by "Pearson Hurst" (phurst)
Published 09/21/2017 at 17:37
by "Pearson Hurst" (phurst)
Published 09/21/2017 at 17:37
No Tags
STARS: 7
!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!
Eventually the ad will come down, so text cap below.
Up for sale is a 1992, or possibly 1993 Honda Pacific Coast 800. I
honestly never cared to know what year it was - this bike only gets
better looking with age. What I do know is that every time I pass your
girlfriend on this, she gives me the same look of arousal that can only
be compared to the look my junior year homecoming date gave me after I
shotgunned an unhealthy amount of Keystone Light in a Walmart parking
lot.
First off, this sex machine was built to party. Don’t let the smooth
curves fool you, she can easily fit two cases of beer (plus ice) in the
trunk. If getting fucked up in public parks before noon isn’t your
thing, you can “probably” fit about 14 pounds of weed in the trunk. Way
more if you vacuum seal it. This is a total guess though. The trunk
locks up tighter than your jealous girlfriend after noticing a text
message from a female coworker you once called “cute”. I’M TALKING ABOUT
YOU KOURTNEY. IT’S CALLED HAVING FRIENDS AND IS TOTALLY NORMAL. What
I’m trying to say is that the trunk is awesome and will make everyone
jealous. You could put a baby or some groceries in it if you needed.
Plus if you “accidentally” drive through a river everything will stay
dry, or so I’ve heard.
This bike was marketed to middle aged, middle class white guys (my dad
LOVES this bike), so you rarely see them on the road. If socializing
with my miserable coworkers has taught me anything, it’s that middle
class white guys rarely do anything except work a thousand hours a week
because “It’s up to us to keep society together, as the millennials
today are lazy pieces of shit and do nothing but cause a drain on the
economy, always whining for things like basic healthcare and salaries
that will allow them to one day possibly move out of an apartment and
into a glorified crackhouse”. Lucky for us, them working all of those
hours means they don’t go outside with their motorcycles to fuck up
traffic on I-35 any worse than it already is with their complete lack of
self-awareness, because using common courtesy on the road would be way
too much of an inconvenience. With that being said, this bike only has
19K miles, which is low as shit.
I bought this bike in March 2016 with the sole purpose of riding to the
white trash mecca known as Daytona Beach, FL. I made the trip in May of
that year, slept on picnic tables (not by choice), and somehow managed
to not get pulled over despite ignoring 100% of the posted speed limits
throughout the tri-state area. Before leaving on that magical journey,
which was sponsored by those gold cans of 32oz Miller High Life and gas
station taquitos, nearly every consumable on the bike had been replaced
at 16K miles - oil and filter, brake pads, tires, battery, air filter,
coolant, etc. I simplified the fuel system, modifying a few pieces that
notoriously fail and leave you stranded, forcing you to give HJ’s to a
trucker named Carl for a ride to the next town over (or maybe I’m just
bad at negotiating). I installed an insanely bright LED headlight
because the factory one is shit, and wired up a handful of pigtails to
run a GPS or charger for your wife’s Hitachi magic wand. She says it’s
for her back, but we both know it’s because you’re too scared to use any
amount of creativity in the bedroom despite knowing she’s moments away
from leaving you for your best friend. I figured I would encounter Paul
Blart at some point, so I put in a set of hidden switches to cut out the
headlight and tail light. Use at your own discretion, as my friend who
is a divorce attorney said it could “possibly be illegal”. Whatever that
means - I don’t trust lawyers and neither should you.
You may be asking yourself, “But why would you possibly want to sell
such a luxurious machine”? I’ve just got too many damn bikes. I tried
putting it in my apartment, but this big girl doesn’t climb stairs for
shit, and it would just give my sketchy neighbors another reason to
break in. She currently lives at my deceptively attractive old boss’s
house (old as in previous, not as in chronologically advanced - these
details matter), and I know she can only handle so much visual
excitement outside of her kitchen window every morning. Plus I’ve got
two other bikes there and need to stay in her good graces. It’s only a
matter of time before I’ll have to sell a fucking kidney to pay storage
fees, as occasional grass cutting isn’t nearly enough.
