Cadillac, a Completely NSFW and Irreverent Retrospective.

"Your boy, BJR" (jerseyshoreben) 01/11/2014 at 03:28 • Filed to: NSFW, Cadillac

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Tonight, we celebrate my most hated, but most actively respected brand of all time. A brand that my family runs on, and employed me for 2 years. Arguably one of the most important car brands of all time. Tonight, we celebrate Cadillac. Lets start this off right.

Have some tunes. See? You feel that? Thats swag mixed with class with just the right amount of sleaze thrown in for character. That is straight up Lacville. Crushed velour and all. The song that took you there was 85 Barritz BRO-HAM by Action Bronson.

There’s just the right car to set the mood off right. A beautiful malaise era Brougham (broam, as I say). See that gold grille? Those wire wheels, those Vouges? See that burgundy vinyl top? and that gold hood ornament? Do you see those winged crests in the indicator lights? Do you know what that is? That’s the american dream. That vehicle, right there, is the american dream incarnate. Everything George Washington, Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and even John Adams fought for……..it’s right there. I gotta say, a lot, not all, mind you, but a lot of Cadillac owners I’ve encountered have had a unique sense of pride about them. Like, they know in their hearts that what they drive is the best in the world. They know that benzes are far better quality-wise. They know that BMWs handle way better. They know that Lexus has better residual, and that Audi has better tech. Cadillac owners know that Jaguars are beautiful works of art that their looks can’t even dream of touching, or that Land Rovers are far more capable. But you know what? None of that shit even fazes them. Cadillac owners couldn’t give less of a flying fuck about how much of that actually adds up to. Cadillac owners just know, in their heart that their Cadillac is the best car ever assembled. And although it sounds like I’m being condescending and petty, I’m really not. I genuinely love Cadillac Pride. It’s something that you could only feel growing up in america. Cadillac Pride is just another form of Patriotism. And it’s a form that almost everybody can agree on. Cadillac owners get this pride, because a Cadillac is something that is programmed in american culture to strive for. Every single Cadillac buyer has worked for that car. Shit, next to me being born, my maternal grandfather’s most treasured day was when he got his first cadillac- a 2008 SRX with literally every option and extra cost and package tacked on. I’ve seen space ships less loaded than this thing. And it was his boyhood dream, to own a cadillac. Music Break.

Anyway, I grew up pretty poor, but since my mom and stepdad have been together it’s always been a cadillac household. Right now, in our driveway there is a black 2012 CTS Coupe, a black 2013 ATS, a black 2014 XTS, and blue 2012 Hyundai Sonata with 3 pedals on black steelies with a dashboard hula girl, “well hung” leather scented air freshener, and a “necrophillia goes both ways” bumper sticker because fuck subtlety. ANYWAY, cadillac household, yeah, The first car I ever drove, like, in my life, ever? 2007 CTS Sport/Lux 3.6.

Everything wrong with cadillac, is everything right with cadillac.

I guess I don’t hate them that much after all.

911e46z06 > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 04:11

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Throw some D's on that bitch

Eutropius > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 06:38

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This one time I made the catastrophic decision to read youtube comments and some kid mistook a goddamned Ghostface verse for Action Bronson and I suffered an aneurysm.

Tony Montana > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 07:44

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I completely understand what you mean, and I think it comes down to this.

I don't love Cadillacs purely based on their merits.

But I do love the IDEA of Cadillacs, and that makes up for any of the above shortcoming.

Hshsjsjshsksjsk > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 09:49

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The Ecto-1 is a Cadillac, and that's all I need to know.

Fuel_of_Satan > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 09:53

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I'd love me a 68 DeVille, like the white one above. Dat shark nose!

A friend of mine recently bought a 67 Caddy Vert this fall after a lifetime of never really giving them a second glance. In triple brown it just looks like an enourmous caramel sweet and he just had to have it!

(Not this, but exactly like it)

Edit: Just finished watching the last music video, I just had the music on as I read through and wasn't paying attention. It really strikes my chord, normal people from all walks of life all loving their Caddy's!

carter [road salt disliker] > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 10:00

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I got a Superman Benz that I scored from Shaq

With an old school Caddy with a diamond in the back

Daniel Fleck > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 10:05

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All that NSFW warning for a small pixelated pussy pic? Was it worth potentially alienating a good portion of readers?

immaberealwitu > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 10:28

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I love this article. My family has been employed by Cadillac for many years now and whenever my friends try to hate on Cadillac this is almost my verbatim response.

JohnChimpoDrivesToMexico > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 10:40

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Sasha Grey has a great singing career ahead of her.

Xedicon > JohnChimpoDrivesToMexico 01/11/2014 at 10:50

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Potato cannon!

Silvermannn > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 10:58

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I'm more than glad you started this with an Action Bronson song.

Good read, keep it up.

Cliff > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 11:10

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2 Snaps Up! Love this post!

GearHeadfromBrazil > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 11:47

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Please, tell me the name of this car.

