by "Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
Published 12/12/2017 at 11:28
by "Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
Published 12/12/2017 at 11:28
No Tags
STARS: 5
Here’s my neighborhood-Ford-GT before I get into this.
Hey guys (there’s a TLDR at the end, but here are my ramblings!). It’s been a long time since I’ve done one of these. But recent life changes have compelled me to do a post of this nature. In the past you all were exceedingly helpful in making sense of things. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years and it was a very trying and emotional time for me. I thought several times about posting about it as it was going on. But I think I would’ve just been a blubbering idiot. So now that the dust has settled and I’m a bit more emotionally stable about the whole thing, I thought I’d see what you guys think about my situation.
It’s been a few months since the last and final and real breakup. It was preceded by several bullshit we need space, we just need to take a little break type of conversations. We were living together and she got this desire to be on her own for a while. So I begrudgingly attempted to support it. But it just wasn’t working, so eventually we actually broke up more definitively. We still acknowledged there may be a possibility that we end up together at some point in the future, but right now she isn’t sure about at that. At the time I thought I was sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but I now also am not so sure. I’m not sure how I’d react if she wanted to come back.
So now I’ve decided to put myself out there again. I’ve been on a few dates. And there’s one person I’ve been on several dates with now and last weekend that became physical. And it has been both wonderful and scary. She’s a really awesome person and she’s a very different person from the aforementioned person. So that’s been fun and interesting as well.
I also know that I won’t spend the rest of my life with this particular person. It’s not likely at any rate. She’s indicated that she isn’t interested in marriage or kids. And while I don’t necessarily need to be married, I’d honestly be happy foregoing that, I’m interested in a lifelong monogamous bond with someone, but I wouldn’t need to be married for that, really that’s up to the person that would like to spend the rest of their life with me. But I do think I want kids.
So this is okay right? I can have fun with this right? I’ve been having a just wait and see where it goes attitude and a this is fun right now attitude. But in the back of my head I’m also like “I’m 30, shit I’m almost 31, and should I be finding someone whose life-goals more closely align with mine?”. I’m leaning towards: just go with the flow, enjoy life, see where it takes me, don’t worry too much! You have a job that pays well, a house, a car, a fun romance, life is good. What do you guys think, is this for now the correct approach?
This new romance is confusing all on its own, it’s new, i don’t know what’ll happen. But at least we’ve both acknowledged that this is new to us. But haven’t really discussed it much beyond that.
Thank you for reading and thank you for your thoughts. Whatever you have to offer, I’d love to hear it.
TLDR: Was in a 3 year relationship, now I am not, recently got into a new romantic, relatively undefined relationship at this early stage. She may not be the one forever, but she is fun and exciting right now. Is that okay? Because also I am 30 and I want kids, I think.
"nermal" (nermal)
12/12/2017 at 11:55, STARS: 1
Go for it, just stay safe, and make sure expectations are the same on both sides. Two friends with benefits are ok, two people that want a serious relationship are ok. One that wants an FWB and one that wants a serious relationship is gonna cause problems though.
"itschrome" (itschrome)
12/12/2017 at 11:56, STARS: 0
33 here and currently “enagaged”’ but thats rapidly not feeling like the case any more. We are in that state where she is all “I dunno what I want blah blah blah.” very much feels like the end. I’m about ready to be on my lone and just give up on the whole relationship thing. It’s rough right now, so I can relate to where you are at.
As for fun? yes you can have fun! Tons of fun, but if it’s not inline with what you want in the long term it may be best to put some sort of limitation on the fun. Like hit it and quit it or acknowledge it’s just fun and keep looking for the long term. when it comes about cut those ties cold. No need for things to get messy for the sake for the sake of fun.
"crowmolly" (crowmolly)
12/12/2017 at 11:59, STARS: 1
So this is okay right? I can have fun with this right?
Absolutely. You were in a 3 year relationship that ended. It’s perfectly fine to not get serious regardless of your age. IMO it may even be a good thing. You get to re-establish what YOUR wants and needs out of a partner will be.
I wouldn’t worry about societal or self-manufactured pressure. Enjoy yourself.
