A Good Riddance To My Third Car

"For Sweden" (rallybeetle) 10/04/2013 at 13:00 • Filed to: Rants, Pontiac Grand Am, Pontiac, Grand Am, N Body

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You never made it easy for me. You were born a truly dreadful 1991 Pontiac Grand AM LE, and then you were sold to a woman who ran your engine out of oil at 50,000 miles. And then, in 2008, you became mine; my third car.

Much unlike your aftermarket stereo, I'll always remember the features you didn't have. I'll always remember your lack of a trunk-release button, forcing me to to get out of the car and get yelled at by police when picking someone up at the airport. Nor will I forget your passenger-side door lock that would not obey the electric lock, constantly annoying my company when I asked them to manually lock you. Nor will I forget that you contained my very first slushbox, and with it sucked my soul dry.

I know now that every time you broke down or broke my spirit, you were trying to remind me of something. The time we picked up my date, a woman who drove a brand-new Mercedes-Benz, you reminded me that I bought you out of necessity, not desire, and that I didn't come from money. When your heater core sprung a leak while on another date, you reminded me that I was not worthy of romantic attachment. When you broke down on the way to and from an interview for an internship at NASA, you reminded me that I should give up on my career dreams and aspirations.

And looking back on it, your God-forsaken N-body roots reminded me of my God-forsaken proletarian roots. As I watched you foolishly attempted to provide Driving Excitement, you taught me to never aspire to greatness and, unlike you, accept my lot in life.

But the truth is, I rejected your lessons. Though our relationship was based around my need for basic transportation, I devoted my life to never, ever becoming as sorry an excuse as you.

Using you as a benchmark of who not to be has carried me far in life.

The last time you broke down, I finally said "screw it" and donated you to charity. Why I pushed your sorry excuse for life onto the less fortunate I'll never know, but I hope they painted you in a rival team's colors and smashed you with hammers.

Rot in hell and good riddance.

You beat the hell out of me, and made my life immeasurably worse because of it. The only gift you gave me was limping away on the flatbed truck and ensuring I'd never have to endure your malaise ever again. Yet you owe a debt to me; the $350 tax deduction I received from your charity auction is not appropriate restitution for the pain you caused me. You took so much from me, and reminded me daily.

To you, my third car, a hateful red 1991 Pontiac Grand Am LE, I will never apologize.

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 13:04

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"a hateful read 1991 Pontiac Grand Am LE"
Had you bought a read Iron Duke Firebird, women would think you owned a read Ferrari.

Rock Bottom > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 13:43

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I see yours was a Quad4 car. Sorry for your loss.

I had a 90 with a 2.5/auto and then a 91 with a 2.5/manual and loved the shit out of both of them! In fact, I would happily drive another 2.5 with a 5-stick again! Loved it every bit as much as my current 2008 Civic Si. They were both slow, but they were incredibly reliable and stood up to my retarded abuse pretty well.

Also, did you get that NASA internship? I interned at NASA Ames in 2007. I brought a 2001 Saturn for that one (bonus points for car name referencing a celestial body?)

For Sweden > Rock Bottom 10/04/2013 at 13:46

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I was offered it, but I had already taken a different one.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 14:40

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"I'll always remember your lack of a trunk-release button, forcing me to to get out of the car and get yelled at by police when picking someone up at the airport. Nor will I forget your passenger-side door lock that would not obey the electric lock, constantly annoying my company when I asked them to manually lock you."- Just like my e36 328i.

ninjagin > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 14:40

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Okay, I have to ask, what was the car to replace her?

frogberg > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 14:41

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For Sweden > ninjagin 10/04/2013 at 14:45

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Actually went without a DD for a while. Needed to detox.

ninjagin > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 14:47

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Okay, so what's looking like the next replacement, then? If you haven's settled on a specific model, have you identified a marque or body style?

For Sweden > ninjagin 10/04/2013 at 14:48

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I eventually got around to buying a used Volvo.

