Two Thumbs Down

"Group B-raaaaaaaaaap!" (AbarthGuy) 08/26/2013 at 15:17 • Filed to: Planelopnik

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Start Rant.

I like planes. I like cars. I like Pixar. I loved Cars. And Cars 2. I did not like Planes. This was Straight-To-DVD, but somehow I was roped into spending 40 of my dollars this weekend to take my kids to see what what happens when Disney's B-team appropriates Pixar's IP. And the result isn't pretty. I should have looked at Rotten Tomatoes. I should have checked IMDB. I could have at least checked the Flixster page. So yes, this waste of money was entirely on me. If you have kids, it will entertain them for most of the 92 minutes it runs. If you're looking for the homages, tributes, winking referential puns, and esoteric car culture and movie humor that made Cars and Cars 2 fantastic, you just blew $11, plus concessions. There are a few gems here and there (John Cleese and John Ratzenberger will add character into just about anything they touch). Val Kilmer and Anthony Edwards have brief cameos as F/A 18 Super Hornets (sigh, F-14's would have made more sense) which is at least something. Carlos Alazraqui played the limited role he had well. But generally speaking, I recognize now that my hopes were way to high to begin with. Sure, it looked like Pixar on the surface, but when the lead is Dane Cook (who was not the first choice. Jon Cryer of 2 and a Half Men started, but then dropped out), the comic relief is Brad Garrett, and the only female of note is voiced one-dimensionally by Teri Hatcher, I could have done some simple math to find out that this was going to be less than the sum of it's parts. And it was. No brownie points for the writing, either. Planes was essentially a rehash of Cars and Cars 2 (self discovery, racing, learning to be true to yourself, etc.) main points, but with less wit, charm, and depth than even the previews for either of those films.

As a father of two, I find the work from DisneyToon Studios to be vapid and pointless, but not entirely unwatchable. At least most of their releases recognize their value, and are straight to DVD. I find a theatrical release of a Pixar-derived franchise to be dirty pool on Disney's part. Would I rent it on iTunes? Sure thing. I'd spend $6 on Planes. Would I buy the DVD. Maybe, if my kids could recite a single line (if it's memorable for them, I know there is some replay value, thus saving me from buying more movies.). CarsToons was decent, but flimsy. The Tinkerbell movies (mind numbing, but at least they're not obnoxious or violent, so it's something) are also above par for straight-to-DVD. I thought their production by Indian staff was pretty cool, as well. But when I see a film that comes from the incredible, in-depth, and well executed universe of Cars, I expect a bit more. Especially for the service Cars and Cars 2 paid to gearheads, and their hand in creating little future Jalops. I had hoped Planes would do the same for aviation, but it looks like that wasn't in the cards. And that is the biggest travesty here, because the world of flight is incredibly deep, rich, and loaded with history, heritage, and great stories. How any studio, let alone Disney, could miss the, erm... boat... on this is beyond me. Pixar should have handled this. End of story. Disappointment, thy name is Lasseter. You really botched this one. The least you could to is try it again, this time with a modicum of effort.

/Rant

RMudkips > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 15:23

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So, the American Pie Presents of Cars?

Takuro Spirit > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 15:24

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I loved Cars, wasn't too impressed with Cars 2, and thought Planes was a desperate attempt to cash in before it was too late.

We went at the suggestion of the wife last weekend, on a Saturday afternoon, and the theater was mostly empty. I should have known. To make matters worse, we had an annoying group of teenagers with what I assume was their younger sibling come in LATE and bump and slam into the seats behind us. IN AN EMPTY FUCKING THEATER. Then they had to get up every ten minutes for food and potty runs, then the kid starts hacking his fucking lungs out.... oh wait, this was supposed to be about the movie.

There were a few bits that made me snicker, but no real laughs. I didn't even recognize most of the voice actors (Dane Cook? Really?? I used to be a fan, shows how low he's sunk), and the story and ending were way too predictable.

I didn't want to go, I'm sorry I did. I wasted twice as much money as you because we made the mistake of going hungry. I'm a sucker for pretzel bites.

Kookanoodles > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 15:25

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That bad ? You should try Porco Rosso if you want a great film about planes.

GhostZ > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 15:28

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I hate these kind of movies, but from what I've heard, they all suffer from a similar problem. I would explain it myself, but I've come to realize that someone else explained it far better than I can:

http://www.cracked.com/article_18544_…

Takuro Spirit > RMudkips 08/26/2013 at 15:31

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More like the Tyler Perry's....

cbell04 > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 15:38

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I think they were scared into making it uber kid friendly after lots of trash talk about cars 2 stinking and being a little bit pointlessly violent. Took my two kids and they enjoyed it but they are 2 and 4 and have enjoyed much worse..