"Noah - Now with more boost." (antriebverliebt)
12/12/2017 at 12:08, STARS: 0
It’s been a few months since the last and final and real breakup. It was preceded by several bullshit we need space, we just need to take a little break type of conversations.
Ugh there are always those signs you ignore/push past. I wouldn’t stop hanging out with the new girl because you know she isn’t part of your long term plan. At the same time though I would make sure that both parties were cool with someone calling it off at any time because something serious was found.
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 12:13, STARS: 0
“I’m about ready to be on my lone and just give up on the whole relationship thing.”
I remember this stage. Then after that I went through a stage of OH MY GOD I CANNOT BE ON MY OWN. Then after that I came to terms with things and started dating again. We weren’t engaged, but I was close.
I’m neither attempting to encourage you or discourage you from breaking up, I’m here to say it’s hard to know what you want or need. But I hope you find out in the near future, because my shit dragged on for months and months and it was awful
“Tons of fun, but if it’s not inline with what you want in the long term it may be best to put some sort of limitation on the fun.”
Although she indicated that her long term might not be in line with my long term. She didn’t state it absolutely. I also haven’t really reacted to those statements with my thoughts. For now the relationship is undefined, it’s new and it’s fun. But I do agree with you, it can’t go on forever if our goals continue to be wildly different. And while I could keep dating and looking for someone different, I’ve kind of for now lost the will to put the effort into that, it takes so much damn energy to date and to get people to like you. Right now I’ve got something that we’ll see where it goes and sexually it’s been mind blowing thus far, so that’s fun.
"Grindintosecond" (Grindintosecond)
12/12/2017 at 12:16, STARS: 0
I didn’t get married until I was nearly 34. Second kid at 39. You’ve got plenty of time. As everyone will say, You’ll find someone when you least expect it.
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 12:18, STARS: 0
“One that wants an FWB and one that wants a serious relationship is gonna cause problems though.”
We’ll have to have this conversation at some point. I think we are both interested in more than FWB, I think I more-so need to temper my long-term expectations of this relationship. But I like her, and managing my expectations for now and I’ll see where the next few weeks or months take us. She didn’t state in absolute terms that she’d never get married or have kids, but right now that’s how she feels. Feelings can change, she said as much herself. I didn’t take that conversation too far, as I want to take things slowly and keep it relatively light for now.
"Chariotoflove" (chariotoflove)
12/12/2017 at 12:24, STARS: 2
Well if you were to forego fun but seemingly transient relationships to stay focused on the long-term hunt for a family, I think you would end up alone and in the same place in ten years. This is because relationships start with attraction, not with job interviews. I say go have fun and be happy. Be honest about your aspirations, if asked, because that’s part of a gal getting to know who you are. If a girl is not scared away by knowing that, that makes her a possibility, even if she didn’t come into the R thinking that direction.
Keep your heart and mind open and take it where it leads you. Do things out of joy, not desperation.
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 12:26, STARS: 0
Thanks! I feel as far as societal pressure goes, it’s so stupid! I live in an urban setting, but I work with all suburban, church going, family people with very traditional values. As is my family in the area. So to them it’s odd to take a different path. Thankfully my parents fall very much outside those norms, and that’s probably why I do too.
But I’m sure some of that leads to the self-manufactured pressure you mention.
"shop-teacher" (shop-teacher)
12/12/2017 at 12:29, STARS: 0
“but she is fun and exciting right now. Is that okay? Because also I am 30 and I want kids, I think.”
Yes, that’s OK. One of the big advantages to being a guy, is that we don’t really have a time limit on the age we can have kids. Have some fun, move on when you think it’s time to move on.
"ttyymmnn" (ttyymmnn)
12/12/2017 at 12:30, STARS: 2
Just let it ride and see where it goes.
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 12:30, STARS: 0
Yeah, it’ll be interesting to see how that conversation goes when it happens. Because I think she’s interested in more than just an FWB situation, but on the other hand I think for now the possibility to end things when it’s convenient is also attractive to her. We’ll see. Either one of our feelings can change to allow for less or for more. Right now I’m focusing on having fun with it, I think.
We’ve both acknowledged “wow I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a long time, this is exciting”, but also “I haven’t felt this way in a long time and this is all new to me”. So things are still developing. As they should be, we haven’t been seeing each other very long.
