes make the rear overhang longer...'' — ''NO NO NO they are always the same you are wrong!''

Pitchblende > McMike 11/30/2014 at 10:31

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I know that BMW's numbering system has gone a bit odd lately, but I thought it was a joke the first time I saw the name on that car. Does BMW even know what a 2 series is?

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > McMike 11/30/2014 at 10:31

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I would not be boasting if my car shared a platform with that though...

Jayhawk Jake > McMike 11/30/2014 at 10:31

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Ugh, I hate people like that. People that think they're 'car guys' but won't admit they no nothing. I mean, I don't know everything but I don't pretend I do.

A similar thing to your mini guy is one of my coworkers: anytime I start chatting cars with someone he has to chime in about his Subaru Forester, and he puts that car on such an undeserved pedestal. "It's a turbo it's so fast I have to be careful", "it's all wheel drive it can off-road with the best of them", "it gets 24 mpg, that's incredible"...sigh

Funktheduck > McMike 11/30/2014 at 10:41

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So there was this d-bag when I was in high school that went to a different school than me but somehow occasionally showed up at parties. He had a 95 or so prelude that he loved to brag about. He talked about all the money he made street racing and how fast it was. He said it was turbocharged and supercharged. We all doubted he even had a prelude because we never saw it bc he was always riding with someone else. His excuse was it was having upgrades done or he had been racing the night before and he was hiding it from the cops. Finally, one night I was having a party and he showed up in his car but parked down the street. When we (car friends) found out we literally ran out to it. We had him pop the hood. We asked him where his supercharger/turbochargers were. He pointed to the alternator and called it a supercharger and we couldn't see the turbo because it was behind the engine and it was dark. I got my flashlight. We kindly told him he was full of shit and he left. He never changed his stories but he didn't tell them when car guys were around.

Jayhawk Jake > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/30/2014 at 10:42

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I don't mind talking to non car people about cars, it's non car people who think they are car people that are the problem.

TwinCharged - Is Now UK Opponaut > McMike 11/30/2014 at 10:42

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I was once in Geography and we were identifying the locations in the Burgess concentric model by looking at pictures of housing. This one guy self-proclaimed petrolhead (he isn't really, you'll find out soon enough) asks me to identify a car parked on a house's driveway. I told him it was a Rover 800. It even said so on the back.

Immediately, he puts his hand up and smugly says, "Miss, that's a picture of the countryside because there's a Land Rover in front of the house."

I spent the next two minutes cradling my head in second-hand embarrassment.

Jayhawk Jake > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 11/30/2014 at 10:43

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You would if you didn't know what it actually was

Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready > Jayhawk Jake 11/30/2014 at 10:43

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Step one: Find a friend with a jeep.

Step two: invite coworker for a day of off-roading.

Step three: profit.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > Jayhawk Jake 11/30/2014 at 10:43

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This is true, it has a BMW badge after all.

Nibby > McMike 11/30/2014 at 10:47

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dude my corolla is so fast and it handles like a dream

last night i smoked a ferrari, dumbass driver

McMike > Pitchblende 11/30/2014 at 10:48

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I stopped paying attention to BMW once they started confusing me with their CoupeHatchGTSedan. Now whenever someone talks about BMW, I have to ask them "OK, which one is that again?"

Earlier this year, I think I was on track with figuring out the numbering system.

2 - the old 1

3 - just the 3

4 - Interesting 3

5 - Just the 5

6 - Interesting 5

7 - Plain-old 7

Now they throw this little 3-cyl front driven Honda Fit in the same class as the rest of the 2-Series cars?

Is the Active Tourer even offered in the states?

Vicente Esteve > McMike 11/30/2014 at 10:48

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In that case. Salesmen are quite smarter than we thought.

Kanaric > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/30/2014 at 10:48

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The worst this is when they insist their unfacts are correct, it's why I don't talk cars with people who are not confirmed car guys.

McMike > Vicente Esteve 11/30/2014 at 10:51

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I have a feeling that most of the facts he spits our come directly from the salesmen.

McMike > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/30/2014 at 10:57

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He often comes around the neighborhood for cookouts and campfires, and says shit like,

Him: "I was going to bring my MINI tonight, but decided not to. I don't need to attract that kind of attention from the cops if I've had a beer or two."

