by "Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
Published 11/09/2017 at 11:36
by "Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
Published 11/09/2017 at 11:36
Tags: Taketheoutsideline
; Satire
; Crossfit
STARS: 8
Independent car mechanic shops nationwide have recently expanded their training repertoire to include numerous non-vehicular disciplines. From studying military organizational skills to following self-help and motivational speakers, mechanics are “thinking outside the box” and finding new ways to streamline their operations and provide better customer service in the face of increased competition from large dealership service centers.
Among all their studies, however, one particular discipline has found more adherents than any other: Crossfit.
“We looked at customer retention rates, revenue per person, and longevity of business – what appeared at first to be an overpriced fitness fad has proven to last far longer than anyone expected. In fact, it’s still growing,” claims business coach Rick Frowning.
Mechanics naturally couldn’t adopt the exact methods of California fitness guru Greg Goldstein, but Goldstein nonetheless created a special $2,500 seminar tailored to car mechanics. Upon completion of the four-hour training session, mechanic shops would be allowed to use the CrossFix™ name on their building by paying just a $7,500 annual licensing fee.
“We know this certification will increase these mechanics’ modal domain capacitation by over 71% based on our estimates. By leveraging our numerous studies on kinesthetic automotive myofascial techniques, we know this approach will only result in success because of science reasons,” Goldstein was quoted as saying Wednesday. When asked whether he knew enough about vehicle operations to offer such advice, Goldstein simply replied, “The proof is in the paleo pudding. Conversation over.”
Some mechanics are skeptical of the new system, including seminar attendee Jim Cooper of Cooper & Sons Auto Docs in Hendersonville, North Carolina. “My daddy and granddaddy fixed cars for decades without any real problems. I know new cars are a lot fancier, but the fundamentals haven’t really changed. I don’t see why we should do this CrossFix stuff, but I’m willing to give it a shot for a few months.” (Editor’s Note: CrossFix fine print requires a minimum five-year commitment from any shop using its methods and name.)
CrossFix focuses on what they call the Five Tenets of Fixabilitation:
Cars all need the same thing, regardless of age, size, or problems
Oil should be non-synthetic and all-natural
All trips should result in full mechanical failure or be done as fast as possible in 20 minutes
Repairs must only be completed in batches ( 5:30 and 6:00am ; noon; and 5:30 and 6:00pm )
All shops and customers must post a minimum of three social media status updates per day
Jim Cooper’s shop is already starting to show signs of transformation, from using loud electronic music to featuring bright, inspirational graphics painted on the wall. Customer response has been generally positive, although many of them report an increase in problems with wear & tear on their ball joints.
“I’m not sure if this will be good in the long run, since I’m already losing longtime customers,” Mr. Cooper complained. “But I’m gaining a newer, younger crowd to make up for them. We even replaced the coffee in the customer waiting area with Kool-Aid. I’m not sure who’s going to drink that stuff, but I’m sure we’ll get used to it eventually.”
"AfromanGTO" (afromangto)
11/09/2017 at 12:21, STARS: 0
I still view crossfit as a fad workout like those stupid toe shoes. At least in 2010 they asked what needed to be fixed, and started to incorporate strength training. Now if they could do correct form, and not the stupid ass cross fit swinging and jerking form.
"RallyWrench" (rndlitebmw)
11/09/2017 at 12:50, STARS: 3
We will be vertically integrating this dynamic strategy across platforms with immediate effect. Disruption of the status quo, seeking new paradigms in technician holistic wellness. Too long we have relied on the tried and true 12oz curl and the proven yoga techniques of European car heater core repairs.
Seriously though, top-tier pro race teams have mechanic fitness programs, including NASCAR. Slinging tires, air guns, and jacks is a serious workout.
"RutRut" (RDR)
11/09/2017 at 12:54, STARS: 4
To be totally fair though, you can walk into any big box gym (Powerhouse, Lifetime, LA) and see people doing completely nonsensical unsafe movements on their own. So everyone should come to the dark side, powerlifting, where we will teach them to be as bloated as you can, move the bar the least distance to still be a legal lift, all while huffing ammonia and blasting Shinto Katana at possibly damaging levels.
"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
11/09/2017 at 13:03, STARS: 3
My toe shoes are just now wearing out after 7 years. Cured my shin splints and knee pain. Running a half marathon in them soon. So far I’ve only done up to 5k.
