What would you do as head of ///M division?

"JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7" (jayzayeighty) 11/09/2014 at 18:05 • Filed to: But more importantly what I would do

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Many of us complain about the recent direction of the German performance divisions; that they're diluted, emotionless. And that may be true to a great extent. But what would you do if they were (drools) under your command?

Preface

The year is 2007 (or something close to that, just go with it) and you have a screaming V10 to make everyone drool over two otherwise controversial cars: the E6x platform. There's also a screaming V8 and lots of analog characteristics in the good one-size-fits-all new yuppie mobile, the E9x 3 series. Not to mention a screaming straight six in the light, small Z4 coupe/roadster. Before these, there are countless other cars that put driving feel and pleasure above all else (including raw numbers) and are similar in philosophy: M535i, E28 M5, E34 M5, E24 M6, E30 M3, E36 M3, E46 M3, Z3 M roadster/coupe. These cars all had high-revving normally aspirated engines and an emphasis on intimacy with the road. But times are changing, BMW is throwing turbochargers at everything, and numbers/ease of use are taking precedent more than ever to boost ever-increasing sales further. Something must be done to keep the cars relevant from a pure performance standpoint, and that means tough decisions that will aggravate the purist minority so often laughed at and outnumbered by bragging douchewads. Remember, the division must deal with more weight, stricter regulations, and appealing to non-enthusiasts, so I applaud them for preserving manual transmissions alone. But I'd do things differently.

Problem

-more power
-more torque
-lower costs
-more marketing appeal

Solution

Develop a larger displacement I6 to make up for torque while retaining a more satisfying top end. To keep costs down, make it adaptable to a number of applications. The N52 is the lightest production straight six ever and is put in mere grocery getters, so the M division can develop something with its lightweight features while retaining better component strength for greater output. Instead of turbocharging, I'd turn to supercharging to retain the NA character while making turbocharged power. A high revving 3.2 liter running a small twin screw setup would be ideal in the M2, easily making 400+ hp (slightly detuned) with DI and better torque than the V8 for the naysayers. If need be, displacement could be bumped by .2l to keep in competitive well into the foreseeable future. The M3 (we shan't need any M4 badges, corporate) can use a higher displacement variant—3.6L to allow for a slight displacement bump to 3.8 for racing/future versions. Its supercharger can be intercooled with higher boost levels to both save money and help differentiate from the M3's power plant. 450hp reliably is not unreasonable at all, and the larger displacement translates to more torque to help lug the extra weight around. For fuel efficiency, the Valvetronic system would be used.

Now on to the M5 and M6. The E28 and E34 used 6 cylinders; the E39 used 8. Finally, the E60 uses 10. Naturally, a V12 will be the engine of choice. Weight from under the hood shouldn't be an issue, because the powerful N73 engine found in the 760(l)i is practically two N53 (N52 direct injected) engines combined. It's incredibly light. It's incredibly balanced and like to rev, with a 6,500 RPM redline in the stately 7er. With different power delivery, the incredibly powerful 48V plant should make an amazing noise and make peak power very high up as an M car should, while obviously having sufficient low-end grunt. While this would probably be more than enough power without FI, I would turn to a low-boost SC setup if it's not absolutely insane.

Anyways, that would be my course of action. How would you run BMW Motorsport? Also, please include your cute "you can't afford a new BMW anyways now go crank start your model T." It really has a great effect on my feeble mind until I forget a couple hours later and start ranting again about the "good old days." Next up: Mercedes' AMG.

Brian Silvestro > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:07

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Lose all the weight. Carbon fiber everything.

Viggen > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:08

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S65 powered Z4M Coupe.

S65 everything that can't fit an S85.

E92M3 > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:09

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First thing on the agenda would be to make a modern Z4 M Coupe that is lighter and more powerful than the last one.

Next up would be a mid engined/hybrid Cayman S competitor.

AM3R > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:10

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I love how you think

Sportwägen, Driver Of The Red Sportwagen > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:10

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V12 8 series! 850M CSi w/ a 6 speed!

Make an i8 with a spec'd up version of the M2 i6 and call it the M1!

Take an M2 and stick an S65 in it and call it the M2 GTR!

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:18

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Develop motorcycle engines to keep the purists happy, and then turbocharge all things. The M2 would have a turbo-4 with enough power per liter to spit in MB's face.

Jesse Shaffer > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:20

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I would AXE everything. Take an E30 chassis, stuff the i8 powertrain inside back-to-front, and modernize the box, just a bit, for safety and styling. I'd then bump up the displacement for a larger saloon, and add a carbon chassis and further bumped up electric motors for a mid-engined Halo car. Then I'd eat shrimp cocktail and drink whiskey until I felt further satisfied, have a blunt, and go to bed.

saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:20

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Make another clownshoe, make a badass wagon version of every M model, bring that triturbo diesel to America, buy Saab, build Saabs, get me a free Saab.

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:20

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I make a ///M otorcycle.

beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:21

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I'd do exactly what they've done so far but the 335i would be called a 330Ti

apply the same naming scheme to the 1 series and any other model name they've cocked up.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > Viggen 11/09/2014 at 18:23

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...why is this not BMW corporate policy?

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > Sportwägen, Driver Of The Red Sportwagen 11/09/2014 at 18:25

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The fact that this isn't being done right now is plain sad. I will make this happen if you elect me, Jayzayeighty, as the president of M! Wait, luxury car makers are democracies, right?

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard 11/09/2014 at 18:27

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How I'd make a truly fun 330Ti:

S50B30+318ti=330ti.

