The ACTUAL Customer Profiles of LA Auto Show Debut Vehicles

"Satish Kondapavulur" (becauseCAR) 11/23/2013 at 01:58 • Filed to: MY STUPID LISTS

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I love auto shows for the many, many activities for car enthusiasts. Messing with Ford's "intelligent" robot. Doing the Ride and Drives. Getting free coffee mugs. Questioning auto show models about the products they're standing next to. Collecting all the brochures I can only for my sister to later use them for scrapbooking.

But I'm not going to discuss any of that in this list. Instead, I'm going more in-depth, namely determining who will buy the vehicles debuted at major auto shows, since many automakers have been expanding into new segments of the market. This will involve questioning the car companies' judgment and contrasting them with my portrait of the "model" customer of each car, which will endear me to the product planners of the world.

After all, product planners have gotten their business cases and ideal customers very wrong before. For instance, buyers of the Honda Element. The Chevrolet SSR, a vehicle which Bob Lutz has never mentioned in any of his books. The Mercedes-Benz CLA. Any Scion except the FR-S.

Therefore, I've selected five cars that were unveiled at the Los Angeles Auto Show this past week and make out the differences between the conceptual buyer (generated from market surveys and focus groups) and the actual buyer (the likeness generated by a history major).

Author's Note: Product planners, no hard feelings. I'm sure a lot of Excel spreadsheets and PowerPoint presentations went into making market plans for these cars. I needed a good list to make some entertainment out of the week's events. There's nothing like seeing the answers to questions nobody's ever asked on auto show turnstiles.

Acura RLX Sport Hybrid

The Supposed Buyer: For the person considering the midsize luxury hybrids like the Lexus GS450h or Mercedes-Benz E400 Hybrid, or V-8 luxury cars like the BMW 550i and Audi S6. Never mind the fact that not many people buy them. That'll mean the very few baby-boomers on the younger end of the scale who care about the environment or people whose RL leases are up.

The Actual Buyer: Any wealthy buyer who has stuck to Honda product through and through, scared of BMW service cost and perception. Think ZDX owners (or more likely, lessees) who wish to stay loyal to Acura but want the most expensive car in the showroom. Either that or they're just getting the RLX because the least expensive Tesla Model S doesn't have enough of a range for their needs.

Youabian Puma

The Supposed Buyer: Anyone who bought a Murano CrossCabriolet but decided it wasn't big enough and needed a retractable hardtop. If that's 1% of CrossCab buyers, that's maybe 10 people. Or perhaps someone who can !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! so they can test drive the car. After all, what do the customers think they're buying? A Bugatti Veyron!?

The Actual Buyer: No one. Despite the website proclaiming a 12 to 18 month waiting list. Seriously. In that case, it will be the company that liquidates Youabian that'll be stuck with it. Then, look for someone to buy it at auction as a prop to be featured in Kanye West's next music video. After all, he does need to one-up "Mercy." Maybe he should call the video "Bankruptcy" while riding in it in the music video.

Nissan Juke NISMO RS

The Supposed Buyer: A person who liked the Juke-R but couldn't afford it, and dismissed the normal Juke NISMO because it wasn't fast and/or bonkers enough. Past Sentra SE-R owners who have kids on the way and need a "crossover." Non-conformists who want to stand out from the numerous MINI Countryman John Cooper Works cars in the parking lot and spend a lot less money.

The Actual Buyer: As above, but maybe no more than 100 of those people exist. As a result, Nissan will have to appeal to hot hatchback buyers with numerous ads and test drive events. That means getting Ford Focus ST, high-end Fiat 500L, and Volkswagen GTI buyers who want all-wheel-drive. Also, there might be a few people who would turn an AWD Juke RS into a rally car...

Kia K900

The Supposed Buyer: Someone who didn't think the Hyundai Equus was anonymous enough and decided the Kia would be even better. Buyers who went to their high school reunions in their Cadenzas and weren't noticed like that TV spot promised they would, and therefore believe that the K900 will make a larger statement. These are the same people who'll buy the K900 !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

The Actual Buyer: Teams of speed-crazed men who want to break Ed Bolian's cross-country record because the CL55 has high service and customization costs. (I am not actually encouraging this.) Because let's face it, when someone calls you in for the excessive speed, they almost certainly won't call your car a Kia. Which will mean you'll cross the country in under 28 hours and 50 minutes. Especially with the V-8 engine.

