Doug DeMuro's New Car Sucks

"Collin" (coliin)
12/12/2013 at 12:56 • Filed to: Doug DeMuro, New Car, CTS-V

I hate to break it to you, but Doug DeMuro's new car sucks.

Despite all of my extremely well thought out suggestions, Doug's new car sucks. I mean, there was a literal list of spectacular choices that I sent him, and you know what? He ignored all of them. I swear he just looked at every good car out there and said, "You know what? I'm going to choose a stupid one instead. I love driving stupid cars that are all wrong in every way."

First, let's talk about the brand. Really? He had to buy that brand? I have an acquaintance with a distant relative who bought that brand twenty years ago, and you know what? They hated their experience. In fact, they hated it so much that they swore they would never let anyone else buy that brand. Maybe if that brand cared about not ruining its customers lives it would be worth buying at a huge discount, but you couldn't pay me to show up somewhere where I'd possibly be seen in a car from that brand. Maybe Doug just wanted to simultaneously ruin his reputation and torpedo his chances of ever succeeding at automotive journalism. If so, buying that brand is doing exactly that.

Next, let's talk about the body style. Could he have chosen a dumber body style? I know he just finished owning a station wagon, and I know he drives a Nissan Cube, but clearly his girlfriend is putting something in his morning coffee because only an insane person would buy something like that when every other better car is available. What is he even going to use it for? Driving to the stupid store to pick up a new bag of stupid for when his current one runs out?

If he's going to buy that kind of car from that brand though, at least get the right engine. Does he have any sense or not? Only someone with zero sense could buy a car with an engine that has the wrong number of cylinders, the wrong displacement, and the wrong type of injection. It doesn't even run on the right type of fuel. Lay off your Georgia mountain man moonshine, Doug. It's making you blind to the truth.

Finally, how could he choose that transmission? I mean, I know he bought a CTS-V with an automatic, but really? Really? Where does his trailer park get its meth? That transmission? Could he not at least spring for the option that has the appropriate number of gears? There may as well be a giant sign in the sky telling people that there is only one acceptable transmission choice, and somehow he missed it. Did he get some bad advice at the overall store? Do they have stores in Georgia? Were there just too many choices for him to choose from?

Maybe I was expecting too much from a guy who would purchase that kind of car from that brand with that engine. Then again, I guess you can't expect much from a guy who made his "fortune" as a porch salesman.

DISCUSSION (45)

Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs > Collin
12/12/2013 at 12:59

Did I not read carefully enough, or do you actually never say what he actually bought?

*off to doug demuro's kinja to find out

Edit: based on the comments, I shall read more carefully.

Tom McParland > Collin
12/12/2013 at 12:59

Wut? Is this like satire or something...or did Doug get another car.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Collin
12/12/2013 at 12:59

This is beyond COTD, its like Post of the Day - POTD

At first I was like wait really?! Then Ooooo I see. Nice write up.

Naijaflavor, I Love Doritos > Collin
12/12/2013 at 12:59

and this why we love Doug

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Tom McParland
12/12/2013 at 13:01

Satire. Beautiful satire.

wtrmlnjuc > Collin
12/12/2013 at 13:01

brilliant post

Collin > Tom McParland
12/12/2013 at 13:02

Maybe satire...

Tom McParland > Collin
12/12/2013 at 13:02

Ok...carry on. I need more coffee. :)

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs
12/12/2013 at 13:02

It's wonderful.

He never mentions the car because it hasn't been purchased yet and we all know there will be a large group that goes nooooooooo how could youuuu.

Tom McParland > Collin
12/12/2013 at 13:04

In that case well played, I'll tweet Doug and let him know he should enjoy this.

With-a-G is back to not having anything written after his username > Naijaflavor, I Love Doritos
12/12/2013 at 13:04

...despite his dummy dumbness.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > Collin
12/12/2013 at 13:08

Bloody brilliant.

Here, have a beer.. in a bottle.. inside a stuffed animal..

Kinja'd!!!

This is the best thing I've read here in a long time.

SpeedSix > Collin
12/12/2013 at 13:08

You didn't mention steering. I suggested he try finding a RHD car to import from UK/Australia/New Zealand/Japan.

Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
12/12/2013 at 13:09

Yeah, I should've read more carefully, I get the joke now, I laughed. :D

Converse > Collin
12/12/2013 at 13:14

Kinja'd!!!

Collin > Tom McParland
12/12/2013 at 13:24

He might be at lunch. He seems like the kind of guy who would take a long lunch.

