7 Things Jalopniks Want For Christmas

"hethoughtofcars" (hethoughtofcars) 12/25/2013 at 13:52 • Filed to: oppositelock, oppo, manual transmission, merry christmas

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These are the top 7 things Jalopniks Want for Christmas....

#7) A new compact truck, particularly if it's made by Jeep.

6) Videos of Driving/Hooning gone terribly wrong:

'He needs to let off the brakes and....oh...'

5) An actual mini MINI:

4) The RETURN of Pontiac, who was assassinated by cold-hearted government bureaucrats:

3) Every Porsche SUV to spontaneously combust, or, failing that, Porsche to actually use some of that boatload of cash to make a sub-Boxster/Cayman. Actually these two things are not mutually exclusive.

2) A Manual Transmission in every car EVER.

1) The answer to every question ever asked:

Merry Christmas!

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > hethoughtofcars 12/25/2013 at 13:53

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#3 reeks of douchebaggery.

d00mZ > hethoughtofcars 12/25/2013 at 14:13

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What if you're a jdm jalopnik?

Dsscats > hethoughtofcars 12/25/2013 at 14:17

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On the Porsche topic, I saw a touareg on fire the other day

Nibby > hethoughtofcars 12/25/2013 at 14:21

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Not every fucking car needs a manual transmission.

Cebu > Goshen, formerly Darkcode 12/25/2013 at 15:39

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Have you not seen the Porshe SUVs?

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > Cebu 12/25/2013 at 15:43

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Still douche.

Dusty Ventures > hethoughtofcars 12/25/2013 at 16:38

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I disagree with #2. Having to deal with a clutch in the hearse during funeral processions would be the worst thing ever

hethoughtofcars > Goshen, formerly Darkcode 12/25/2013 at 16:47

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It's meant to be tongue-in-cheek. I would say this is what the "stereotypical" Jalopnik reader wants... I certainly don't wish anyone's vehicle would catch on fire any more than I wish you could get a manual transmission in a Cadillac Escalade EXT

Burrito de EJ25 > Goshen, formerly Darkcode 12/26/2013 at 00:52

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Maybe not douchy, but a complete lack of understanding. Porsche SUVs pay for 911s, Boxsters, and Caymans.

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > Burrito de EJ25 12/26/2013 at 05:17

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I still find it douchy. Regardless of how much you hate those cars (and I profoundly hate them) they're still other people's cars. Worse, those people generally rely on them for their daily needs. It's sad to think that there are people who take pleasure on other person's tragedy.

Party-vi > d00mZ 12/26/2013 at 16:10

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You get an acetylene torch for cutting springs and one of these.

aquila121 > Dusty Ventures 12/26/2013 at 20:45

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Dusty, I respectfully disagree:

When I die, I'm stipulating in my will that the hearse must be a stick, and that the normally-hired driver of said vehicle must hand the keys over to their nearest 19(-ish) year-old offspring. Bonus points if they blast Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust," AC/DC's "Thunderstruck," or "How You Like Me Now" by The Heavy on the radio. Must have warmed up on Crazy Taxi prior to funeral procession. GoPros everywhere, burnout is required until something on the car blows while the priest (hire an announcer from NOPI or Hot Import Nights or something) is saying whatever final words. Car is to be resurrected as cheaply as possible by duct tape, zip ties, and whatever that 'Restore' liquid sludge is, and sold for $50 to a LeMons team.

Dusty Ventures > aquila121 12/26/2013 at 20:51

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Hate to be the fun police, but no cemetery will allow a burnout on their property, which means the burnout will have to happen at therefore can't go until something blows on the hearse, because with the hearse broken it can't go to the cemetery. Also after x miles at 10 mph, constantly clutching at intersections your 19 year old will never want to drive a manual again.

aquila121 > Nibby 12/26/2013 at 20:57

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(Do I tell Nibby 'Yes it does'?)

...

. . .

. . .

Yes it does! =D

Nibby > aquila121 12/26/2013 at 21:02

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Do not incure my wrath. Few have done it, no one has survived.

aquila121 > Dusty Ventures 12/26/2013 at 21:02

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Um, pretty sure I said the driver had to warm up on Crazy Taxi—that means not following posted speed limits. Same goes for listening to whoever's shouting to shut down the burnout [i.e. just keep going].

aquila121 > Nibby 12/26/2013 at 21:14

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I'd love to cure your wrath—you're much more fun when you're happy. The last thing I'd want to do is incur it, though I'm a durable POS, to be sure.

Dusty Ventures > aquila121 12/26/2013 at 21:21

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In that case jail time and lawsuits. But it'll be epic to watch

aquila121 > Dusty Ventures 12/26/2013 at 21:23

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I'm dead, why should I care? =)

Dusty Ventures > aquila121 12/26/2013 at 21:25

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True enough. You just need to find someone alive stupid enough to go through with it.

ChampagneChariot > hethoughtofcars 02/01/2014 at 20:51

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Love the color on that Miata.