Vanity Fair Calls the 328 Touring the "Ultimate Urban Gay Car"

"Tom McParland" (tommcparland) 10/22/2013 at 13:38 • Filed to: Wagon, BMW, 328

2

45

...and I am comfortable enough with my sexuality to be o.k. with that.

"For a subset of urbane, professional, country-house-owning, canine-loving, New York City homosexuals of a certain age, the contemporary upscale station wagon is extremely arousing—on par with, say, viewing Olympic men’s swimming. This is because these vehicles do everything our cohort requires. They can schlep a dog and two gentlemen to the mountains, lake, or beach in comfort and style. They are available (or come exclusively) with all-wheel drive, for added four-season security and not dying. Like the perfect pair of jeans, they can be dressed up for a gala event or dressed down so you won’t be singled out and murdered during a trip to rural Vermont. And they provide plenty of space for hauling charming and unexpected roadside finds, like a quartet of wooden Danish Modern dining-room chairs, a trio of patinated iron plant stands, or a pair of West Point cross-country runners who are lost and in need of a ride back to campus... !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! "

However, it does make me wonder about the upcoming V60...

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

TheJWT > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 13:44

2

If station wagons are gay what does that make oppo?

For Sweden > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 13:46

2

It's a practical, good looking car, therefore it's gayer than Johnny Weir.

Tom McParland > TheJWT 10/22/2013 at 13:46

2

duurtlang > TheJWT 10/22/2013 at 13:47

4

Welcoming and not-backward?

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 13:49

2

Uhh... I'ma gonna dissect this...

urbane, professional, country-house-owning, canine-loving

Well, that's describing me to a T there.

New York City

Aaaand we're off the rails

homosexuals

Back on the rails for me, anyway

of a certain age

Aaand....derailed again.

the contemporary upscale station wagon

Most of them aren't bad, but there is a contingent of people who really want a new Buick Roadmaster, or other GM B-Body

is extremely arousing

Steeeeeeeeeeeeeretching a bit there aren't we? Or are we inflating it?

on par with, say, viewing Olympic men’s swimming

Clearly you haven't viewed Olympic men's swimming. Unless you want to see a hottie wrapped in head to foot neoprene. For teh speedz! For the alleged VF Station Wagon audience, there would rather be calls of "Save the Speedos!" just for more gratuitious skin (I'm getting really close to being indistinguishable from someone on Jez, so I'mma gonna stop there)

I could go on like this for the entire VF article...

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 13:49

2

Ilike_cougars > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 13:53

1

You read vanity fair? look who has grown up and become a big girl..

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 13:53

1

And they provide plenty of space for hauling charming and unexpected roadside finds, like a quartet of wooden Danish Modern dining-room chairs, a trio of patinated iron plant stands, or a pair of West Point cross-country runners who are lost and in need of a ride back to campus...

This just seems super creepy.

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht 10/22/2013 at 13:54

2

False.

The USS Enterprise is not a station wagon. It's clearly a pickup truck.

Tom McParland > Ilike_cougars 10/22/2013 at 13:55

0

Not normally, but I do follow Mr. Berk on Twitter.

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > TheJWT 10/22/2013 at 13:56

0

James May and Richard Hammond with copious innuendo.

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. 10/22/2013 at 14:00

0

Better served with a pickup. Then you can take all of that at ONCE!

The runners can sit in the pickup bed. Every gay man would have put the dining room chairs in the back of the cab.

DasWauto > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 14:02

0

Why do people always assume that this means they are calling the car gay. They're only saying it's the perfect car for the Urban part of that demographic, not applying the stereotype to the car.

BJ > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 14:03

1

This is stupid.

Tom McParland > DasWauto 10/22/2013 at 14:05

1

Yeah that is how I read it as appealing to that buyer group. What is interesting however, is that they can say "This car is perfect for urban gays" and everything is cool. But you can't say "This car is perfect for urban blacks." Too much messiness there.

Pessimippopotamus > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 14:05

0

You know what they say about back door fun.

For Sweden > duurtlang 10/22/2013 at 14:14

0

Sounds like something a breeder would say.

For Sweden > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. 10/22/2013 at 14:15

0

It's not creepy if the older men are gay. That's just science.

MIATAAAA > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 14:16

2

I'm going to disagree and call the Miata the Ultimate Urban Gay Car.

Call it a gut feeling.

Edit: It's also the Ultimate Rural Gay Car. And the Ultimate Suburban Gay Car. And the Ultimate Car.

For Sweden > KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs 10/22/2013 at 14:16

0

I once went on the internet. No one needs to watch Olympic swimming to see naked men with 2% body fat.

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > For Sweden 10/22/2013 at 14:20

0

You've clearly never been hit on by a guy 30 year's your senior...

For Sweden > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. 10/22/2013 at 14:23

1

Of course I have, but they were gay, and therefore have only the purest intentions.

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > For Sweden 10/22/2013 at 14:25

0

No, and 2% body fat is sometimes way too little.

Proportions man...proportions. And a smile. That works wonders, too.

highmodulus > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 14:25

6

The BMW 328i Touring, it makes you want the D.

Diesel model, which gets great mileage with proper low end grunt.

What?

Brian, The Life of > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 14:29

0

Seriously, Vanity Fair, just STOP writing about cars. You are simply out of your depth.

Either that or start calling me Mary because if wagons are gay, I'm a big ol' 'Mo!

