by "Scouting For Zen" (scouting-for-zen)
Published 11/15/2017 at 08:07
by "Scouting For Zen" (scouting-for-zen)
Published 11/15/2017 at 08:07
Tags: FLORIDA MAN
; OKLAHOMA MAN
; OKLAHOMA
; CHOKING THE CHICKEN
; THE DRIVE
; THE SMOKING GUN
STARS: 4
The escapades of Florida Man are well known to Jalopnik readers. From borrowing a sheriff’s cop car to harass an ex , to stealing a light-pole in broad daylight , it’s all in a day’s work for the Sunshine State’s champion of dumb-assery. If you listen close, you can even hear his battle cry, “Hold my beer and watch this!”
And just like Superman, Florida Man has an entire extended family of no-gooders. While the jury’s out concerning
Topeka’s CR-V Lady
, I have conclusive proof that Florida Man has a cousin. Meet
Oklahoma Man
, aka John Wayne Kellerman.
!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!
Roughly a month ago , Garfield County Sherrif’s deputy Darryl Beebe pulled over Kellerman while he was doing 57 mph in a 45-mph zone. After a “delayed response”, Kellerman pulled over, and Beebe approached. It quickly became clear to the officer that speeding wasn’t all that Kellerman was doing.
For one, the driver was clad only in a banana hammock and most of a container of Vaseline. Additionally, he was tremblin’ something fierce. The porno magazine next to him might’ve had something to do with that.
Deputy Beebe asked John Wayne if he had been, shall we say, howdy-ing the pilgrim. While Kellerman admitted that he had been circling the wagons, the fact that he then offered what was described in the report as a “semen rag” to wipe away the Vaseline from his ID spoke enough on its own.
But wait! The tribulations of Oklahoma Man aren’t over. Turns out, when Beebe ran the ID, that Kellerman hadn’t had a valid license since 1985. The reason? He’d been convicted and imprisoned for a number of crimes: car theft, burglary, narcotics possession, domestic assault, and escaping from the Big House. Yup, definitely a member of the Florida Man family.
Kellerman was subsequently arrested for speeding and driving with an expired license, though he has since been released on a $1000 bond. He once again roams the streets of Oklahoma, coming (and going) as he pleases. For he is, Oklahoma Man!
"pip bip - choose Corrour" (hhgttg69)
11/15/2017 at 08:17, STARS: 1
"Scouting For Zen" (scouting-for-zen)
11/15/2017 at 08:42, STARS: 0
My exact reaction when I saw this on
The Drive
. I decided to share the insanity.
"OPPOsaurus WRX" (opposaurus)
11/15/2017 at 08:59, STARS: 1
On the radio this morning they were saying that milking the snake is good to ease cold syptoms because it makes all your muscles contract, including those in your nose relieving pressure in your sinuses. They decided that the new code phrase for shaking hands with the monkey should now be ‘blowing your nose’.
Sally: Hey Bob, why have you been in the bathroom for half an hour?
Bob: Sally, I’m just trying to blow my nose. By the way Sally, What are you wearing today?
"functionoverfashion" (functionoverfashion)
11/15/2017 at 09:17, STARS: 0
Kids these days and their radio programs...
"Funktheduck" (funktheduck)
11/15/2017 at 09:52, STARS: 0
You can learn so much from NPR
"Urambo Tauro" (urambotauro)
11/15/2017 at 10:18, STARS: 1
He probably thought they’d let it slide, just this once.
"Meatcoma" (mastapoof)
11/15/2017 at 12:08, STARS: 1
I erected to comment on this against my better judgement.
"Scouting For Zen" (scouting-for-zen)
11/15/2017 at 13:22, STARS: 0
Be wel-come