CalzoneGolem > Kookanoodles 08/26/2013 at 15:41

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Yeah buddy no one messes with the crimson pig

Kake Bake > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 15:44

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"P"s are upside-down "b"s.

ncasolowork2 > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 15:51

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$40 for 2 kids and yourself? Cargo shorts have big enough pockets to take candy in...

Deal Killer - Powered by Focus > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 15:53

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Well, I'm glad I didn't waste $25 on this by taking my 10 year old son to see it. It was "boys night out", when my wife & daughter went to see "Wicked" on stage. Nothing else age appropriate was playing, so my son & I went home after dinner and played Halo for the first time. He liked that better.

It's a "Porch-uh" > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 16:00

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Fess up. You really didn't like the movie because they should have made Cars 3 instead.

Also, Dane Cook.

notchy > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 16:07

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1) Planes :: Cars as Days of Thunder :: Top Gun.

That's not to rail on Days of Thunder. It remains a guilty pleasure on a lazy, cable-surfing Saturday. But in terms of cultural impact and imagination, there's no comparison.

2) I'm sure Lasseter and crew are under enormous pressure to replicate the franchise success that Cars has become...you can almost feel the Disney screws being turned here. But your review hit the nail on the head. The cultural subtext and attention to detail that made Cars so rich was absent here, despite there being a trove of aviation history from which to pull inspiration. Disney seemed to try and jam a behavioral teaching metaphor into every third scene, rather than letting kids connect the dots themselves (which they are very capable of doing). And the slapstick routines (like the crop duster that loves the scent of the fertilizer) were anything but subtle, which made them pretty annoying. My 6-year-old loves Cars, still watches all the Mater shorts on iTunes. He barely chuckled throughout Planes and immediately proclaimed it was "O.K."

Sethersm > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 16:26

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No, they missed the plane. Missing the BOATS is their next project.

Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! > Kookanoodles 08/26/2013 at 16:30

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I personally believe Miyazaki can do no wrong. So I don't know why I've waited this long for Porco Rosso. My son, who is 7, really enjoys Spirited Away now that it isn't as scary to him. This might be our next weekend rental!

Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! > Takuro Spirit 08/26/2013 at 16:32

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Or like the worst of both, in one schlock-fest.

Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! > Takuro Spirit 08/26/2013 at 16:36

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I feel your pain. I also went just to get the kids out of the house (my fiance was under the weather and needed quiet time, and it was too hot to do outside stuff). 2 kids + 1 adult, with popcorn and 2 sodas... $41. I am cheap by nature, so this almost gave me an aneurysm. And when I saw the empty, air conditioned theater on a 95+ degree, last Saturday before school goes back into session, I knew I was boned.

Again, a couple of chuckles, that's about it. Nothing tongue in cheek, nothing to get excited about, no sweet inside jokes. If I were a plane guy, I'd have felt ripped off.

Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! > cbell04 08/26/2013 at 16:40

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Yeah, mine are 4 & 7. They liked it enough to sit through it. I was disappointed in the blowback against Cars 2, because I thought it was a great homage to the Bond spy films, and had a little wink and nod to various car cultures around the world in almost every scene. I loved the idea of them exploring various racing and car cultures, especially in Japan and continental Europe.

That said, I would LOVE to see their take on the V8 muscle car culture in Australia.

Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! > ncasolowork2 08/26/2013 at 16:44

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Which was an institutional failure on my part. I always stop at a c-store before I take the kids to the movies. If I have the opportunity, I fill cargo shorts with bulk candy. This was a last minute decision. My failure to plan added $19 to the bill. $19 for popcorn and 2 sodas. That probably cost $1.03 in materials, lets say $.75 for the kid behind the counter's labor, and maybe $.12 in containers. The remaining $17.10 was all gravy.

Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! > Deal Killer - Powered by Focus 08/26/2013 at 16:49

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Much better choice. I suppose renting it for $5 isn't terrible. But it's not theater worthy.

Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! > It's a "Porch-uh" 08/26/2013 at 16:53

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If Cars 3 was going to be as half-baked and cockneyed as Planes, I'd have rather they buried the franchise all together. If/when Cars 3 goes into development, it had better get the A-squad treatment like the first two. Planes was a bullshit cash grab made on a shoestring (for CGI) budget because all the good projects are still being developed at Pixar. But it was a disservice to the entire Cars franchise.

And yeah, Dane Cook, seriously? He was the king of the world, briefly, and now he's scraping up the leftovers of the other guy from Two and a Half Men that most people couldn't identify by name. Yikes. What happened Disney? Was Bobcat Goldthwait all booked up?

Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! > notchy 08/26/2013 at 16:59

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Disney will never have a review more scathing than a simple "OK" from a child. When the core demo turns on them, they're F'd.

Also, I agree. Cedric the Entertainer's character, Leadbottom, is Cars' Jar Jar Binks. As a matter of fact, I'd go as far as to say that Planes feeble attempts at diversity (A Hindu-ish lady plane, a French Canadian, a stereotypical Luchador, and 2 minstrel characters playing roles of servitude as a crop duster and a forklift? Are you kidding me?) actually made it racially offensive.

Kookanoodles > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 17:23

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I think you'll definitely enjoy it, it's actually one of my favorite Miyazaki movies. It's not scary at all, it's got that quiet and and slightly melancholic vibe you have in My Neighbor Totoro. Plus, it's got biplanes, dogfights, interwar Italy and the Adriatic. What's not to love ?

Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! > Kookanoodles 08/26/2013 at 18:13

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Looking forward to it! I'm actually out of date with Miyazaki's work. How was Ponyo?

Kookanoodles > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 18:15

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Funny you should ask that, it's the only one I haven't seen yet !

Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! > Kookanoodles 08/26/2013 at 18:18

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It seems the most little-kid friendly, too.

Kookanoodles > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 18:19

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It does indeed. Kiki's Delivery Service is pretty kid-friendly as well.

notchy > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! 08/26/2013 at 18:26

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Yeah...I hear you. The whole movie stinks of compromises, if not some outright questionable choices, and it's a bummer—we know they can do better. Planes was the shrug-and-a-sigh that ended a really great Dude Day with my boy. (The day began with his first-ever self-driven laps at the K1 Kart Racing facility...he's hooked!)

I respect the shoot-for-the-moon mentality in trying to establish a whole new franchise, and to be fair, they are victims of their own success here. Still...the world of Cars is so vast and untapped. They could have creatively used a sub-character, like the Dinoco Chopper, to drop us into some remote private hangar to reveal parallel plot lines of the aviation world in Cars . Kind of like when Laverne & Shirley spun off Happy Days , then the Fonz used to show up on Laverne & Shirley as a nod to its roots. The Mater shorts are exactly that idea just at a smaller scale. The emotional attachment is already built in for the kids.

Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! > notchy 08/26/2013 at 18:51

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Exactly! Well put. If nothing else, they could've employed a couple of extra writers and designers to back fill the movie with nods, cues, and trivial connections. Even Cars, which is a terrific film, didn't exactly have a ground breaking plot. The lead was an asshat, being an asshat got him in to trouble, he learned there was more to life than being an asshat, he redeemed himself from his past asshattiness, and then he showed the world the importance of not being an asshat in the climax. It's basically every Jim Carrey movie ever made since "Liar, Liar". But, Cars and Cars 2 were a temporal and visual buffet for adults with keen eyes and esoteric knowledge of cars, racing, etc. So it entertained the kiddies, and rewarded the adults. Planes failed on both counts. I hope there is a Disney exec paying attention somewhere, and learning a lesson about not co-opting a big franchise to your minor-league studio. But probably not.

Good work taking your little Opponaut to the kart track! It's awesome that he's hooked. Once you get a whiff of unburnt fuel in your nose, it never leaves you. And the crackle and pops of a good overrun will become their favorite noise in the world. I have a theory that I developed with my fiance about kids with hobbies. She's a school administrator and has worked in the US as well as China, and we both feel like the biggest obstacle in the way of the current generation of students is a lack of hobbies. Kids who actually do things (play with toys, run around, climb trees, read, build, etc.) seem to develop with more creativity, increased problem solving skills, and better socialization. Hobbies and play foster creative problem solving and teach kids to be adaptable. Kids who consume a lot of electronic media, however, don't have to problem solve or create scenarios, because everything is laid out before them in a neat little package. The most successful amongst us take great pride in their hobbies, because it's the activity which allows them to express themselves in their comfort zone. Case in point (for better or worse) look at Larry Ellison of Oracle. He created an insanely successful tech company, but his true passion is yacht racing, which grew from an early infatuation with sailing. Learning to sail at a young age gave him exposure to rapidly changing conditions, problem solving, etc. All skills which were undoubtedly helpful in the creation and growth of Oracle. Read any Fortune 500 executive profile, and probably not a single one lists watching TV or "The Internet" as a hobby. Its not that they don't do those things, it's that they prefer something engaging . And that is the key concept. Engaged children develop into leaders. Simply put. While I wouldn't advocate those helicopter parents that would have their kids invested into 10 different activities just to get into the best preschools, I think every parent should offer exposure to hobbies with their kids, and when one finally lands, foster it with everything you have! My oldest is old enough to work in my garage with me, so this winter we're going to build a pair of bierkisten together!