This also brings up the question of “what if my ex wants to try again”? This was the girl I was sure I wanted to marry. But now that I am where I am, I am not sure I’d take that offer and risk going through the same shit I’ve already been through. I suppose I won’t know the answer to unless I’m faced with the scenario. Much will likely depend on how it presents itself.
"itschrome" (itschrome)
12/12/2017 at 12:31, STARS: 0
all I took from that was that you are having sex.. man I miss sex... :( I think last time was September.. I want to have fun again. :( I’m tired of quiet nights where she just stares at her phone and I try desperately to get attention from her. to make matters worse there’s a girl at work I think is perfect and flirts with me constantly, she calls me her work boyfriend.. sigh.. thats not even an option so long as I’m with my “fiance” could never do that. but fuck it sucks.
"Textured Soy Protein" (texturedsoyprotein)
12/12/2017 at 12:32, STARS: 0
You’ve heard of a rebound relationship, right?
I broke up with my ex-gf when we lived together. I jumped back into the dating pool pretty quickly because it sucked to break up and I wanted some positive female attention after being in a relationship that had soured. I was very much having a rebound even though I didn’t quite classify it as that at the time.
Over the next couple years after that I went out with different people with varying degrees of seriousness (mostly not very serious) and some breaks where I was just like, I don’t want to bother with trying to date right now, I’m just going to relax and be single. After a couple years I ended up with my now-wife.
You don’t have to worry about planning your life with this person. Just enjoy it for what it is or isn’t but you’re probably having a rebound without quite realizing you’re having a rebound. That’s usually how rebounds work.
"Noah - Now with more boost." (antriebverliebt)
12/12/2017 at 12:34, STARS: 0
Ahhh ok things make more sense now. The ex thoughts take a long time to go away, you’ll lose interest as time goes by though. Slowly but steadily. I definitely wouldn’t risk marrying someone this has already happened with, you know?
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 12:35, STARS: 0
Yeah, I need to get into the mindset that 30 isn’t the deadline for some of the longterm things I’d like out of a committed relationship. While I can logically understand this, my feelings at times still need to catch up to this.
Shit, my dad was 35 when I was born.
Thanks for this. I’m slowly coming around to the fact that I can do whatever the fuck I want, even at 30. I just was so focused on the fact that I’d be marrying this woman, that I’m having to do an entire 180 and need to start living life for “me” not for “us”.
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 12:39, STARS: 1
Your username is so very apt for your post! And thanks for what you wrote! You are right, she is a possibility. And if I were to forego her in favor of the either the search of someone that fits my aspirations OR worse if I were to settle for someone that I don’t like as much, but at least the line up with my aspirations. That would be very bad.
Because I think that while having kids and a lifelong relationship are very important to me, you are very right that I won’t be happy if I settle into doing this with someone that isn’t right. Or if i forego a great thing in search of these aspirations. Right now this feels right and I’ll see how it goes.
I just need to be very careful to manage my expectations, given what I already know.
There’s been so many great responses, some of them worthy of carrying in my pocket, haha. I’m glad I posted this today. Oppo has always been amazing when it comes to discussing these tough subjects!
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 12:42, STARS: 1
Yeah, I’ve just considered the math and 30 isn’t so bad. I mean, I’m the product of ~35 year old parents. Someone else here mentioned they still had a kid at 39.
I can logically understand all this. But emotionally speaking, chatting about it with you guys is helping me to feel it. Thanks!
Another part of this is societal constructs. I need to get past that too and understand that I’m just not following the norm. But it doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong.
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 12:43, STARS: 1
Very concisely speaking this is exactly what I need to do. I’m trying to focus more on that and worrying less about where I thought I’d be at age 30. Or where society/family/coworkers think is should be.
"Chariotoflove" (chariotoflove)
12/12/2017 at 12:45, STARS: 0
Glad to help. An addendum: even if you’re single, there is the possibility of adoption. It would take commitment and enough money to be a single parent, but there are avenues.
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 12:54, STARS: 0
Haha, yes sex! I hadn’t had it in a while either. And it was fantastic sex too, this girl has been very fun so far in that respect.