And this wonderful conversation

Him: "I was driving my MINI the other day, and it was soo nice. The weather was perfect, I had the top down, and the thing handles the curves so well...

Me: "Wait, did you trade in your hard top for a convertible?"

Him: "No, I had the sunroof open."

Me: (bites tongue)

Textured Soy Protein > McMike 11/30/2014 at 10:59

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Well technically , the new F55/F56 Mini Cooper and the 220i and 225i Active Tourers all use versions of the BMW B48 motor . I'm not positive but they might actually share a platform.

That said, it's probably not the 2-series your friendo is thinking of.

Jayhawk Jake > Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready 11/30/2014 at 11:00

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I have a friend with a Jeep

Vicente Esteve > McMike 11/30/2014 at 11:04

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Oh I believe so. The most absurd fact one told me was when I went to test drive the Renault Duster (I live in Mexico). He told me that the engine was of AMAZING performance.

He asked me who was at the time winning races in F1. I told him Renault-Red Bull. Then he pointed enthusiastically to the badge in front of the Duster as if F1 engineers truly helped in its development.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > McMike 11/30/2014 at 11:11

1

The confusing ones are the new 3 and 4.

2 - The small two-door (think new version of the 2002)

3- The 3-series with 4 doors (why isn't this the 4 series? I have no idea)

4- The 3 series with 2 doors (this should be the 3 series, because reasons)

5- Same old 5er

6- Big coupe thing. Has been since the 70's

7- Used to be a 6-series with two extra doors. Now is the big imposing luxo machine. V12 for added ruling-small-African-countries capabilities.

The 2-Series Active Tourer is unclassifiable, but is sort of the new, horribly ugly version of the 135i that we (unfortunately|obviously) didn't get in the states

Mate this with an i3, add some doors, beat it around with an ugly stick, kick it in the groin twice for good measure, and you have the 2-Series Active Tourer

McMike > Textured Soy Protein 11/30/2014 at 11:16

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Yeah, I realize that NOW.

If I had remembered this little Honda Fit-ish 2 series last night, I would have dug into it a little deeper with him about it, asked him how similar they were, etc..

I was also going to ask him more questions about his new car, (guessing it was a 4-door auto) but I was too busy running away after the 2 series comment, and he started going into the infotainment specs.

He's the kind of guy who will jump into any conversation just to be part of it. Once, there was a pretty detailed enterprise network security conversation a few guys were having. He chimed in and just started talking about how great his iMac and MacBook Air was, and how easy they were to use, and said he has never been "hacked."

Every person in the conversation stopped, paused, looked at him with their mouth open, then started talking about something else.

The guy kills good conversations.

Driver > McMike 11/30/2014 at 11:49

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Those low IQ guys make great cops. yeah.

Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready > Jayhawk Jake 11/30/2014 at 11:49

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That makes Step One easier.

McMike > Driver 11/30/2014 at 11:52

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Cops? What?

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > McMike 11/30/2014 at 12:23

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This is self-explanatory

Rico > McMike 11/30/2014 at 13:04

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A long time ago I had a guy with an Acura tell me he got more HP because he got bigger piston rings.

Bigger. Piston. Rings.

Rico > McMike 11/30/2014 at 13:06

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What a tool. Glad you don't correct him it would just be a waste of breath.

norskracer98-ExploringTheOutback > Nibby 11/30/2014 at 13:18

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We all know the Ferrari smoked itself

McMike > Rico 11/30/2014 at 13:41

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I always wonder where these idea come from. In some cases, they are just lying, in others, it's probably just something they read or misunderstood.

Maybe someone said that bigger piston rings would allow for more boost in a forced induction scenario and therefore could be more powerful? Just I guess, but it had to come from somewhere, right?

Whenever I hear stuff like this I wonder what the original factoid was.

Rico > McMike 11/30/2014 at 14:03

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Yeah sometimes I wonder where it came from. I just don't get the point of lying. I, like you, just nod my head and go along with it not correcting them.

McMike > Rico 11/30/2014 at 17:59

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I don't always nod my head though.

If they correct me in front of others and are wrong, the gloves come off.

Alex B > Nibby 11/30/2014 at 18:00

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Bro, my Civic coupé is faster and handles better! The other day I drag raced a Bugatti Veyron. Guess who won.