Maintenance Instructions

"Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To" (murdersofa)
10/26/2014 at 12:36 • Filed to: lolcars

VW:

1. Disconnect main battery negative terminal

2. Remove front of car

GM:

1. Try to remember where the battery is. Under the hood? The rear seat? The trunk?

2. Disconnect main battery negative terminal

3. Gather up imperial and metric versions of every god-damned bit known to man including hex, torx, security torx, phillips, and four million fucking sockets

4. Never walk under the car lest you get 4 metric tonnes of rust in your eyes

Chrysler:

1. Apply firm repeated impacts with large hammer while swearing in multiple languages

2. When that doesn't work, contact your local dealership

Ford trucks:

1. Remove truck from truck

2. Replace truck with newer truck

3. Truck truck truck truck

Chevy trucks:

1. LOL

Mercedes-Benz:

1. Buy new tools, realize it would be cheaper to buy new car

2. weep

Honda:

1. Disconnect battery negative terminal

2. Engine swap

Toyota:

1. Maintenance?

Scion:

1. Tell your parents to fix your car

Subaru:

1. Spend 40 minutes finding hood release lever

2. Impossibru

BMW:

1. Simultaneously have the worlds most slender, flexible, and longest arms

2. Somehow still not be able to reach the bolt you need to undo

Porsche:

1. Contact local Volkswagen dealership

DISCUSSION (17)

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
10/26/2014 at 12:40

Audi:

1. Remove negative battery cable.

2. Remove wallet. Insert money into part.

3. Installation is the reverse of removal.

Jcarr > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
10/26/2014 at 12:43

This is good stuff. Having changed the oil on both our Envoy and Jetta yesterday I can totally relate.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
10/26/2014 at 12:45

Fiat:

1) disconnect battery

2) realise this breaks your Ł200 key fob

3) cry

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell.
10/26/2014 at 12:46

They aren't reprogrammable or anything? Holy hell.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
10/26/2014 at 12:48

If you search around you can find someone who will reprogram it for around Ł40, the dealer wont even consider doing that. In other countries you get the immobiliser code with the car for easy reprogramming. They ban that in the UK.

I just use the spare....

DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell.
10/26/2014 at 12:48

'80s Fiat:

1) Disconnect battery

2) Find rust hole where the piece you're supposed to repair is /supposed/ to be

3) Spend three days welding the car back to a structurally-sound state

4) Replace part.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully
10/26/2014 at 12:50

Thankfully mine is pretty modern and has only a few spots of rust where paint got chipped.

DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
10/26/2014 at 12:52

'80s Volvo:
1. Remove battery cable.

2. Change simple to find part.

3. Drive for another 300,000 miles.

Modern Volvo:

1. Remove battery cable.

2. Open hood, see hundreds of miles of electronics and wiring.

3. Call dealer and surrender your wallet, firstborn child, etc.

4. Drive for another 30 miles.

Logansteno: Bought a VW? > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
10/26/2014 at 12:54

Saturn (May only apply to 2nd gen Vue)

1. Locate battery. Find in plastic box thing.

2. Try to get the stupid fucking plastic cover off of it. Break clips.

3. Try to figure out the stupid terminal things Saturn used.

4. Consult owners manual.

a. "Contact dealer for assistance"

b. Weep.

5. Sell car and buy a Chevy.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > Logansteno: Bought a VW?
10/26/2014 at 12:58

A friend of mine is actually MAKING PAYMENTS on a 2007 Saturn Ion. Ew.

DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell.
10/26/2014 at 13:00

I own an '81 Spider, and honestly, it's the most fun car I've ever owned, including the RX-7 I had at one point. (As opposed to the car I've had the most 'fun' in, which was a Volvo 740 Turbo wagon...)

Logansteno: Bought a VW? > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
10/26/2014 at 13:01

You mean someone paid more then a couple pennies and some pocket lint for an Ion?

Why not an Astra!?