I never, ever wear them in public, though. Hideous.
"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
11/09/2017 at 13:04, STARS: 1
Used to do Crossfit. Flushing my VW heater core this afternoon. Your paradigm is salient to my interest base on a holistic level.
"crowmolly" (crowmolly)
11/09/2017 at 14:07, STARS: 1
It’s not a gut, it’s a strong core!
"RutRut" (RDR)
11/09/2017 at 15:23, STARS: 0
The Path to Rhodestown dictates that only the top two abs can be visible.
"crowmolly" (crowmolly)
11/09/2017 at 15:28, STARS: 1
Strangely enough, I’m cutting right now and the lack of carbs is fracturing my soul.
"RutRut" (RDR)
11/09/2017 at 15:45, STARS: 1
Gross. I’ve got a comp Saturday for a 60 second AMRAP of 2xBW deadlifts and I’m basically just bloating at this point for the fun of it. Beer and pizza for them leverages!
"AfromanGTO" (afromangto)
11/09/2017 at 15:54, STARS: 0
Huffing ammonia? What the hell?
You could have brought up rubbing buck piss on your muscles, or using rogane when you don’t need it. Which mlb banned if I remember correctly.
"AfromanGTO" (afromangto)
11/09/2017 at 15:55, STARS: 1
Don’t ever drop a 45 lb plate on your toes while wearing them at the gym. Do not google that image either.
"RutRut" (RDR)
11/09/2017 at 16:12, STARS: 0
Either in salt form out of a bottle, or breaking an ammonia cap open and sniffing it. Use it to get fired up, burns like hell.
Also, horse liniments on muscles are a wonderful thing. Mactarnahans Blue Heat is my jam. C’mon now, you can compete in a drug tested contest, but never drug free.
"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
11/09/2017 at 16:47, STARS: 0
I’m pretty cautious — I lifted barefoot in my basement for years before I got them :P
"AfromanGTO" (afromangto)
11/09/2017 at 17:09, STARS: 0
I have never heard of that. The closets thing remotely similar to using ammonia for anything is Florida water, but it was to cool you down when playing sports outside. You don’t drink it, but dip a towel or rag in it, and wipe yourself off when your hot.
I haven’t heard of mactarnahans blue either.
"AfromanGTO" (afromangto)
11/09/2017 at 17:10, STARS: 0
I like to squat barefoot when nobody is around, but I put my shoes back on. Too many idiots in gyms keep people from working out like they used to.
"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
11/09/2017 at 17:16, STARS: 0
I once hit 2xBW for three reps. It was glorious. I was 185, now I’m 210 and not in a good way.
As Bro Science Dom would say, I’ve been bulking since spring. 2010.
(Bro Science Life videos are excellent entertainment)
"RutRut" (RDR)
11/09/2017 at 19:36, STARS: 1
I’m gunning for 12-15 reps, bodyweight between 230-235
"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
11/09/2017 at 20:18, STARS: 0
Nice, pretty burly! I used to train 1.5x bodyweight for several sets of 5, but that wasn’t DL-specific training. Do you go sumo, traditional, or mix it up during your minute?
"RutRut" (RDR)
11/09/2017 at 20:40, STARS: 0
I pull conventional. PR is 595@225BW, but expect a 600+ before the end of the year. My wife is competing at 1.5xBw since her 1RM is right around 2x.
"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
11/09/2017 at 21:31, STARS: 0
Ever done Tabata intervals with DL? Look it up if you haven’t. A great way to build strength and endurance in a single interval set. I think you do them around 75% of 1RM. Hardest 4 minutes you’ll ever have
"RutRut" (RDR)
11/11/2017 at 21:10, STARS: 1
Ended up hitting 460x13 in 60 seconds at 227.7 BW.
"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
11/12/2017 at 09:05, STARS: 0
Impressive! Just curious, did you ever step back or reset hands, or is it more like touch & go for the whole minute? Do they dock you a rep for bouncing off the floor or is that expected?
"RutRut" (RDR)
11/12/2017 at 15:17, STARS: 1
I stayed on the bar the whole time. They allowed touch and go but I reset after each rep.
"Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo" (rustyvandura)
11/13/2017 at 11:58, STARS: 0
Whatta crock of shit.