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 14:51

1

And as a "wagon" enthusiast who insists on using the terminology of Avant then you, sir, are

willkinton247 > MIATAAAA 10/22/2013 at 15:18

2

I always thought that this distinction went to the Smart Fortwo forJeremy.

MIATAAAA > willkinton247 10/22/2013 at 15:22

0

Oh most definitely not.

There's a huge difference between Ultimate Gay Car and Ultimate Sixteen Year Old Girl Car.

Makoyouidiot > highmodulus 10/22/2013 at 15:28

0

Another ruined keyboard....

ocbrad1 used to be iamhoff but is now just wandering around > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 15:36

1

Not gay but I still love these, and would happily rock a 6m 328d Touring if BMW would dare sell one to me. The wife loves her F30 328i, and I want more room for the canines (70 lb and 100 lb Dobermans). The wife, unfortunately can't stand wagons, but would accept an X5. Sigh.

ZeroOrDie - Powered By MZR > ocbrad1 used to be iamhoff but is now just wandering around 10/22/2013 at 15:49

1

get the 328d and throw and x5 badge on it. problem solved.

willkinton247 > MIATAAAA 10/22/2013 at 15:54

0

The forJeremy is just so darn flamboyent and it was designed by a fashion designer. The Smart fortwo is also designed to be the ultimate urban car. It's as long as a parallel parking spot is wide. Also, my parents have a German wagon, and I'd hate to drive that into the city. The Miata definitely has a reputation of being a "gay" car because it's so darn happy looking.

Honestly, I think it's stupid to pin a car down as "gay" unless you actually went out and polled a statistically relevant number of homosexual men to find out what cars they loved the most.

MIATAAAA > willkinton247 10/22/2013 at 15:58

0

I love driving the Miata into cities. If fits in almost any spot. It's pretty narrow for compact spaces.

And I love Miatas. So if you start taking that poll, you can count at least one homosexual man.

Volvosaurus-Rex > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 15:58

1

As long as someone is buying wagons I could care less who it is.

Moar wagons to buy in the used market!

But please, front or rear wheels driven, not both.

ocbrad1 used to be iamhoff but is now just wandering around > ZeroOrDie - Powered By MZR 10/22/2013 at 16:10

0

I wish it were that easy. She likes her small car, but thinks I should have a big car, for the practicalness of it. Plus, I think she thinks the higher ride height looks manlier...or maybe less gay? We both have gay friends, so I don't think there's anything beyond thinking I should be in some tall 4x4 (I had a 5m VQ35 Pathfinder when we first met). Sigh. Guess I need to find me a distressed Danish Modern, umm, something? I know, I know, I'm just not gay enough, lol!

ZeroOrDie - Powered By MZR > ocbrad1 used to be iamhoff but is now just wandering around 10/22/2013 at 16:18

0

Wear more bright colors. Act manly as fuck. No one will be confused if you pull it off right.

Tom McParland > Volvosaurus-Rex 10/22/2013 at 16:32

3

Yes! Though I'm more concerned about the number of pedals than drive wheels

Volvosaurus-Rex > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 16:39

0

How did I skip over that fact? I guess I get a little caught up in the Oppo spirit and assume no cars have less than 3 pedals.

cuts_off_prius > Tom McParland 10/22/2013 at 16:53

1

Ah, the good ol' American way of confusing "European" things with "Gay"

willkinton247 > MIATAAAA 10/22/2013 at 17:12

0

The Miata is just a fantastic car, period. I would take one as my DD in a heartbeat and drive it into the ground. It also makes complete sense as an urban car too, not going to argue with you there at all. I just don't see why it would be considered a "gay" car, even though some people definitely do consider it to be. I had a Subaru Legacy Outback for a while, a car that is widely thought of as driven exclusively by lesbians. I loved it, and I am definitely not a lesbian. I now drive a Jetta, which is considered to be a chick car, and I'm not one of those either.

What does define a car as "gay?" Every reason the article listed for why the 328T xDrive is the perfect gay car is what makes any wagon, especially of the sport variety, a perfect car for anyone with friends, dogs, families, a love of driving, a desire to have traction in inclement conditions and just enough luxury without being ostentatious, space to carry things, and apparently a desire to stay alive. What makes the Miata the perfect car for someone who is gay, other than the fact that it is just the perfect car for an enthusiast of any orientation?

I cannot think of a single car where the designers pointed at a group of people with a certain sexual orientation and thought, "lets make the perfect car for them."

ocbrad1 used to be iamhoff but is now just wandering around > ZeroOrDie - Powered By MZR 10/22/2013 at 17:52

0

I'll get right on it. I'm currently up in the oil sands area of northern Alberta, so bright colors may be in short supply (besides high-vis reflective yellow for the site workers), so I'll see what I can find.

Derek Powell > Brian, The Life of 10/22/2013 at 17:56

0

Have you read Brett Berk's other automotive stuff? He's a total gearhead and his work isn't limited to Vanity Fair. There's Autoweek, Road & Track, BBC, and so on.

Jimmeney > MIATAAAA 10/23/2013 at 06:26

1

I used to feel really guilty about owning an MX5 and being gay. I was perpetuating stereotypes, but I like my cars damnit!

"It's a gay car driven by gays"

"No it's not, it's a really good car to drive!"

"You're gay and you bought one"

"Screw you, it's a brilliant car!"

Jonathan Harper > Tom McParland 10/23/2013 at 23:41

0

SaiDas > Tom McParland 10/28/2013 at 17:55

1

"Not that there's anything wrong with that."