Officer, Because Race Car

"Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager" (Nighthawkwill7)
08/05/2013 at 15:21 • Filed to: None

DISCUSSION (16)

Nibby > Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager
08/05/2013 at 15:22

Kinja'd!!!

AbigGRNboot > Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager
08/05/2013 at 15:23

Roadkill!

Nick, Drives a Cobalt LT > Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager
08/05/2013 at 15:25

This worked for me once...

Cop came to the window "How fast were you going before I got you on radar?"

Me "85 sir..."

Cop "I got you at 55 in a thirty, what the hell were you doing?"

Me "I was trying to figure out my misfire issue sir, I understand it was dumb of me to do it on public road, and I apologize for doing so"

Cop "Okay, well let me get your license and registration"

15 mins later, after all my co-workers saw me, honked and waved as they passed.

Cop "I'm letting you off with a warning this time, count yourself lucky, thats a 250$ fine had I charged you with speeding, don't go flying around, you look like a smart kid. Just doing dumb shit"

Me "Thank you sir have a nice day"

Honestly, the luckiest I've gotten during a traffic stop...

Dukie - Jalopnik Emergency Management Asshole > Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager
08/05/2013 at 15:25

I'm sorry officer, I got an erection and it pushed my leg down on the accelerator.

Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager > Nick, Drives a Cobalt LT
08/05/2013 at 15:26

Lucky indeed. Wow.

Nick, Drives a Cobalt LT > Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager
08/05/2013 at 15:28

Yeah, part of it was, I wasn't a shit head to the cop, I treated him with respect, yes sir no sir. Didn't mouth off.

I do that any time I get pulled over, unless the cop gets loud or rude with me, then I turn into an asshole and usually regret it. But, its rare that happens

Other part is, I have a funny plate on my car that he and a few other officers get a kick out of....he took pictures of the plate and they popped up on facebook that night lol

Montalvo > Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager
08/05/2013 at 15:29

"I'm sorry officer I didn't know I couldn't do that."

Agrajag > Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager
08/05/2013 at 15:29

I've always liked this one.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Speeder: Fast enough to spill my beer.

duurtlang > Dukie - Jalopnik Emergency Management Asshole
08/05/2013 at 15:32

I'm sorry officer, I got an erection and it pushed my leg down on the accelerator.

There, I fixed it for you.

Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager > Agrajag
08/05/2013 at 15:41

Lol

Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager > Montalvo
08/05/2013 at 15:45

All these lols.

You can tell a Finn but you can't tell him much > duurtlang
08/05/2013 at 15:59

Not sure of how you would have to be sitting for that to work. But I suspect you wouldn't be able to see over the dashboard.

Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! > Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager
08/05/2013 at 16:04

I want to begin this with a preface that this was, in the pantheon of events to be ashamed of, my least proud moment ever.

This worked for me, but not without completely cashing in my dignity.

About 6 years ago I was hauling butt on a rural freeway. Mainly, I was road weary from a business meeting, and wanted to get home. I was also looking for somewhere to stop for food, gas, and a restroom. Being the father of a kid who was potty training at the time, I was relieved to be travelling by myself, answering to no one's schedule but my own for a change. I usually travel a little above the limit, because long trip. But when you have a toddler who needs to go, it's time to go NOW, so getting the needle to 90+ was entirely within the realm of good decisions, when you consider the alternative. Of course, that also meant I would have to turn on my "Human Radar Detector", which was simply scanning the overpasses and median crossover lanes for troopers. Where I live, they mostly drive Tahoes, so they aren't exactly stealthy. But I digress. That day, I was simple putzing along at a good clip simply to get home. And that's when I uncharacteristically let my guard down. As it happened, the sun was setting and I missed one of the (then) new Dodge Charger patrol units sitting down in the embankment, instead of on the median crossover strip. Bastard! I had no clue he was there until I saw the cherry in my rearview mirror. I had a few points on my license still lingering from college, and as I drove a company car, more points could have jeopardized my ability to use company vehicles. I was, in a word, boned . As I decelerated, I started to think fast. Then it hit me! It was late into the summer doldrums, and even in the northern Midwest, it was a sweltering 90 F at dusk. I put the heat on as high as it would go, and started contracting my stomach muscles, to build up a red face and a good sweat. By the time the trooper got to my door, I looked like I could've been in the middle of boxing match. He asked for my license and registration, which I gave while I spoke and breathed through gritted teeth. A vein was probably popping out of my forehead. He looked at me, then my license, and then me again. A look of concern crossed his face. "Everything alright, sir?" he queried. "Yes," I grunted, "I'm really sorry, I was trying to get to the next exit ASAP to find a restroom." "What seems to be the problem?" He's starting to buy it, I think to myself. With a concerted effort and dramatic, labored breaths I belted out, "Oh man, well I've got some digestive issues, and ... oh man... ugh... anyway, I was at a lunch meeting earlier and they served Thai food." If there was an Oscar for best death scene performance, I'd have had it clinched right there on the spot. I channeled my inner toddler, and imagined him stuck in a booster on the 4th hour of a 7 hour trip, with no relief in sight. Now, I'll be the first to admit I had a few things working in my favor. I was in a company vehicle, so I knew the plates didn't register in my name. I was wearing a suit and tie. I was polite but put on an air of panic. And I had, what I felt was a compelling story. A very compelling story. And though I never thought it would ever work in a million years, I thought it was the only shot I had. Imagine my surprise when he hands me my license, outs on his aviators, and says "Yeah, I know how that goes. There is a rest area 3 miles ahead, think you can make it?" I nodded weakly and thanked him profusely. He walked back to his car, and in my rearview mirror I saw him pull a u-turn and settle back into his bunker in the embankment, waiting for the next sucker. In retrospect, I'm sure this guy has heard it all. but I bet he still remembers the sweaty, red-faced businessman who was on the verge of disaster.

As I pulled off, I turned the A/C back to max, and set the cruise control at 75.

Again, I am not proud of this moment, and had I been carpooling, well, I can just about guarantee you that I would've gotten a ticket. Because I'd have rather walked to work than put on that performance in front of any other person I knew. But in this case, it was the right combination of believable, relatable, and novelty.

Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager > Group B-raaaaaaaaaap!
08/05/2013 at 16:12

At least no ticket, loldignity.

Group B-raaaaaaaaaap! > Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager
08/05/2013 at 16:19

Yup. Company Car Priveleges > Dignity

hollanddjw 1 > Nibby
08/05/2013 at 16:26

Ya done.