I did some writing!

"Anon" (tjsielsistneb) 10/17/2013 at 02:01 • Filed to: None

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It's a bit into the story I'm planning but I thought that some of you might be able to give me feedback!

“Why hello there gentlemen.” A gruff voice echoed through the room.

Before him stood a man whose face he had seen many times before. He had seen it on TV, in books, in newspapers. The man had a wrinkled face with a short but thick white beard that came around and met short white hair. His face, which with it’s peering emerald eyes, was unmistakable. A man, who despite having his entire army decimated in front of him, stood tall in a black suit and tie. Before him, smiling, stood His Majesty Hugo Risenburn.

Before Dominick could even say a word, Finnegan had stepped in front of him, drawing his revolver and pointing it at Hugo he declared. “Hugo Risenburn! By the New Aranian Order I hereby place you under arrest.”

Hugo pulled off his glasses and withdrawing a cleaning cloth from his pocket began to clean them. “Finnegan Mallardi, head of the New Aranian Order. How nice of you to visit.” He said while smiling.

“Listen here you bastard!” Perth started in a run towards Hugo before Finnegan held out his arm to block her. “Do you really think he would leave himself this unprotected?” He warned.

“He’s right, Perth.” Dominick added, then turned to Hugo. “So what is it?”

Hugo placed his glasses back on his face then turned to look out the window, which covered an entire wall of the room. Out of the window one could see the explosions of the battle happening on the ground below. He pulled a cigarette out of his jacket and placed it on his lips. Then he began feeling around in his jacket looking for something.

“Would you happen to have a lighter on you?” Hugo spoke, not turning around. Though he was not facing Finnegan, one could tell the comment was intended for him.

Perth’s eyes opened wide. “I got a nine millimeters of hot led! That should be more than enough to light your—“ Finnegan placed a finger over her mouth. “I have one.” He then walked towards Hugo.

“You fucking dumbass!” Perth exploded.

However, as if he did not hear her, he continued until he stood side by side with Hugo. “Here” Finnegan said as he pulled out his zippo and lit Hugo’s cigarette.

Perth began to raise her gun; however before she could do anything rash Dominick put his hand on her shoulder. “This is Finnegan, if he felt that it would have been a good idea to shoot him, he would of done it himself.” He reasoned.

She lowered her weapon. “I guess you’re right.”

“Care for one?” Hugo offered a cigarette. Finnegan took one then lighting it placed it in his mouth.

Finnegan stared into the explosion-riddled battlefield. Before him he saw man after man die. Finnegan closed his eyes and exhaled a long breath. For a moment there was no noise expect that of the raging battle outside.

Hugo withdrew his cigarette and pulled out a flask taking a long slug. “’They wrote in the old days that it is sweet and fitting to die for one's country. But in modern war, there is nothing sweet nor fitting in your dying. You will die like a dog for no good reason.’”

“Hemmingway?” Finnegan said slowly.

“I believe so.” He said putting away his flask.

“I must respect you, allowing us to get all the way to you is quite the risky move. You could of left as soon as you saw the assault coming, but you didn’t. Instead you stood in this room unguarded, knowing that I would come. However even after all of this conjecture I still haven’t been able to tell what your trump card is yet. You are much too complex to simply poison the cigarette; you are too honest to booby trap the room. I’m curious, what is it?” Finnegan said with his eyes never leaving the carnage outside.

“Explosives.” Hugo said still staring out the window.

Finnegan smiled. “I should of known, a versatile weapon. A weapon that which would allow your death to look like an attack by us.”

“There’s more.” He smirked.

“Oh is there?” Finnegan said.

“Quite, you care to hear?” He lowered his cigarette.

“That’s why we’re here.”

“This military base currently has fifty-four intercontinental ballistic missiles armed with nuclear warheads in its launch silos. Currently I have an EKG attached to me, which is broadcasting a signal to a military base somewhere in this country. In that military base there is a man who I have given the missile launch codes for the base. I have also given him instructions, which are as follows ‘If my heart ceases to beat or the signal is lost, then launch all the available rockets at the cities listed below.’ Then I gave him a list of cities with a population of over ten million, with one city noticeably absent, the rebel controlled city of New York.”

Finnegan exhaled deeply. “And let me guess. The resulting chaos and destruction would all be blamed on the rebels who had occupied the base. We would be seen as terrorist, loose all support, and millions would be dead. In the midst of this tragedy one of the people you have designated to succeed you would act as a beacon of hope. The ultimate defeat.”

“Quite, now are you ready to hear my demands?”

MtrRider Just Wants Doritos > Anon 10/17/2013 at 02:11

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Would read.

Osiris - I can haz Euro spec? > Anon 10/17/2013 at 02:12

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This...was awesome! I don't read too many books so I'm no expert or anything but coming up on the end and knowing I would get no closure about how this goes down, I was sad! I want more!

Now here's the one thing I'd like to know. Obviously it is set in modern day or very near future but as I read their words and how you portrayed them, it seemed like it was a different world (like that of Sera in Gears of War) but in a more industrial time. Like a modern day '20's era. It kind of had a Dishonored (video game again) feel to it.

Once again, I loved it. I want more. And I expect to hear from you when you finish it so I can find more!