Viggen > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:29

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I've figured it out. ///M -> Three lines before the M -> BMW is famous for I6s -> 6/2=3 -> BMW cannot into fours.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Brian Silvestro 11/09/2014 at 18:32

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Raise all prices in the process. BMWs for Lambo money. :p

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > Viggen 11/09/2014 at 18:35

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Whoa. And 3 sides = triangle = pyramid = ...

Viggen > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:35

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....The 4 Series is a Illuminati cover up!

beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:41

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that could work. but I'd want to make a clear distinction between the M brand and the entry level sports offerings. Ti could be that badge.

M's would remain non-turbo inline 6's with high revs and higher displacement (though Euro emissions laws would probably kill this idea).

45bullets > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:42

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make a mid-engined v-12 production vehicle. Because why not?

Brian Silvestro > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/09/2014 at 18:42

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wouldn't be surprised. They'd sell too

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > Viggen 11/09/2014 at 18:43

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also, the one thing I got out of calculus

f(x)=3x^4
f'(x)=12x^3
g(x)=4x^3
g'(x)=12x^2

IT WAS MEANT TO BE

Viggen > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:44

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Viggen > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 18:46

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Where does the co-developed car with Toyota come into all of this?

Luke's Dad Sold His 2000TL To Get a Sienna > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 19:14

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I'd probably focus on the X5 and the X6 since SUV markets seem to be the most important in my opinion right now. And then focus on making a CLA45, RS3 rival and then a Macan, SQ5 rival.

Tohru > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 19:18

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Get rid of the kidneys.

mr.andersen > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 19:45

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I know, I will probably catch flack for this, but: how about making a car that does not self destruct after you drive it off the lot?

Steve in Manhattan > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 19:47

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Modern 2002 - M it up all you want, but make it easy to delete power options that add weight. 5 or 6 speed (your choice) 4 and 6 cylinder engines, and as practical as a Golf.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > Steve in Manhattan 11/09/2014 at 19:54

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Completely

agreed. Something sporty but nice and easy to wring out is something that BMW is now missing for the first time since before the 2002. A buzzy naturally aspirated 4 cylinder like the E90 320i racecar proved was effective would be nice, and I'd love to see them bring back the N53 direct injection lighweight I6. 270 naturally aspirated horsepower (from a 3 liter I6) at 6,700 RPM is what I want to see in a BMW.

Steve in Manhattan > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 20:14

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I'm wondering if, at this point in automotive 'evolution,' it's cheaper to fit power windows instead of cranks. I'd love a crank sunroof - no motor to make the top of the car heavier. In a 2002-sized car I don't need climate control - just slider heat and A/C. Put all the airbags in - I like living. Simple ABS, offer ceramic brakes (probably cost 1/3 the price of the car again) and let me delete the GPS if I want to ... and no EPS, a real steering rack please. Simple ABS, and none of that parking assist, follow the leader, nonsense. Maybe a backup camera, because that's actually useful. AND A REAL HANDBRAKE, not some electronic shite.

anon-sxmcyecofnu1eocpqsk9iq > Steve in Manhattan 11/09/2014 at 20:35

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The modern 2002 is the BMW 2-series.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > Steve in Manhattan 11/09/2014 at 20:38

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Agreed! If BMW offered a car with dual airbags, nice cloth seats/M sport steering wheel and shifter, a stiff suspension, no AC or radio, and even no ABS/traction control, good brakes, a rigid chassis, a nice getrag 6 speed, and an ITB I4 making around 180hp, I'd buy it in a heartbeat. It probably would make me look really stupid, but that'd be the ultimate BMW IMO. It could also slot under the 2 series and be called the 1 series now.

Steve in Manhattan > anon-sxmcyecofnu1eocpqsk9iq 11/09/2014 at 20:41

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Starts at $32,100 here in US America. Needs to be decontented.

anon-sxmcyecofnu1eocpqsk9iq > Steve in Manhattan 11/09/2014 at 20:50

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I agree that it's a bit expensive, but it is a luxurious car. The price doesn't change the fact that it's really a modern 2002.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > Viggen 11/09/2014 at 21:16

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Kill it. In honor of the Supra's name, in honor of what the M division now symbolizes, we must kill it. It is our job to nurse Toyota back into independence, help them make a new supercar grand touerer with the reliability of a Camry and the styling of something both familiar and amazing. BMW will continue to produce the E89 Z4 as an evolutionary car instead of the sister car of a Supra wannabe, using a hardtop and the M3's engine to create a new M coupe. A Z4M GTS Coupe will see the S85 come back to life in its engine bay. Toyota will come back to its senses and make the old MkIV pass emissions and safety regulations with a lighweight 3JZ!

ranwhenparked > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/09/2014 at 21:37

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Make a tape stripe and badges M package available on everything in the lineup and start a line of BMW M-branded licensed apparel and merchandise. Then, use the resulting massive surge in sales and profits as a resume enhancer to land an even more highly placed job at another automaker.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > ranwhenparked 11/09/2014 at 21:42

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Brilliant! "Bro, is that the M318i?" "Yes bro, this one is turbocharged. It only cost me $6,000 extra."

Meanwhile in ranwhenparked's office...

Travis, Senna of The High Seas > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/10/2014 at 09:41

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Make ALL the valve covers look like this, and make it so you can see them

Quattro-luvr, Powered by Datsun & Stinger > Tohru 04/27/2015 at 09:59

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Tohru > Quattro-luvr, Powered by Datsun & Stinger 04/27/2015 at 11:51

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