Is it based on a Cavallier?

veedub4lyfe > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 11:49

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Action Bronson is the man. This should be followed up with a story about Saabs, with a song from Bronson's s.a.a.b stories.

CCC (formerly CyclistCarCoexist) > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 11:50

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Cadillac is probably one of the least bland GM brands. When they were desperately rebadging one, they didn't make it a Cadillac (in most cases I think). Pontiac got a shitty aveo. Caddy didn't. All the others have tons of badge engineering disasters. This doesn't as much as the others.

CCC (formerly CyclistCarCoexist) > GearHeadfromBrazil 01/11/2014 at 11:51

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CADILLAC CIMARRON...and yes. It's based off a cavalier.

Dennis loves you too > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 11:53

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Action Bronson is a big fat sweaty meatball. Nobody hates Cadillac circa 2008 and up we hate caddy from 1970-2007 pretty much.

skwimjim > Daniel Fleck 01/11/2014 at 11:55

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Well, that would be enough to get me fired. So thanks for the NSFW warning.

GearHeadfromBrazil > CCC (formerly CyclistCarCoexist) 01/11/2014 at 11:58

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Someone at GM should buy one and put it on a dark corner in their HQ. This is a nice example of what no to do, Cadillac.

Manny05x > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 12:05

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Saw action bronson lastnight was crazy blue chips 2 baby!!!

Your boy, BJR > GearHeadfromBrazil 01/11/2014 at 12:28

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Yeah they were awful. They even had a warning in the owners manual "Car will overheat if driven in the summertime" or something like that. I want one really quite badly.

GearHeadfromBrazil > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 13:01

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My dad had two of those back in the early nineties. They are called Monza here in Brazil and where produced up to 1993, I think.

I have a friend who owns one since it was new.

They're not terribly unreliable, but thinking of it as a luxury car is just... laughable!

Inktownlegend > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 14:03

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Standard of the world.

CelrDwelr > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 14:09

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Hey where's the half-nekkid chick on this one? Or is it just that the majestic and glamorous Cimarron simply inspires women to put on more clothes?

Your boy, BJR > CelrDwelr 01/11/2014 at 14:10

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They couldn't get any women close enough. They kept getting really pregnant whenever they got near that beast.

bathrobegin > GearHeadfromBrazil 01/11/2014 at 14:38

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notice they couldn't find any girls to drape over that one. mind you, it would be a funny car to name check in a rap.

GearHeadfromBrazil > CelrDwelr 01/11/2014 at 14:42

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They were saving it for the owner, but he never showed up.

TurboBrougham > GearHeadfromBrazil 01/11/2014 at 16:02

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According to Car and Driver , current Cadillac product director John Howell has a picture of the Cimarron on his wall captioned, "Lest we forget."

TurboBrougham > TurboBrougham 01/11/2014 at 16:02

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Hutton, Ray, 2006 Cadillac BLS , Car and Driver, June 2006

Kruezerman > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 16:37

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I love my Caddie STS. Named her Fancy. Yes she's a bit moody, her handling isn't the absolute best, and I loathe GM with a passion, but she's mine. She's got enough toys to wow my friends and family and there's something about pulling up to a house and offering a friend (or potential mate) a ride.

God bless Cadillac.

Her name came from this:

MDP310 > GearHeadfromBrazil 01/11/2014 at 18:44

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I'm pretty sure they actually did this. Rumor has it that the Cadillac boss's office has a framed picture of a Cimarron that says NEVER AGAIN

MDP310 > Hshsjsjshsksjsk 01/11/2014 at 18:47

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Hell yeah it is. I'm tempted to, at some point, get a white CTS Wagon and make it a neo-ecto-1.

GearHeadfromBrazil > MDP310 01/11/2014 at 19:27

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Have fun with this video

MDP310 > GearHeadfromBrazil 01/11/2014 at 19:46

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Wow, they were reeeeeally stretching to find selling points for that heap.

merkyg > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 19:56

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LOVE me some Caddies... growing up in the UK any classic 50s-70s Caddy looked like it was from another planet...

Your boy, BJR > carter [road salt disliker] 01/11/2014 at 20:22

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Got a quarter tank of gas in my new e class

filthflarnfilth > Your boy, BJR 01/11/2014 at 22:29

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Beep, beep Ritchie, beep beep

heeltoehero > Your boy, BJR 01/12/2014 at 01:55

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Not enough Macklemore.

JohnDoeIII > Your boy, BJR 01/12/2014 at 13:12

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But that's alright cause I'm gon' ride
got everything in my moma's name
but I'm hood rich da dada dada da

DSno_ > Your boy, BJR 01/13/2014 at 16:23

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The first car I was ever handed was the STS. Loved that thing to death.

Literally - the Northstar just exploded one day...

Axial > CCC (formerly CyclistCarCoexist) 01/18/2014 at 01:16

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I bet part of that has to do with the fact that many of GM's platforms now start as Cadillacs now. The Alpha platform, for instance, started as a Caddy.