by "Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
Published 12/07/2017 at 11:19
by "Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
Published 12/07/2017 at 11:19
Tags: Taketheoutsideline
; Satire
; Finances
; Tom McParland
; Lexus
; Embiggen this
STARS: 36
For Sacramento’s Tina Newsome and her husband, Craig, the annual Lexus December to Remember Event has held a lot fond memories, along with some hard times. “Back in 2010, we had been married for less than a year when Craig came home late from work on December 23 rd . I was ready to chew him out for being so late — when I looked outside at our brand new Certified Pre-Owned 2007 Lexus IS250,” she remembers. “I knew right then we’d be happy forever.”
Craig cites Lexus’s annual sales push and TV advertising as a major driver in his decision. “You can only see those shiny cars with giant red bows for most of your life before it starts resonate with you,” he says. “So I left work a little early and traded in our 2005 Pontiac Grand Prix at the Lexus dealer. Even though I was upside-down on the car, they rolled it into the new loan over 84 months, so our payment was only $495 a month. That was less than our apartment!”
As the years wore on, however, the car lost some of its luster. With very little factory warranty remaining – and the inability to finance an extended warranty – the Newsomes had to face the realities of their decision: $1,000 sets of low-profile tires, $75 synthetic oil changes, and $150 detailing jobs every six months just to keep up appearances. And that didn’t include unexpected repairs.
By December 2012, just two years after their purchase, the Newsomes learned they were expecting a baby – twins, in fact. However, the IS250’s rear seats quickly became an adventure in contortionism as their twins’ rear-facing car seats just barely fit in the back seat. Even then, Craig says, he had to move the driver’s seat so far forward, he couldn’t take the car on long trips without intense lower back pain. “It was like living in a bunker,” he recounts. “I already couldn’t see much out the back of the car, but once we added those giant convex baby mirrors on the headrests, it was like being tailgated by two poop factories,” he quips with a smirk.
As Lexus kicked off their 2013 December to Remember event, Tina started asking Craig about considering a larger car, like a crossover. However, when they visited the Lexus dealer, they were informed that their negative equity on their current car was far too great to consider a trade. And when they visited Carmax to look at alternatives, Tina rejected everything she saw. “I don’t mean to sound classist, but once you get a Lexus,” she opines, “You just can’t bring yourself down to a lower level.”
Within six months, the couple was in marriage counseling and on the brink of divorce. They claim the stresses of parenthood in a compact sedan, along with the related financial strains it caused them, were major contributors to their strife. With both parents working and daycare expenses adding up quickly, they felt trapped under a mountain of debt and cash flow obligations. “I wasn’t going to be one of those Stay-at-Home Moms, no offense,” says Tina. “You know, driving the kids all over town in my Honda Pilot and sipping Starbucks Grande Lattés. I think I would just kill myself,” she continued between sips of a Peet’s large Latté while test driving an Acura MDX and daydreaming of a better future.
By the time of the 2015 December to Remember advertising season, things were beginning to stabilize for the Newsomes. They had successfully avoided a foreclosure on their first home, agreeing to a less punitive short sale with the bank. At the same time, Craig’s parents invited them all to live in the family’s finished basement to help them save some money and get back on their feet. “I hated to see them struggle,” Craig’s dad says, “Especially with young kids stuck in the back seat of a Lexus IS250. Nobody should have to face that as a parent.”
After two year of working to get their credit and savings back on track – including recruiting Craig’s parents to act as a full-time daycare service for the twins – the Newsomes were finally able to lease a 2012 Lexus RX350 last week in the 2017
December to Remember
promotion. “With our $5,000 down payment and our 600 credit scores, the salesman said it was the best way to get our payment under $500 again. All we have to do is drive under 7,500 miles a year, avoid body damage, then pay $4,000 when we’re done, and it’s on to the next big thing. I couldn’t be happier,” Tina says. “I know things have turned around for us now. What a blessing for the holidays. They even put a big red bow on the roof.”
"victor" (victor)
12/07/2017 at 11:37, STARS: 0
Is this a real story? Crazy nuts
"bob and john" (bobandjohn)
12/07/2017 at 11:38, STARS: 0
*looks at my poor little IS sitting outside*
"LongbowMkII" (longbowmkii)
12/07/2017 at 11:43, STARS: 1
This is beautiful. thank you
"functionoverfashion" (functionoverfashion)
12/07/2017 at 11:52, STARS: 5
Truth is stranger than fiction... but no. This is brilliant satire.
"XJDano" (xjdano)
12/07/2017 at 11:54, STARS: 5
Being married early in 2010 and having a child that year, nothing tests a marriage like children. And the people who think another child will fix anything is wrong.