“I’m tired of quiet nights where she just stares at her phone”
THIS SO FUCKING MUCH. It got so bad, it really was her looking at her phone for an hour every night. Instagram, so much instagram. But also facebook, snapchat, pinterest.
“I think last time was September”
Honestly, the “we need to make a big change, this isn’t working” conversation needs to happen. I don’t think any relationship that lacks sex for this long is healthy. Unless you are waiting for marriage, or you are a-sexual. I work with a guy and I think he and his wife have sex once or twice a month, but they are happy, so it’s cool. I also work with plenty of married people that aren’t having sex and they are unhappy as fuck.
One of the dating apps I’m on asks “is regular sex necessary for a good relationship” and I’ve never seen a girl answer no to this question, EVEN the ones that are saving themselves for marriage. Also, fascinatingly, almost none of them mind if you kiss them after going down on them. Yes, that’s also a question.
Anyway, I digress, a lot. I think you need to have that conversation though. I had that conversation, a LOT. But it ended up not coming to a point where the changes we were trying to make were actually helping, so now I’m here. You may end up here too, It sucks, but may need to happen.
“to make matters worse there’s a girl at work I think is perfect and flirts with me constantly, she calls me her work boyfriend”
Maybe this is a sign? A sign that your are seriously considering moving on. I don’t know anything about your current relationship. What’s your gut tell you? I don’t know if that’s a thing for you. I feel like deep down I knew I needed to break up. But it’s so hard to see when you are faced with it.
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 12:57, STARS: 0
Yeah, it could totally be a rebound and I’m open to that possibility. I’m slowly starting to understand again that there are other people out there and that the end of this relationship is not equal to me never being able to find someone again, because she was it for me.
"atfsgeoff" (atfsgeoff)
12/12/2017 at 12:59, STARS: 1
Don’t let society dictate what you want out of life.
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 13:00, STARS: 1
Yeah, that’s a risk for sure. It really could be that she needs some time on her own though. She’s 24, I’m 30, she had never really been alone, she went from living with college roommates to living with me.
But we’ll see. As I sort of said, it all depends on I suppose... The case she makes for herself and for us, if she ever feels like making it.
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 13:01, STARS: 0
Ha! True. It definitely crossed my mind to just be a single dad one way or another. But for now that’s the nuclear option.
"ttyymmnn" (ttyymmnn)
12/12/2017 at 13:03, STARS: 1
I worked for a long time to earn a doctorate, with the expectation that I was going to get a job teaching at a university. Then my wife and I would start our family. Well, that didn’t work out, so my wife continued to work, we started our family, and I became a stay-home dad. Life rarely works out as we (or others) planned. You just have to roll with the punches, see what hand life deals you, and then decide how to play your cards. Sometimes, the thing you least expect to happen is the best thing that ever happened in your life.
"Grindintosecond" (Grindintosecond)
12/12/2017 at 13:05, STARS: 0
Remember when you thought you had to have your shit together when you turned 22? Now at 30 you look back and realize how mentally insane we all were from 16-25? For me, looking at my 20's it was all about just getting somewhere in life and dreaming about things that I had no way in hell of affording to do . The thirties turned out to be just plain losing track of friends and meeting new people in life and understanding to chill the hell out/avoid drama people.
Soon, in your 30's, all the words your parents said through your life, about life, will flashback in your brain and you’ll think, “Oh man, they were kinda right about that.” Then you’ll run into younger ‘kids’ at work with their ‘ideals’ and ‘thoughts’ and discover what you grew up with is something they can’t relate to, and you’ll ask yourself, “Was I like that? Damn I need to apologize to my past managers.”
You’re gonna be fine man. Don’t chase the girl future, just enjoy their company. Enjoy your you and that’s when you’ll suddenly meet that awesome woman whose into trail running and travel and FJ’s and wears ball caps of either your favorite team or the bitter rival.
The living for you will include her as well at some point. Not now, but sometime later. So whoever you do wind up with will like that you enjoy what you do and accept that as part of who they are now just like you will for them. Mutual support of each others person. My wife still doesn’t know what she wants to do but she knows it’s career wise and it’s with me regardless. You’ll know what’s right.
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 13:11, STARS: 0
I’d love to be a stay at home dad. But aside from that, I hear what you are saying. thank you!