Logan > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 14:57

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Oh my where to begin. I had the pleasure of driving three of these buggers. a 89, 91, and I believe a 92. I never had the horrible experience of the Quad4 instead I was blessed with the Ironduke engine. At least that is what my dad called it. You couldn't stop these cars, but here in NY the thing that did stop them was rust, and they loved to rust. My favorite one was from 1991 I drove it to college in Cobleskill, NY. One day on my way back to Albany during a heavy snow storm I was cut off, I applied the brakes and I was greeted with the lovely experience of fishtailing, my bumper caught the guard rail, and tore it and the rear taillights completely off. I hustled out into the snow in the middle of the highway and threw my bumper, steel support beam and lights in the trunk and then drove the rest of the way home. I bolted the bumper back on with a couple pieces of threaded rod going all the way through the bumper into the trunk of the car. Next the drivers door window stopped working so I replaced the whole thing with another one from a different color grand am, but without any rust so I figured it a super upgrade. Then I was side swiped during another snow storm and the whole drivers side was crushed in. On she went into the snow again, never stopping and never getting me stuck. Oh and then their was the fuel gauge that only went down to 1/4 tank. That gave me my first experience hitch hiking for fuel on the highway and odd men offering me rides. On a date one evening with my future wife the brake lines blew out and I had to swerve through traffic to stop because like everything else on the car the emergency brake line was rusted solid. On she went again. You can't own one of these without remember the smell of the interior, or the tickle of the roof liner on the top of your hair as it sagged down. Man I miss those cars. What finally did her in? My dad was driving the car while I was out of town and while waiting to make a right turn, a mac truck decided to make the same right turn and smashed the trailer across the front of the car... She still went on, but on to some other poor soul to use that Iron Duke of a engine in another rusted out shell.

What I miss most of all about the car was the memories, because more than anything I had some great ones in her.

David E. Davis > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 14:58

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Was this the 3rd car you owned or a 3rd car?

Forgetnomore > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 14:58

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I'd love to hear your life story.

David E. Davis > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 14:59

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Was this the 3rd car you owned or was it a third (spare) car?

Please ignore my greyed Gawker doppelganger below.

For Sweden > David E. Davis 10/04/2013 at 15:01

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Both.

Elmo > David E. Davis 10/04/2013 at 15:02

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Um it's kind of hard to with your avi...

David E. Davis > Rock Bottom 10/04/2013 at 15:05

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I've been driving cars that reference a celestial body for years.

Rock Bottom > David E. Davis 10/04/2013 at 15:11

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Yeah, but everyone knows you can only see Pleiades from Japan so it doesn't count :)

David E. Davis > Elmo 10/04/2013 at 15:11

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I sometimes forget to switch out bouncing from site to site. oh yeah, i like my avi too :)

55_mercury > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 15:13

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actually it looks pretty good for being 23 year old car...

dogisbadob > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 15:16

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stance yo

Vintage1982Benz > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 15:30

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90's Pontiac's were the worst.

I killed two of them (neither mine) during my college years just driving along normally along the interstate. I don't know the history of the vehicles since they weren't mine, but it still left me never wanting to drive a Pontiac again.

Killed the transmission on one of these -

This one belonged to a girl I was dating. Cracked the engine block and some fluid leaked in (want to say antifreeze) and mixed with the oil. Engine needed to be replaced.

Never apologize to a Pontiac. Ever. There is a reason they are no longer in existence.

PS - did you get that NASA internship?

quasi mofo > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 15:31

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If memory serves, the doors and ignition required two different keys on GM cars of this era.

timgray > Vintage1982Benz 10/04/2013 at 15:38

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90's GM cars were the worst of all cars.

DRobin78 > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 15:42

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Its scary how relatable this is to my current situation with a Saturn SL2, I needed a car RIGHT NOW and it was available. I know there's probably some life lesson in it all but when I end up buying something better in a few months I plan on taking this thing to the middle of the desert and setting it on fire.

No apologies.

Vintage1982Benz > timgray 10/04/2013 at 15:46

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Largely, yes. I learned how to drive and got around in my Mom's one of these when I first got my license. Got it up to 115 on the highway like a 16 year old moron, and when I caught the draft off the rear end of a semi and the front end lifted up I figured I better slow down.

My neighbor had an early 90's Saturn SL that we used to beat the hell out of. Was a 5 speed and we drove it like a kart.

Not all bad memories of 90's GM. But they spawned this...

loki03xlh > Vintage1982Benz 10/04/2013 at 15:48

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Still have my '90 Firechicken, the water pump puked yesterday. I'll hold on to it, plan to swap out the 5.0 to an LS someday.

