by "Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
Published 12/15/2017 at 11:06
by "Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
Published 12/15/2017 at 11:06
Tags: Taketheoutsideline
; Satire
; Politics
STARS: 6
In the wake of Democratic Attorney Doug Jones’s surprising upset over maverick Republican Judge Roy Moore in Alabama this week, several pollsters have analyzed the data and come to a surprising conclusion: Bumper stickers are entirely responsible for the narrow gap of the mere 20,000 votes that separated the two men. While other factors like race, yard signs, household income, hearsay, education levels, and willingness to loosely paraphrase the Old Testament also played into voting trends, bumper stickers emerged as the single biggest factor.
“Mike” of the small mountain town of Fort Payne, Alabama, said that he originally wanted to vote for Moore — and even had a Moore sticker on his pickup truck’s tailgate. “At the end of the day, I really preferred that my truck stay unmolested,” he said, and ultimately abstained from voting.
Mike’s sentiment reflects a nationwide trend of voters using bumper stickers and facebook posts are their two main sources of election information. Since facebook has been under fire in recent years for questionably accurate news stories and unofficial paid placements masquerading as balanced political discourse, many users have grown weary of the site’s constant controversies over accuracy. That trend means bumper stickers are now the main source of political information for over 71% of Americans.
Although Alabama’s timing was due to a special election, November 2018 will see Senate election for 33 seats (of 100), as well as all 435 Representatives. That timing gives activists nearly 11 full months to design, print, and distribute what analysts expect to be a 400-million-sticker year. Websites like Zazzle and Cafepress have been working around the clock and have hired over 700 additional temporary workers to help cope with the upcoming workload.
Kelly Jackson of Mesa, Arizona, is the Director of the West Southwest PAC, a far-left activist group. Her “Flake Out” campaign has hinged on the space that will be vacated by controversial Republican Senator Jeff Flake upon his retirement next year. “The brevity of this campaign name lends itself very well to bumper sticker legibility,” she claims, “Which is not something I set out to do – it just fell into place.” She believe the two-word name will be the shortest liberal bumper sticker in national history, one that could even be read from a moving vehicle nearby. “While it’s great to get your entire message out,” she adds, “We can’t count on people sitting in traffic with 20/20 vision and 30 seconds to spare. We have to strike where we can.”
Another retiring Republican senator, Bob Corker of Tennessee, leaves a vacancy that many observers believe could be filled by a moderate Democrat, much like Doug Jones did in Alabama. Corker’s district of Southeast Tennessee has grown increasingly politically diverse in recent years, with Corker himself willing to butt heads with President Trump and the Republican establishment repeatedly throughout 2017.
However, rural areas outside of Chattanooga’s left-wing base disagree with this. Jim McEvers of the right-leaning anti-immigration Bags2PAC group insists that the region has seen too much labor displacement from immigration. “I don’t care if you came here from Mexico or New Jersey,” he insists. “You talk funny and you can’t have our textile, poultry, or car jobs!” One of the area’s largest employers, Volkswagen Group, agrees, saying in an official press release that “Volkswagen and its Board of Directors support a workforce of people with diverse heritage, including Dutch, French, and even Polish or Italian. We also love women, but not in the way that you read about in the news.”
The stance is a bold move for such a large, multinational employer, but one that resonates with many voters in the AL/GA/TN border region from which Volkswagen draws its workforce. The company has already considered making bumper stickers standard on all new 2018 Atlas and Passat models with the tagline “This Car Pulls Right,” a double entendre that the company insists does not relate to vehicle build quality.
"E90M3" (e90m3)
12/15/2017 at 11:26, STARS: 1
Volkwagen’s Chattanooga factory protects itself against discrimination claims by hiring blind assembly workers.
No, that’s Tesla. Only way to explain those panel gaps.
"For Sweden" (rallybeetle)
12/15/2017 at 11:27, STARS: 2
America is truly in decilne
"Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection" (itsalwayssteve)
12/15/2017 at 11:31, STARS: 5
In all seriousness, the people who drive the pictured vehicles must be tremendous fun to have at a party.
Also, the “I love my wife,” sticker kind of pisses me off. The assholes that scream their heads off about “virtue signaling,” seem to want extra credit for something that they’re supposed to do anyway. “I love my wife,” should be the default state in marriage. I love my wife. Every married guy I know loves his wife. We don’t always like the wives, but blah blah relationship marriage etc. Also, that Ranger is from before 2010 because it lacks the default Gadsden Flag and Molon Labe stickers.
"functionoverfashion" (functionoverfashion)
12/15/2017 at 11:31, STARS: 5
“... had a Moore sticker on his pickup truck’s tailgate. “At the end of the day, I really preferred that my truck stay unmolested,” he said
lol
"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
12/15/2017 at 11:34, STARS: 1
“I take CARE of my kids!”
—Chris Rock on...undesirables
"Spanfeller is a twat" (theaspiringengineer)
12/15/2017 at 11:36, STARS: 0
Those owners seem like reasonable people...
I would like to make those two cars park side by side in the same supermarket or something and see the owners fight to death.
Beerbellied old guy vs malnutritioned ecologist!
FIGHT!
"Bman76 (hates WS6 hoods, is on his phone and has 4 burners now)" (bman76-4)
12/15/2017 at 11:39, STARS: 0
Serious take tho... ban all bumper stickers.
"Future next gen S2000 owner" (future-next-gen-s2000-owner)
12/15/2017 at 11:50, STARS: 1
Every time our glorious leader, Ash78 feels so much depends on the weather , doesn’t have a blessed column on enlightenment shared to the FP, nay, the entirety of the interwebs, the world dies a little on the inside.
......Or I coming down off my high because weed is legal here and my employer doesn’t test for it.
Potato tomato
"Cash Rewards" (cashrewards)
12/15/2017 at 12:04, STARS: 5
I call complete bullshit on that first truck being from Alabama. There is not a single”roll tide” on there.
"Chariotoflove" (chariotoflove)
12/15/2017 at 13:02, STARS: 0
leaves a vacancy that many observers believe could be filled by a moderate Democrat, much like Doug Jones did in Alabama
Nice! Also:
grown weary of the site’s legitimacy.
I think you mean wary.
"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
12/15/2017 at 13:13, STARS: 1
Thanks — I did mean exhausted more than skeptical, but the wording was poor.
"awmaster10" (awmaster10)
12/15/2017 at 13:21, STARS: 0
Eagles stuff and a victory sticker? I can get on board with that! My buddy co-owns victory and I live(d) 5 minutes from the brewery in PA. But the stickers on the truck are hilarious, especially the “if you can read this” one
"awmaster10" (awmaster10)
12/15/2017 at 13:22, STARS: 0
Silence!
"winterlegacy, here 'till the end" (winterlegacy)
12/15/2017 at 14:27, STARS: 0
Sometimes you just have too many stickers.
Pick and choose what stickers you are going to put on your car and assume they’re going to be there forever.
Just because you peel them off doesn’t mean they’re gone.
