Random Oppo Poetry Night

"scoob" (scoobsti)
11/24/2013 at 23:18 • Filed to: Datsun, Poetry Night

This is just a random English assignment I thought I'd share, which I did in the past hour. Despite the fact that it was assigned 4 days ago. :)

The assignment is to write a poem in which I tell a story about myself. My story? About being a gearhead, of course. And none if this is true, apart from me seeing a pristine, perfect 1970 Datsun 240Z.

Yes, I know this thing is terrible.

Another slow day it was

I became lethargic from the summer heat

I stared down the clock until it was time to leave

Time to head back home, and just rest

But on the way back I saw something amazing

A piece of history for someone like me

A pristine, perfect 1970 Datsun 240Z

Sitting on the street, waiting to be driven

I stared with shock and awe

Nearly drooling over its good looks

Nearly wanting to protect it from street crooks

And from then on, I knew I wanted a job

Eventually I got one from my aunt

I got paid by the hour, wishing time would fly by

I got closer to my goal, of buying a machine I'd love to drive

A 43 year old Japanese sports car

All my life I've loved cars

And I had the chance to potentially own one

And I had realized a dream because of one

I would not be myself if they never existed

DISCUSSION (14)

Mathias Rios > scoob
11/24/2013 at 23:32

Awesome! I wish I could rhyme.

scoob > Mathias Rios
11/24/2013 at 23:35

Thanks I guess, lol. Tbh it took a bunch of editing and Googling "what rhymes with _____."

Biostar01 > scoob
11/24/2013 at 23:46

Nice! Are you in high school? If so, what grade?

scoob > Biostar01
11/24/2013 at 23:50

Yessir, I'm a senior.

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > scoob
11/24/2013 at 23:50

Very nice. Love it.

I remember writing about my E28 for a freshmen year writing assignment in college. Pretty sure I was the only one that wrote about a car haha.

scoob > Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment
11/24/2013 at 23:51

Thanks! I'm also pretty sure- no, 95% sure I'm the only one that wrote about a car.

Biostar01 > scoob
11/24/2013 at 23:53

Do you have a car yet?

scoob > Biostar01
11/24/2013 at 23:53

Nope, but I really want that pristine, perfect 1970 Datsun 240Z I saw!

Biostar01 > scoob
11/25/2013 at 00:03

Yup, those were really nice cars.

I'm not too sure about the Stanceworks car you featured above, though.

Rear round tires and flare is really weird in contrast with the black ducky spoiler, and it doesn't seem like there is much turning room.

Also, what the hell are those two tubes doing hanging out of the front fender other than holding up a sign that says DSG?

I do like the color though, and those hood vents are nice.

hollanddjw 1 > Biostar01
11/25/2013 at 00:11

jdm mad tyte oil cooler.

yo.

aquila121 > scoob
11/25/2013 at 00:14

If I may offer some constructive points of critique:

From a grammatical perspective, I'd refrain from capitalizing each line of the poem, it's visually jarring; also, throw some periods in where you finish ideas and statements to help with flow—"...a pristine, perfect 1970 Datsun 240Z / sitting on the street, waiting to be driven. / I stared with shock and awe /..."

Take another sweep through and see if you can tweak the language to pare down on the use of adverbs, since great verb choice often negates their need. (Nearly, eventually, potentially, just give each use a second look if that's the best way to say what you want.)

Lastly, I'd take a second look at the line with an obvious couplet-rhyme, "looks" and "crooks," the cadance calls too much attention to said rhyme when that trait is not present elsewhere in the piece. Alright, I'm done nit-picking.

Now, onto the positive points:

"I stared down the clock..." like how this presents an adversarial situation (and an implied face with human traits) when dealing with time. Does a lot of work with very few words.

The emotional draw is clearly stated, and would fit nicely with a tight simile to give the audience a bit more grounding in sensory experience. My first instinct would be to throw something about a texture (leather? no, too mundane when talking interior. Maybe the pedals, or pieces of the valvetrain) near "waiting to be driven," "shock and awe," or "drooling over its good looks".

The obvious thing that I have to say is—that is a gorgeous image. But keep in mind, you get to provide that verbally to your reader, so dig into it. The mirrored lip of the rims, the swell of the fenders like the hips of [name drop here], that intoxicating paint code that was banned from cosmetics for being too provocative... Go nuts poring over everything that keeps you up at night about this thing. What sounds does it make? That'll get attention.

In closing, you have the emotional hook, I just think it will benefit from more imagery to pull the non-gearheads into your frame of mind. It's clear you want to write what you know, and I share the feeling. The act of writing is never terrible. It's much like how I view driving, keep it up.

Biostar01 > hollanddjw 1
11/25/2013 at 00:43

I see. I didn't know that. Thanks.

Is it to show off or because they didn't have enough room in the bay?

hollanddjw 1 > Biostar01
11/25/2013 at 19:46

It's mostly a throwback to old-school Japanese racing, where I think they mounted the oil cooler outside the bodywork to reduce heat in the engine bay.

Biostar01 > hollanddjw 1
11/25/2013 at 21:10

Oh. That's cool.