On Rental Cars

"lorem ipsum" (nothing123456789) 08/02/2013 at 10:16 • Filed to: Jalopnik

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In a recent episode of Top Gear , Jeremy Clarkson pronounced the world’s fastest car to be a rental car. While I myself have never done anything even slightly close to what he did to that Toyota, I have noticed that rental cars happen to get treated with a little less care than one’s own cars. I’d like to share my best (which also happens to be my most horrific) rental car story, and see what you guys have to share in return.

A few years ago, my family and I took a vacation to Tulum, in Mexico. We landed a couple of hours outside of Tulum, and picked up a rental car at the airport. It was a nice surprise to see a Volvo S60 waiting for us. It was also a nice surprise to find that my dad, unaware of the bizarrely placed speed bumps so ubiquitous in that region of Mexico, had decided to run over one at 70mph in the middle of the night. Sphincter-tightening. Luckily for us, no immediate damage occurred, and we arrived at Tulum late at night, safe and sound.

The next few days passed without anything remarkable occurring to the car, until one day coming back from a day-trip, the tire blew out. Well, I blew the tire out. I was driving on this tiny, no-lane-markers back road, absolutely blanketed in potholes. It would’ve been a beautiful road to drive on well-paved, but as it was, it was more a little nerve-wracking. So, here we are in the middle of nowhere, with maybe two cars passing by every half hour, and I’m going a little faster (a lot faster) than I should be, when I hit one of the potholes and the tire blows out. I pull to the side of the road, and there’s a three-inch gash in the sidewall.

After being verbally abused by every member of my family for 30 minutes, I phone for help, and the rental agency, after about three hours (yes, we sat by the side of the road in Buttfuck, Mexico, for three hours), brings us a new car and takes our old one away. Except that the new car is a Chevy Cruze, with what feels like no engine under the hood and upholstery made from the stuff the Salvation Army refused, and I’m feeling utterly robbed and cheated.

A few days after that, my mother, backing out of a tiny little dirt parking lot, ran the rear fender over a tree root. We didn’t know exactly what had happened, only that some really loud and unpleasant noise had come from the back of the car. We got out to see what transpired, found the rear bumper hanging off on the left side, decided our fortune with rental cars on this trip wasn’t the best, and started driving back home. Merging onto a highway, someone did something wrong, or didn’t look, and we ended up getting rear-ended at about 50mph by some guy in a Seat. Neither party felt like pressing charges/filing a damage report, so we went our separate ways happy, albeit just the tiniest bit dented.

On our last day, we had to drive back to the airport to fly back home. That drive included a nice 95mph blast down a deserted, arrow-straight, two-lane highway through the middle of the jungle (my dad was driving, and honestly didn’t realize how fast he was going), and being pulled over by some corrupt policemen who tried to extort us for no reason. Dropping off our rental car, the whole ordeal was brought to a close when we got to watch the examiners go around the car with the most shocked and horrified faces as they examined the damage.

vdub_nut: scooter snob > lorem ipsum 08/02/2013 at 10:29

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Jeremy Clarkson pronounced the world’s fastest car to be a rental car.

Nope. He was quoting P.J. O'Rourke.

dinobot666 > lorem ipsum 08/02/2013 at 10:41

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I caught a bit of air in a Nissan Altima rental a few years ago. I was going faster than I should have been and really didn't mean to Duke Boys it.

The car seemed fine, but I'm glad it wasn't my own.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > lorem ipsum 08/02/2013 at 10:55

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I'm not old enough to rent a car yet (gotta be 25) but I'd never treat a rental like that seeing as it's not my car.

lorem ipsum > dinobot666 08/02/2013 at 11:15

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Air in an Altima is an impressive feat. Kudos!

Storkington > lorem ipsum 08/02/2013 at 11:18

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I did a lot of practice shifting without the clutch on a rental Toyota Avensis last summer. Got it down well by the end of the trip

dinobot666 > lorem ipsum 08/02/2013 at 11:43

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"Nothing to be proud of Russ"

But seriously, the roads in Denver can catch you off guard.

Daniel Leigh > lorem ipsum 08/03/2013 at 03:21

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Not quite a rental car, but I work in the auto industry and once caused £4,000 worth of damage to a Mercedes SLK (the latest model, which was so new to market that they couldn't get the parts for a month), by leaving it in Drive as I got out to open the electric gate to my home, only for the car to take out the gate and half a wall before I could jump in and put it back in Park. I was sI embarrassed I kept the insurance out of it and settled the bill with Mercedes directly.

DoogieHowitzer > vdub_nut: scooter snob 08/03/2013 at 08:26

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Indeed he was.

For the possibly uninitiated the article Clarkson was referencing is titled "How to Drive Fast on Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink"

A must read for those of you who haven't. Here is a link

Forrest > lorem ipsum 08/03/2013 at 14:04

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Did the S60 not have a spare tire?

lorem ipsum > Forrest 08/03/2013 at 17:18

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It didn't. It had a tire-fixer kit (can't think of the appropriate name at the moment), but it wouldn't have worked since the damaged area was too big. All in all, not one of my finest moments.