by "Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
Published 10/04/2017 at 10:34
by "Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
Published 10/04/2017 at 10:34
Tags: Taketheoutsideline
; Satire
; Hyundai
STARS: 11
In the beginning, Hyundai’s offshoot luxury brand Genesis was sold under the parent company’s dealerships. However, as early as 2020 Genesis will have standalone dealerships to help differentiate it from the rest of Hyundai’s more traditional lineup.
This move is not welcomed by the Atheist and Skeptics Society, a group based in Northern California – in fact, they’re filing suit to prevent it.
President of the organization, Clara Epstein, claims the brand is a subtle way to push Judeo-Christian values into society by making it a part of everyday culture. “It’s no surprise this is from the South Koreans, one of the fastest-growing evangelical Christian nations on the planet.” Ms. Epstein also claims the South Korean government is helping to subsidize the company, which doesn’t allow competing products from North Korea to have a level economic playing field.
“This is a typical multinational bureaucratic capitalist fundamentalist tactic,” claims Ms. Epstein. “They cozy up to the US government while making the far more egalitarian North Koreans look like a nuclear threat.” Further, she claims, the fact that the US Government is involved in the regulation of the Genesis vehicles amounts to a violation of the Constitution’s Establishment Clause, which prevents the government from endorsing – or discriminating against — any particular religious beliefs.
While the Atheist group waits for its day in court, they are also leading crowdfunding efforts for the world’s first Wicca-owned electric car manufacturer, Whisker. Company Founder and Level 3 Warlock Enrique Whisker says that his company will leverage millennia of cat worship to convey an aura of success and power to its owners. In order to make the vehicle accessible to the mass market, however, he will price it under $20,000, which many critics say will be financially unsustainable.
Evolutionary scientists have also weighed in, claiming the Genesis is simply a logical progression from the German luxury cars of the 1970s and their Japanese successors. “Over long periods of time, customer preferences slowly eliminate less desirable traits, such as pneumatic door locks, in favor of more desirable ones, such as 100,000-mile powertrain warranties,” explains Stanford University’s Dr. Alex Sung. “It’s often imperceptible to the human concept of time, where cars are replaced every two or three years. You have to take a longer view over several decades and millions of vehicles before the patterns emerge.”
Dr. Sung clarified that he was not trying to invalidate anyone’s belief that Hyundai developed the Genesis from a clean slate, simply that it could not be proven using scientific methods.
Opponents of this viewpoint, such as Bill Muir, curator of Kentucky’s Mitsubishi Evolution Museum , dispute this viewpoint. “Explain to me how 1970s Mercedes cars and 1990s Lexus cars still coexist on roads today. And how did those German cars even reach Japan in the first place? There are too many unanswered questions here.”
Ash78 always worries about the convergence of chimpanzees and autonomous cars.
Recent archive:
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"Party-vi" (party-vi)
10/04/2017 at 10:44, STARS: 6
yeah imma needa share of this to Jalopnik.
"Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer" (smallbear94)
10/04/2017 at 10:45, STARS: 6
It’s says a lot about the world today that I had to check the tags to be sure this was a joke...
"Stapleface" (patrickgruden)
10/04/2017 at 10:45, STARS: 0
Well, then they’d probably REALLY hate this.
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"not for canada - australian in disguise" (for-canada)
10/04/2017 at 10:47, STARS: 4
wtf i hate hyundai and sega and peter gabriel/phil collins now?
"Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras" (jegoingout)
10/04/2017 at 10:47, STARS: 0
One ticket to Mars pls
"random001" (random001)
10/04/2017 at 10:48, STARS: 0
I laughed. Heartily.
"If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent" (essextee)
10/04/2017 at 11:01, STARS: 0
Autoblopnik lives on
"Demon-Xanth knows how to operate a street." (demon-xanth)
10/04/2017 at 11:02, STARS: 3
Is it a sad thing that given all the recent news, I wasn’t sure at first if this was a joke?
"TomServo (Resides on the Satellite of Love)" (mk7silkblue)
10/04/2017 at 11:29, STARS: 1
The onion needs to recruit you.
"TheRevanchist" (therevanchist)
10/04/2017 at 11:34, STARS: 1
And the project that brought Spock back to life.
"CaptDale - is secretly British" (captdale)
10/04/2017 at 11:50, STARS: 0
Wow, this is literally the most ridiculous thing I have ever read and I was so in need of a good laugh this morning.
"TomServo (Resides on the Satellite of Love)" (mk7silkblue)
10/04/2017 at 13:16, STARS: 0
John Krewson went from being the Onion’s sports editor to Jalopnik, then R&T. Plus there are definitely a few gear heads working at the onion, you should go for it.
"Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo" (akioohtori)
10/04/2017 at 14:30, STARS: 0
I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S REAL ANYMORE!
(You write good... uhh whatever this is. Oppo. This is good Oppo.)