Porsche Macan

The Supposed Buyer: Boxster owners who had kids but still want the Porsche experience despite a manual transmission not being available. And people who can't afford a Cayenne who have always wanted a Porsche SUV for whatever reason. People getting out of their 3-Series/C-Class/A4/X3/GLK/Q5 lease who will pay the insane lease rates just to keep up with their co-workers and neighbors.

The Actual Buyer: Somewhat successful salespeople who need to showcase what their bonus went towards since the Audi Q5 is too common (and doesn't have sideblades). Customers who don't have to fund college educations or kids with trust funds. Or much more likely, industrious individuals who will buy them at dealers across the United States and promptly ship them to Asia for a quick profit.

So what other customer profiles have the product planners gotten wrong this year?

!!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! runs !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , named because "Clunker.com" was $82 at auction and would've taken 30% out of the balance of his Eagle Vision for LeMons fund. In between contemplating cross-country runs, he spends much of his time attempting to convince others that his MkV Jetta 2.0T Wolfsburg is indeed a sports sedan.

First photo credit to Jalopnik. Rest of photographs courtesy respective manufacturers.

CCC (formerly CyclistCarCoexist) > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 02:03

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You're not with the parents who want to get a Toyota Venza....a fat bloated oversized fat Camry that is 4000 pounds....really fat. And curiously, all of them (no matter what year) are under 100k miles. Volkswagen Sportswagen TDI all the way!

The-Ever-Socially-Apathetic TBAL > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 12:04

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I'd also like to add that the Macan will sell to Asian families for their sons and daughters to roll around in, so that they can claim to drive "A Porsche".

In White.

With an 8 on the license plate.

I swear I'm not stereotyping...

*runs away*

tiresmokke > The-Ever-Socially-Apathetic TBAL 11/23/2013 at 12:27

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That sounds too much like where I live in Toronto.

Satish Kondapavulur > The-Ever-Socially-Apathetic TBAL 11/23/2013 at 12:43

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Being in the SF Bay Area, I'm inclined to agree.

Doctor-G-and-the-wagen > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 12:50

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Oh god Ford still does the robots, and it's like show-wide phenomenon? I saw one at the Cleveland auto show a few years back and it was just.... geegh. Annoying and a little creepy.

TriniJaybird > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 12:50

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Youabian, sound suspiciously like
You A Bying??

Big-Hawk > The-Ever-Socially-Apathetic TBAL 11/23/2013 at 12:50

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You forgot to mention that all the Macans will be Turbo's pushing $100,000 because the Macan S is "not expensive enough".

TriniJaybird > The-Ever-Socially-Apathetic TBAL 11/23/2013 at 12:53

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Being in the Vancouver, BC area, I too am in agreement.

SamfaKenessal > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 12:56

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We are all neighbors. It's dead on.

JDiesel > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 13:15

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The puma is probably the worst/ugliest car in history, so your actual buyer analysis is dead on.

Satish Kondapavulur > Doctor-G-and-the-wagen 11/23/2013 at 13:26

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Yes. Unfortunately.

The-Ever-Socially-Apathetic TBAL > tiresmokke 11/23/2013 at 13:28

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I live in Toronto as well lol

IFTNFS > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 13:31

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I would buy the K900 if I could afford something in that price range. I think it's an attractive car, and an all-around nice car, regardless of the badge.

The name is incredibly stupid, so I'd scrape that off. The Kia badge can stay.

I'd say their market is "People that want a big, comfortable, feature-laden car but don't want to pay a premium for a name." It's the same thing as buying Peak synthetic oil instead of Mobil1, store-brand aspirin instead of Tylenol, etc. I don't think a K900 buyer is necessarily cross-shopping the same-size car from MB, BMW or Lexus. Instead, I think they're looking at the other brands one segment down and realizing they can get a lot more car for the same money from Kia. It's the same reason I got an Optima instead of a Focus, Dart, Jetta, Impreza or Mazda 3. If you have "X" to spend on a car, get the most car you can.

