An Open Letter to Jealous non-BMW Owners

"Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire" (arch-duke-maxyenko) 09/18/2013 at 12:10 • Filed to: Satire

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Dear Mr. or Ms. Jealous non-BMW Owner,

I’m sorry that you have made unfortunate life decisions. I’m also sorry if a new BMW owner decided to: cut you off/make a turn without a signal/tailgate you/flick you off/insulted your mother/looked at you funny (circle one). However, not all BMW owners are asshats, just some of them. You may be surprised to find out, that odds are, most asshats/terrible drivers are Camry/Prius/Versa/Sentra owners. This very possibly includes you. If you are one of these owners, once again I’m sorry that you have made unfortunate life decisions. These reasons are still not acceptable excuses to go onto forums/blogs to make crappy generalizations/insult people using offensive and or derogatory terms/just generally troll. If you would like to continue trolling, there is one great outlet for this:

Step 1, find a toilet.

Step 2, stick head in toilet.

Step 3, flush toilet.

Following the above steps will accomplish the same goal as trolling, and the rest of humanity can continue on with life without having to see your jealous and hateful comments. If you would like to respond to this letter in a spiteful manner, please write it down on a large rock and carry it into a large body of water.

philipilihp > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 09/18/2013 at 12:19

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As a fellow BMW owner, I would like to suggest that you take things less personally. Life is so much less stressful when you don't take things as personal insults, unless they are directly aimed at you.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > philipilihp 09/18/2013 at 12:20

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Did you see the tag?

More Power!!and also some brakes. > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 09/18/2013 at 12:22

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Claiming people are jealous......how very BMW owner-ish of you.

But for real you should not take things personally unless they are directed right at you. Like philiphilip said.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > More Power!!and also some brakes. 09/18/2013 at 12:23

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Did you see the tag?

More Power!!and also some brakes. > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 09/18/2013 at 12:26

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Nope, but I do now.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > More Power!!and also some brakes. 09/18/2013 at 12:26

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Good.

Naijaflavor, I Love Doritos > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 09/18/2013 at 12:30

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Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Naijaflavor, I Love Doritos 09/18/2013 at 12:30

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Thanks!

delete-me-please123 > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 09/18/2013 at 12:43

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We only have so many letters in our English alphabet. You sir, have found the correct order in which they should go. This post is fucking awesome.

philipilihp > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 09/18/2013 at 12:51

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Haha same here!

95HondaV6 > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 09/18/2013 at 12:59

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Thank you; this is a fun and satirical post which is much appreciated; however, I have never owned a bmw, nor have I been desirous of owning one! I find all the "hype" to be simply "hype," which typically results in excessive cost and price gouging both by the dealers and by the shops and mechanics who work on them. In just a few well-chosen words: "bmw: I ain't care, not one damn bit."

bourgeoisie > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 09/18/2013 at 19:00

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Your emotions still come through, even when you try to mask your disdain with the satire tag. Just breathe, dude.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > bourgeoisie 09/18/2013 at 19:29

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Nope, just writing a satirical piece just for teh lolz

MooseKnuckles > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 09/20/2013 at 11:19

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I'll be leaving now. Haha, yes this was an edit.

jpunk > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 09/20/2013 at 13:10

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Oppo: clearly no place for teh lolz