"vicali" (vicali)
12/12/2017 at 13:22, STARS: 1
You’re golden, relax.
Went through a very similar thing in my younger years.. Was very invested and set after a three year relationship, we were engaged for a year with no forward plans (that might have been a sign) - we agreed to giving each other space and each moved back in with our parents in different towns.
Six months later I ended up moving to a new job in a big city, met some new people including my Wife and lived happily ever after..
In conclusion;
Meet new people, enjoy meeting new people, fish in the sea, you’ll know when it’s right, etcetera, etcetera..
"ttyymmnn" (ttyymmnn)
12/12/2017 at 13:28, STARS: 0
Being a stay-home dad has its perks. Now that the kids are older, I have time to sit and write about airplanes. But the early days were pretty tough, especially when our twin boys were little. It could be hellish, and the only thing that made my days endurable was nap time, and I worked fiendishly to get them both asleep at the same time so I could decompress with a cigar and a crossword puzzle. It does make for a little strife, as my wife has worked from Day 1 to support the family, doing a job that she never planned for nor studied in college for. I know there remains a little resentment over that, but we always planned for one parent to stay home to keep the kids out of daycare. I was a latchkey kid, and we didn’t want ours to be. We are fortunate that she always made enough money, supplemented with my gigs, to make it work.
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 13:39, STARS: 0
Haha yep, I did some very stupid shit when I was in my 20's and I’ve totally had the moments of “my parents were kind right about that”. It’s hilarious, for how many years my parents had a thankless job (in the sense of kids acknowledging they are right a lot of the time), they must really love me, haha. It probably takes most kids till at least their late 20's to truly realize just how instrumental their parents were with all their life lessons that you thought were nonsense.
"Hammerdown" (hammerdown32)
12/12/2017 at 14:02, STARS: 0
I had been dating a girl for 3 years. She blindsided me and told me she needed a break. Put everything that was wrong with our relationship on my shoulders and told me to fix it. During that time she went on several dates and (I found out later) was having no issues becoming physically and emotionally attached to other guys. I broke it off with her for good, but then she wouldn’t let me move out of the apartment because she couldn’t afford it on her own and needed time to find a place. So I lived in the same apartment with her for 4 months while broken up. That was three years ago, when I was 25. So I feel like I can relate to you somewhat.
Once things were over, but while we were still living together I got on Tinder and starting meeting people. Hit it off with the first girl I met. Told her right away that I was going through a breakup and was pretty fucked up. She was in a similar situation. We just enjoyed each other’s company and had fun for 4 months before she moved away. Shortly after that I met my girlfriend, who is gorgeous and makes my life easier than it ever has been. The girl who moved away met her long term boyfriend, who treats her the way she deserves to be treated. I still text her from time to time to thank her for getting me back on my feet and ready for a relationship.
For me, just being around someone who cared for me was a huge help. I was able to realize that I had lots to offer someone. So, I say go for it. She may not be the right one, but if the right one comes along, you’ll be ready for them.
"shop-teacher" (shop-teacher)
12/12/2017 at 14:38, STARS: 0
The norm is changing a lot these days. It’s becoming very common to be a parent in the mid-late 30’s. Even the 40’s as a guy becoming a parent isn’t exactly weird anymore.
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 14:54, STARS: 1
Thanks for your story. It’s similar in a lot of ways. My ex barely had/has the means to move out, but thankfully she did. That sounds to tough to still be living with them, I know it would drive me absolutely bonkers. In all this I didn’t mention we bought a house together, it was sort of that or a ring type situation, we opted for the house first, since it came along and was exactly what we wanted. Thankfully everything is in my name, so it won’t be hard to divvy that up.
But yeah, I’m going to enjoy whatever this is I’ve got going on right now and I’ll see where it leads. It may lead to more of her, or I may end up with someone else.
I’m glad you met someone that makes you happy!
"Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs" (yowen)
12/12/2017 at 14:56, STARS: 0
Yeah and thankfully for a guy at 40 that’s still possible. For women in their late 30's that becomes much harder. Conveniently, lately I seem to attract women that are roughly 5 years younger than me. So math-wise I’m good. Haha.
"shop-teacher" (shop-teacher)
12/12/2017 at 15:11, STARS: 0
Exactly!