MaWeiTao > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 13:38

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I like the Juke, but nearly everyone interested in a sporty hatchback is not going to want that thing. As unique and compelling as the styling might be it still looks like a puffy crossover. And this thing is uglier than the base model because the body kit is so mismatched with the rest of the car. Based on what I've read, power output isn't expected to be increased by much, reducing performance appeal.

This thing is going to appeal to two kinds of people:
1) Those for whom the normal Juke is not different enough, but don't know or care what NISMO represents. These are the kinds of people who got the Cube with the ugly Krom package, or that other optional body kit.
2) That weird sort of performance enthusiast who does things like stance a CR-Z.

GT3RSinBlack,please > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 13:51

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This is the funniest thing i've seen on here in a while the descriptions are spot on. You really think there wont be lines out the door for any of these? There will be and everyone will just keep up with the joneses or the smith, or the patels, or whoever. the automotive industry is sad now everything is exactly the same. the most sad thing is that people don't know what they are buying. A flag-ship Kia? seriously? Korea must be having a laught right now. A 70k$ kia,why would you even choose that when you could have a nice 993 911 turbo, and actually enjoy your drives on a daily basis. I swear there have not been any good cars made since 2001.

hethoughtofcars > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 15:09

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The Youabian Puma website looks like it was made by someone's nephew who's "good with computers" using Adobe Pagemaker circa 1999.

PS9 > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 16:00

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Youabian Puma

Supposed Buyers: Lottery winners who already have a Volvo C70, but didn't think it was bonkers enough.

Actual Buyers: AHAHAHAHAHA

opensourceopen > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 16:07

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tapzz > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 16:10

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Youabian Puma

The Supposed Buyer:

The great thing about the Youabian Puma is that I can guarantee that no focus group or market research went anywhere near the process of building it. I've no doubt that the sole extent of its product planning was a brain fart in a single person's possibly addled and certainly deluded mind.

It's Glorious.

Top_Fuel1771 > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 17:04

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The Macan, to middle aged women (and men too) who know absolutely nothing about cars, but will bury themselves into a lease they can barely afford because they want to trump Bob & Sue next doors X3/Evoque/Q5/GLK by saying "well, that's nice, but it sure isn't no Porsche!"

Basically the exact same people who buy the Cayenne, but more poor.

E30Joe drives a Subaru > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 17:46

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I like the Nismo RS a lot. The more I read about it the more I like it. I'd actually consider buying one.

Dr. Understeer > The-Ever-Socially-Apathetic TBAL 11/23/2013 at 18:24

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Reminds me of.....my community college, in the Seattle area. All the "chairman's sons", as I like to call them, have to spend at least 50K on a car. The parking lot is chock-a-block with M3s, S-Audis, 3 GTRs, etc..... and then, there are the white kids, with their obscenely loud WRXs and Civic Rice-Rockets.

Huell Howitzer > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 18:50

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Of all of those vehicles, the Macan is likely to sell like hotcakes. The rest...not so much.

nauyop > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 21:37

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"Featured in Kanye West's next music video."

Speaking of rappers with bad taste of cars, I would recommend Will I Am. Remember that awfully chopped beetle?

nauyop > Satish Kondapavulur 11/23/2013 at 21:43

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Trying to sell and proclaiming a 12 to 18 month waiting list?

Who ever said this must be drunk. They should win a prize for this car: "Ugliest Car On Earth"

That company shouldn't even exist. They're having some seriously problems with their marketing strategy and design. The only potential buyer is Lady Gaga.

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > tapzz 11/23/2013 at 22:05

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Well its also a massively stupid, ugly, useless piece of crap...so there's that. I really want to know what drugs were involved and in what quantities.

yamanote > TriniJaybird 11/24/2013 at 00:04

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Don't forget the bright green N.

Aaron James > Satish Kondapavulur 11/24/2013 at 01:39

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The $250 non-refundable fee for a background check Seems like the perfect way for these scammers to get all your account information so they can drain your bank accounts before disappearing into a dark alley somewhere never to be seen or heard from again. Rich people would never stand for that level of douchiness just to even test drive a monstrosity like this. This just screams Nigerian prince level scam. A simple letter from your financial institution stating you qualify for a loan of the proper amount should be more than enough. A background check, please.......