Stef Schrader > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 15:50

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My second car, too—Nissan Altima, you're fired .

Vintage1982Benz > Vintage1982Benz 10/04/2013 at 15:56

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Bonneville disappeared - this was the cracked block car.

colorfulyawn > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 16:01

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So, third time not quite the charm, then?

The Old Man from Scene 24 > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 16:04

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You purchased a 17 year old GM compact that had been abused/neglected by its previous owner and you're surprised that it's a complete POS?

Caveat emptor.

G-man84 > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 16:24

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As someone who had the pleasure of owning a 91 grand am SE (same color too) as my FIRST car, and have owned a total of 6 N-body cars in the last decade, I am sort of offended by your hatred.

Full disclosure, between the 6 N-body cars, I ended up needing 3 extra transmissions, 1 extra engine, and a whole lot of body work on the 1991 car that had spent its life in New England. While I hated them all in their own way, I really did love them, which is why there is still one in my driveway right now.

SuperBudgie > DRobin78 10/04/2013 at 16:39

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Ahhh, dont. Saturn S-Series are great little cars. Yours was probably just abused. Im sure theirs someone who would give it a good home if you look hard enough.

Elmo > David E. Davis 10/04/2013 at 17:17

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I mean the avi on your other name lol.

DRobin78 > SuperBudgie 10/04/2013 at 17:20

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Yea it could just be lemon because the most random things break on this car, to date I had the radiator drain plug fall off, the parking brake button randomly shot off the lever as well as several cabin body panels fell off and now one of the rear windows wont stay up. Its been fun...

evilfacelessturtle (Hooning a Ford is Domestic Abuse) > Vintage1982Benz 10/04/2013 at 17:21

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The trick was knowing what to avoid (i.e. 4 bangers). My Grand Am with the 3.1 V6 has been indestructible. Not a single engine repair in 200k miles.

evilfacelessturtle (Hooning a Ford is Domestic Abuse) > timgray 10/04/2013 at 17:25

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Not true. Their 4 bangers sucked but the V6s were strong as hell.

Vashdakari > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 17:27

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The government will actually let you claim $499 for the charitable donation of your car. If the amount of the auction is higher than $499, you can claim that, but it's whichever is higher. I worked at a non-profit for 2 years that does car donations.

Still not enough to make up for your crappy Pontiac, but at least it's another $149.

Thor's Hammered > Vintage1982Benz 10/04/2013 at 17:28

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I actually had good luck with my first car, a '91 Pontiac Grand Prix. My mom was a rural mail carrier so she had the bench seat in front to reach the mail boxes and drive with her left hand and foot. For me, it lead to many bonuses from my girlfriend while driving. :) I inherited it with 175,000 miles on it. I had that car for three years. I got rid of it with about 210,000 on it. It promptly took a shit on the next owner a month after they bought it.

DIRTEE30 > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 18:02

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I had an '86 Grand Am coupe. My second car after my truck was totaled, and I couldn't afford anything else better. If it was legal to do so, I'd brick the gas pedal and aim it towards a cliff. Biggest piece of shit. Ever. To this day, I'm anti-American cars because of that lousy pile of crap.

Sure, most people have told me that was GM back in the day. But the fact that it was ever able to let a worthless pile of crap hit the showroom makes them untrustworthy. It's like a former drug addict. You can never fully trust them. I don't care how long they've been clean.

onceuponawheel > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 18:47

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91' Saturn SL1 1.9 SOHC 5-speed was a great car. only died after going almost 300k miles while easily attaining it's 26/36 EPA rating.

SuperBudgie > DRobin78 10/04/2013 at 19:22

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Saturns weren't the best put together cars, i'll give you that. Horrible interior fit and finish is par for the course. But ive seen so many S-Series with over 200,000 miles on them. Things break on them, but nothing that cant be replaced. They nickle and dime you till the cows come home but they'll last forever and thats why i love them so much. Also pretty easy to work on if your up for the challenge.

timgray > evilfacelessturtle (Hooning a Ford is Domestic Abuse) 10/04/2013 at 21:04

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The 3.4L pushrod they stopped making in 1995? Yes that was the absolute best V6 they ever made. Then they turned it into a turd with all the bad engineering designs the 3400 had. Mostly because of poor manufacturing and garbage gaskets that failed left and right. Then they did the dumb move in late 90's by using the DexCool that ate all the head gaskets.