Anon > MtrRider Just Wants Doritos 10/17/2013 at 02:24

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Thanks, I'll be working on it some more soon.

Anon > Osiris - I can haz Euro spec? 10/17/2013 at 02:26

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Thanks, it is set in a not too distant future. Though I don't really want to disclose any more than that at the time. I'll definitely update it again soon.

Osiris - I can haz Euro spec? > Anon 10/17/2013 at 02:27

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Definitely! No spoilers! But you did what a good writer should. I want more!

GhostZ > Anon 10/17/2013 at 05:55

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For brevity sake, I'll edit and explain why I did as I go along,.

A voice scraped against the walls, "Hello there, Gentleman." The walls echoed back. (Open with an emotion that tells us how something is said rather than what, so the brain knows how to characterize the dialogue)

(don't introduce with pronouns when you have multiple new characters of the same gender, especially if they are familiar to eachother) Behind the voice was a face, wrinkled and adorned with a short, white beard, crowned with short, white hair. The face was instantly recognizable, some would argue it was famous. In a way, it was. (be brief in your description, we can find out more about how the characters look over time, but their immediate reveal should only tell us what we absolutely need to know. Let the mind want to find out the rest)

(This is the first major motion that happens, so it has to be dramatic, and immediately express the tension between the characters before the dialogue happens) Finnegan hand whipped like a viper to his revolver, blocking Dominick's view as he wielded it at the famous man. "Hugo Risenburn, you're under arrest!" The revolver made a slight quiver, as Finnegan breathed in. "...By the new Aranian order, I, hereby, place you under arrest." (raise the tension by making the actions more stilted, "on the edge" to try and act. If something appears easy to do, even just shouting an arrest order, then its not very exciting.)

Hugo, in his age, glanced down to see his emerald eyes reflected back at him by the revolver. His eyes darted once to the floor, before returning to the gun, eyebrows lowered. "Finnegan Mallardi." He acknowledged. Hugo's grisly hand reached up and removed his glasses. Like ritual, he removed a cleaning cloth from his pocket and caressed the soft surface against the glass."I don't get visitors often, especially not from the Head of the New Aranian Order ." His head tilted, staring through Finnegan as his smile remained. (there is still no reason to explain why he is arrested, unless you already explained it earlier and wanted to bring it back up, but you can drag out the "why" and play with reader's expectations)

A shrill sound came from behind Finnegan, as Perth moved out from the eclipsing man. “Listen here you bastard!” Perth started in a run towards Hugo before Finnegan held out his arm to block her. "Perth..." He said, balancing the woman and the gun in each arm, "...he not unprotected."

Dominick gave Perth a cautionary glance, before turning back to Hugo. "This is the end. What do you still have?" Hugo's smile was unwavering, as Dominick continued. “The entire army is gone, Hugo."

Hugo placed his glasses back on his face. His eyes glanced at the large windows beside him, which erupted into brightness as a bomb, like lightning, struck the ground below. The revolver quivered again.

Hugo opened his jacket, and Finnegan stepped forward in response. Hugo's eyes immediately flashed toward Finnegan as he drew out a Cigarette from the pocket Dominick's shoulders lowered, his heartbeat slowing. Hugo turned his body toward the window, and Finnegan immediately moved to try and keep the gun pointed close at the man's head.

Hugo's smile remained, as he patted the other side of his jacket. He did not look at Finnegan, but asked "...do you have a light?"

Perth erupted, “I got a nine millimeters of hot lead! That should light your—“ Finnegan pulled her closer and placed a finger over her mouth. Silence followed as Finnegan's hand tightened around the gun. “I do.”

(that's all I'll go through for now)

Basically, imagine describing a chess board to a blind person. With what you've written so far, they know about the different pieces, and their relative positions, but they're not cut very cleanly, they don't know the color of the squares, or the size of the pieces and the board, and they're not sure how each one of them moves or who will win the game. So the hardest part about writing: setting up those positions, is over.

My best advice is to engage with the senses more. Act out the scenes as you imagine them, and see how your body reacts. Write that down. Experiment with the emotions you want the reader to experience. You write definitely like someone who gets their inspiration from video or audio, and you have to re-evaluate how the reader perceives text differently. Stream-of-consciousness writing like James Joyce and Faulkner might benefit you significantly.

Those "epic" moments of coolness in writing depend on a carefully built structure, like massive mouse trap or a chess game. In video and audio, you have a million times more tools to play with, since sensory input is significantly higher. In writing though, you're a lot more limited in your build, so it takes more care in setting up the subtle emotions and interactions so that the body can really feel something when a major event happens. Otherwise, it comes off as hollow.

Anon > GhostZ 10/18/2013 at 11:38

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Sorry, I've been putting off getting to this. Thanks for all of the advice! I'm still working on the visualization, like you said, I come from a audio/visual background.

GhostZ > Anon 10/18/2013 at 12:30

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I hope what I wrote gave you some ideas on how to carry out visual movement into text. It was rushed and late, but there's just a few linguistic/visual tricks you can pull.

Another idea is to read it out loud, as if you're acting it out on stage, and see how your own body moves when you react. Describing that movement, colorfully, can support the dialogue really well.