Collin > Satish Kondapavulur 11/24/2013 at 08:54

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Actual buyer? Optima owner with extreme Kia loyalty who just got a major promotion at his non-big 3 accounting firm.

Louis Subearth > IFTNFS 11/24/2013 at 11:06

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I'm pretty sure the Optima is a mid size, compared to a Focus or a Dart, which are compact sized. The Optima can go against a Fusion or a Camry.

Louis Subearth > Collin 11/24/2013 at 11:10

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It isn't that bad, it's just fear of trying new things and acknowledging that they can stand up against the Europeans, Japanese and some American cars.

McChiken116 - Patrick H. > Satish Kondapavulur 11/24/2013 at 17:42

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-whispers- I really like that juke

N/A POWAAAHH > Dr. Understeer 11/24/2013 at 20:22

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Nothing wrong with a loud subie

tapzz > Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment 11/24/2013 at 20:26

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Word.

I'd like to say that I'll have whatever he's having, but I'm too attached to my sanity.

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > tapzz 11/24/2013 at 20:41

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Hey heroin is fun sometimes right...?

lie2me > Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment 11/24/2013 at 21:06

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No, that car is not heroine, it's totally meth... on drugs

lie2me > Satish Kondapavulur 11/24/2013 at 21:41

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F1-Fanatic > The-Ever-Socially-Apathetic TBAL 11/24/2013 at 23:39

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I live in Irvine, CA - I fully expect to see plenty of these for your aforementioned reason

jps0429 > Satish Kondapavulur 11/25/2013 at 09:20

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"Auto show models" is NOT the correct term.

We are "Product Specialists"

Thanks!

Scotty J > PS9 11/25/2013 at 12:36

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This thing HAS to be the work of Will I Am

Satish Kondapavulur > lie2me 11/26/2013 at 00:15

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That Maybach doesn't help things either...

Satish Kondapavulur > McChiken116 - Patrick H. 11/26/2013 at 00:16

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You know, even I like it too. But I would never own one because I'd have a difficult time selling it three months later.

Satish Kondapavulur > Collin 11/26/2013 at 00:17

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Unfortunately, only 7 people like that exist. Extreme Kia loyalty? Hah!

Satish Kondapavulur > Aaron James 11/26/2013 at 00:18

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I know. At least Veyron owners have their dealers to vouch for them if they want a test drive.

Satish Kondapavulur > nauyop 11/26/2013 at 00:20

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Believe it or not, the waiting list bit is on their website.

Satish Kondapavulur > nauyop 11/26/2013 at 00:21

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Or that wannabe DeLorean?

Satish Kondapavulur > E30Joe drives a Subaru 11/26/2013 at 00:23

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Same here, but I'll buy it used in a couple years when they can be had for a song.

Satish Kondapavulur > tapzz 11/26/2013 at 00:25

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You're very right. But decidedly un-glorious.

Satish Kondapavulur > PS9 11/26/2013 at 00:27

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Yeah, I noticed the C70 connection but there was more to the monstrosity than that. Mentioning the Volvo would somehow make the Puma sound sane.

"It's a Volvo, but we decided to make it even safer!"

Satish Kondapavulur > hethoughtofcars 11/26/2013 at 00:28

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The things we do for low-cost websites...

Satish Kondapavulur > GT3RSinBlack,please 11/26/2013 at 00:30

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Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed the list!

Even though the Macan will definitely have a waiting list. If not for people wanting to lease them, it's the people who'll immediately export them to China for the quick profit.

Satish Kondapavulur > MaWeiTao 11/26/2013 at 00:31

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1) That's most likely what's going to happen.

2) If that guy has kids, then the Juke RS is his only choice.

Collin > Satish Kondapavulur 11/26/2013 at 10:21

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You'd be surprised. My dad bought a 2005 Kia Spectra, which I later bought from him, a 2007 Hyundai Sonata, and a 2011 Sonata. At this point, if his next car isn't a Genesis, I'll be surprised.

McChiken116 - Patrick H. > Satish Kondapavulur 11/26/2013 at 11:11

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That's where enthusiast forums come in handy.