But you are correct. the 60 degree V6 was fantastic and turned into a beautiful thing at theend. Sadly the could not design an injector that would no leak, so using ford injectors was always the best upgrade for a GM V6 that had MPFI

evilfacelessturtle (Hooning a Ford is Domestic Abuse) > timgray 10/04/2013 at 22:04

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Interesting. I have a Grand Am with the 3100 SFI V6, and it did develop a misfire that seems to have worked itself out somehow. One injector is so crammed into the back I wonder if it's ever been changed. It's slowly leaking coolant, which is common due to the nylon/silicone intake manifold gasket. But it's lasted 200k miles without any major issues. The window motors suck ass, but other than that it's a solid, surprisingly nimble little car.

jpnasto12 > For Sweden 10/04/2013 at 22:50

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I remember looking at a used grand am for a family friend. It had a terrible iron duke 4 cylinder engine that sounded worse than an old lawnmower and the auto trans had burnt fluid. I gave it a thumbs down. What a pos.

jitterz > Vintage1982Benz 10/05/2013 at 03:02

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Agree with the 4-cylinder vs. V6 argument. The 3800 V6 GM put in a lot of mid-size and larger vehicles was called the most reliable engine of its day. I had a '97 Pontiac Grand Prix that I put 200,000 miles on that never had an internal engine problem. In fact, other than fluids, filters and plugs I never touched it.

theonetruetom > Vintage1982Benz 10/05/2013 at 03:35

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Never apologize to a pedestrian Pontiac like a Grand Am. Fieros, Trans Ams, G8s... There were some great cars released with arrowhead badges. Don't lump the G8 or the 97-ish era Trans Am in with cheap-ass econoboxes like the Grand Am or the Grand Prix (that isn't the GXP).

chriswhotakesphotos > For Sweden 10/05/2013 at 09:39

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Pretty sure that's a Beamer, bro.

chriswhotakesphotos > For Sweden 10/05/2013 at 09:43

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A beautiful write-up. This is a somewhat unexpected way that cars can be inspiring, and I admire you for that. What will you drive next?

chriswhotakesphotos > Vintage1982Benz 10/05/2013 at 09:46

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The engine block?! Is that something that cracks easily?

Bubba Jones > For Sweden 10/05/2013 at 11:43

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So you bought an abused 17 year old car with god knows how many miles on it and you're complaining ??????? You'd probably complain about the quality of a blow job too !!!!

94GTratracer > For Sweden 10/05/2013 at 11:48

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It's stories like this that encourage me to write—cars have so many stories, and sometimes the worst ones actually inspire more interesting copy. Every time I get deep into discussion with a serious gear head I begin to tell the stitched-together tale of all the POS cars I've ever owned. Kudos on a good article, and I hope your fourth car is something you actually like, or at least possesses enough redeeming qualities to make it something more than an appliance.

JLGolden > For Sweden 10/05/2013 at 13:48

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I had a 1989 Grand Am Coupe, same sport red metallic as shown here...Quad 4, bought used with 36K on the odo. Good friend of mine totalled it and I replaced it with a 1990 coupe, 50K on the odo, visually identical, but with the raucous 2.5L Iron Duke. The Iron Duke GA got me through some wild college years, mostly reliably, other than a cooling fan motor and t-stat. Had a cracked exhaust pipe re-welded once. Still, cheap to run. Bad motor mounts created hellacious vibrations if idling in drive. Many memories made in this little car.

syrgrad91 > For Sweden 10/05/2013 at 14:33

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N-body GM cars were pretty awful, but there were a few gems out there. Here's legendary hot rod builder Rick Dobbertin's take on the Pontiac Grand Am. As I recall, it ran decent numbers on the track with the help of a NOS bottle in the trunk, and yes, it was still front wheel drive with a slushbox! What?

(my apologies for the crappy photo, it's all I could find)

syrgrad91 > syrgrad91 10/05/2013 at 20:03

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Of course I was a bigger fan of his earlier J2000. 1050CFM Holley carb connected to twin turbos which fed twin superchargers which then fed a NOS and alcohol injected small block Chevy, fully polished tube chassis and huge M/T tires stuffed between the rear fenders :)