Collin > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
12/12/2013 at 13:24

Thanks. I really appreciate it.

Collin > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh
12/12/2013 at 13:25

I don't think I've ever seen a beer inside a squirrel before.

Collin > Naijaflavor, I Love Doritos
12/12/2013 at 13:26

We'd love him more if he wouldn't buy such a stupid car though.

Doug DeMuro > Collin
12/12/2013 at 13:28

Hahahahaha. This is so true. Especially when you consider that half of the suggestions are polar opposites of the other half. Very well done, and precisely the reaction I actually EXPECT to get!

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > Collin
12/12/2013 at 13:32

Well, they only made 11 of them.. 4 of them squirrels, 7 of them stoats... So it's no wonder you've never seen one :)

d1ck > Collin
12/12/2013 at 13:34

He's probably driving his wrongmobile down wrong street, while going the wrong direction.

Collin > Doug DeMuro
12/12/2013 at 13:37

I'm not saying that you have to get the Morgan, but if you don't get a three wheeled car with a V-twin engine placed in front of the vehicle itself, I'm going to be disappointed in you.

Ntovorni > Collin
12/12/2013 at 13:42

This was absolutely amazing.

William Byrd > Collin
12/12/2013 at 13:43

I'm glad someone had the guts to say it. Well done. I can't believe he chose that transmission when there are so many better options.

Collin > William Byrd
12/12/2013 at 13:49

Thanks. Sometimes it takes a renegade who plays by his own rules to get things done around here. The captain may not like my style, but dang it, I close cases for him. If he wants someone to sit behind a desk and fill out paperwork by the rules, he needs to hire an accountant.

Collin > d1ck
12/12/2013 at 13:50

Yeah, wrong way down a one way street, Doug De-Wrong-o!

Stef Schrader > Doug DeMuro
12/12/2013 at 18:48

You pretty much have to buy that 944 Beetle now.

THE INTERNET OUTRAGE DEMANDS IT!

Doug DeMuro > Stef Schrader
12/13/2013 at 17:59

Am I the only one crazy enough to think that was kind of cool?!

Stef Schrader > Doug DeMuro
12/13/2013 at 18:06

You crazy. It's all backwards.

Poundingsand > Collin
12/13/2013 at 18:34

I TOLD YOU WHAT BRAND TO GET, AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME!

Ian Duer (320b) > Collin
12/13/2013 at 22:48

Very meta. I like it!

Gamecat235 > Doug DeMuro
12/17/2013 at 16:36

it's $3k. You should buy it and replace the Cube with it. Or use it as a door stop, or something...

Stef Schrader > Gamecat235
12/17/2013 at 16:56

{ rod bearing numero tres 'splodes }

Whoops, instant doorstop.

Gamecat235 > Stef Schrader
12/17/2013 at 17:04

Then you swap it out with a WRX or LS engine. EVEN MORE Blasphemy!

Win win win!

Stef Schrader > Gamecat235
12/17/2013 at 17:26

Feh, that's just normal now.

What you need is a Type 4 'lump.

Gamecat235 > Stef Schrader
12/17/2013 at 17:31

An LS engine in the front of a bug is normal?

Stef Schrader > Gamecat235
12/17/2013 at 17:50

LS swaps in general. Meh. It's the default swap.

Gamecat235 > Stef Schrader
12/17/2013 at 17:53

Well yes. No argument there. Hmmm... You are right. Damn.

The Type 4 is interesting... but I think perhaps a modern twin-charged VW engine would be interesting... or maybe a 13B.

A front engined RWD Porsche Chassis Rotary Powered Bug. I think that might do it. He might win (or lose) Jalopnik.

Stef Schrader > Gamecat235
12/17/2013 at 18:02

But that's not where engines g—oh, I see what you did there.

...

Buy it.

Gamecat235 > Stef Schrader
12/17/2013 at 18:03

Time to let Doug know. He doesn't have a choice. It has been written.

Gamecat235 > Doug DeMuro
12/17/2013 at 18:04

Dear Doug, Read the rest of this thread.

Sincerely, Gamecat and Stef.

Doug DeMuro > Gamecat235
12/17/2013 at 18:13

Hahaha. You create this monster VW Bug. I'll buy it for what I believe it to be worth.

Lawyer_Applegate > Doug DeMuro
12/17/2013 at 22:41

Nah. It was kinda cool.

NotUnlessRoundIsFunny > Collin
01/03/2014 at 12:27

I know I'm really late to the party here, but this was *brilliant*. Thanks Collin!