Good story though. I’m sure there are a lot of Americans living this.
I bought a short sale house. The people I bought from ended up divorced, and later the woman turned to drugs and prostitution. But I got a great deal on a house they couldn’t afford any more. They paid 185k I paid 146k. It’s likely worth around 190-210K Thanks!
"Highlander-Datsuns are Forever" (jamesbowland)
12/07/2017 at 11:56, STARS: 2
I lived in Sacramento during this time period. Can confirm, the Newsom’s made some poor financial decisions. He regretted not going for the RX350 at the time but was not comfortable with the $475/month payment.
"functionoverfashion" (functionoverfashion)
12/07/2017 at 11:56, STARS: 0
This is fantastic. Much applause. Accolades. Cheers.
"Demon-Xanth knows how to operate a street." (demon-xanth)
12/07/2017 at 11:57, STARS: 1
Cars are status symbols to so many people they get caught in the trap. They worry more about what people will think of them than what they think of the car. Considering that it literally almost broke a marriage here, they need to look at that. Just get a ride and enjoy it.
"jonny11quest" (jonny11quest)
12/07/2017 at 12:01, STARS: 6
This is excellent writing.
“I don’t mean to sound classist, but once you get a Lexus,” she opines, “You just can’t bring yourself down to a lower level.”
This part made my skin crawl, and I literally had to readjust and recollect myself to continue reading. Well done!
"ITA97, now with more Jag @ opposite-lock.com" (ita97)
12/07/2017 at 12:18, STARS: 8
I just want to say thanks for writing these. I hope the onion makes you a job offer one of these days.
"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
12/07/2017 at 12:30, STARS: 2
Thanks, my pleasure. As an Onion print subscriber from 1998-2003, I have to give them a lot of credit for my warped sense of humor ;)
"Blunion05 drives a pink S2000 (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)" (6speedhaven)
12/07/2017 at 17:09, STARS: 1
fucking hell. my blood is boiling
"Roadster Man" (roadsterman)
12/07/2017 at 18:09, STARS: 2
Remember the ads they used to put in the print version? I will never forget the Michael Jackson Brand Anal Bleach..
"atfsgeoff" (atfsgeoff)
12/08/2017 at 03:13, STARS: 0
This is what the American Dream turns out to be. A consumerist nightmare.
"Rustholes-Are-Weight-Reduction" (rustholes-are-weight-reduction)
12/08/2017 at 05:41, STARS: 2
Man, you got me there. I wondered for way too long if that was a true story.
Sadly, it is plausible
"Arrivederci" (arrividerci)
12/08/2017 at 09:15, STARS: 0
Great story Ash!
"Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo" (thetomselleck)
12/08/2017 at 10:44, STARS: 3
Hah!
[Drives a white Lexus]
Ohhhhhh....
"Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo" (akioohtori)
12/08/2017 at 12:05, STARS: 1
It took me entirely too long to realize this was satire.
"Mose1700" (mose1700)
12/08/2017 at 13:45, STARS: 0
Title should have said here’s a story about a couple complete morons that think their car is more important than anything else in life
"G_Body_Man: Sponsored by the number 3" (gbodyman)
12/08/2017 at 14:00, STARS: 1
Are you actually Autoblopnik?
"Chariotoflove" (chariotoflove)
02/15/2018 at 15:49, STARS: 1
How has 60 Minutes not hired you yet?
"Chariotoflove" (chariotoflove)
02/15/2018 at 15:50, STARS: 0
Always read the tag line.
"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
02/15/2018 at 15:52, STARS: 4
I’m the morally safer choice!
"Chariotoflove" (chariotoflove)
02/15/2018 at 15:58, STARS: 1
Boo!
"His Stigness" (HisStigness)
02/15/2018 at 16:50, STARS: 1
I should go over the The Onion and see how many people there don’t realize they’re reading satire.
"His Stigness" (HisStigness)
02/15/2018 at 17:10, STARS: 1
So since I’m not busy at work I got to read this, and, all I can say is your a god send .
This was awesome. And it’s particularly funny because I’m sure more than a few couples can relate to this, which is sad.
I wonder how many people ask for a big red bow when they buy a car during Christmas.
"MotoArigato" (MotoArigato)
12/21/2018 at 12:50, STARS: 1
Hahaha, oh man it took me a minute but this part really made me realize what I was reading, “You know, driving the kids all over town in my Honda Pilot and sipping Starbucks Grande Lattés. I think I would just kill myself,” she continued between sips of a Peet’s large Latté while test driving an Acura MDX and daydreaming of a better future.”
Good stuff dude!