If you buy this bike, you’re basically taking over my position as the
Christopher Columbus of PC800's. Whatever you decide to do, I guarantee
it hasn’t been done on these bikes before. Burnouts? Top speed runs?
Google that shit, and you’ll be met with “Why would I possibly want to
go over the speed limit” and “Burnouts are unsafe”. It’s like being the
coolest kid in the Chess Club - it takes practically zero effort. I once
rode this thing through the woods of Florida, and can promise you it’s
never been done on these bikes before. You’re essentially writing the
history books with this machine. From what I can remember, this bike has
been ridden inside of at least two houses, one bar, and one gas station
- so you’ll have to get way more creative than me. Use your imagination
- I believe in you. If you’re the lucky man (or woman, I’m as
progressive as everyone else) who buys this from me, and you send me a
picture of yourself jumping the bike at least 8" off the ground or
somehow doing a wheelie (no passengers allowed), I’ll personally buy you
a dinner for up to $100. Or we can just go to the strip club and blow
it there. I’m down for both options.
I’m asking $3K for this piece of perfection. It’s got ultra-low mileage
and is in surprisingly good shape for the age. There are some minor
blemishes on the bike from the previous owner (that’s what they all
say). I’ll toss in a bike cover, a manual, the shitty original
headlight, a spare ICON helmet that I never wore (safety is for nerds),
and whatever extra stuff I’ve got from the bike laying around. Do some
research on these bikes - they’re the epitome of over engineering.
Hydraulic lifters, hydraulic clutch, shaft drive, and a double insulated
engine (this thing is stealth as fuck). If it was just a little bit
faster, it would seriously be the best bike ever made. It’s even got
hidden crash bars underneath the fairings... FROM THE FACTORY. They are
basically EXPECTING you to go hard as fuck on this thing and wreck it on
a baseball field or at your upcoming family reunion. The bike comes
with two keys for when you get drunk and lose one, a perpetually half
tank of fuel, a clear Louisiana title in my name.
Buy this bike, change your life.
"For Sweden" (rallybeetle)
09/21/2017 at 17:43, STARS: 1
Memebait aside, are these good bikes?
"Chariotoflove" (chariotoflove)
09/21/2017 at 17:56, STARS: 2
honeybunchesofgoats, is that you?
I wanna buy this just to reward the guy for his writing.
"Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero" (sampsonite24)
09/21/2017 at 17:56, STARS: 1
That was the best thing I’ve ever read. And I’ve read the declaration of independence start to finish.
"ttyymmnn" (ttyymmnn)
09/21/2017 at 17:58, STARS: 2
The bike will be sold by the time I finish reading the ad.
"pip bip - choose Corrour" (hhgttg69)
09/21/2017 at 18:00, STARS: 0
Well written ad I must say
"Pearson Hurst" (phurst)
09/21/2017 at 18:03, STARS: 0
Hell if I know. I didn’t even know that model existed. 14 pounds of weed in the trunk is tempting though...
"Highlander-Datsuns are Forever" (jamesbowland)
09/21/2017 at 18:07, STARS: 0
This is great stuff. This is totally true.
This bike was marketed to middle aged, middle class white guys (my dad LOVES this bike), so you rarely see them on the road. If socializing with my miserable coworkers has taught me anything, it’s that middle class white guys rarely do anything except work a thousand hours a week because “It’s up to us to keep society together, as the millennials today are lazy pieces of shit and do nothing but cause a drain on the economy, always whining for things like basic healthcare and salaries that will allow them to one day possibly move out of an apartment and into a glorified crackhouse”. Lucky for us, them working all of those hours means they don’t go outside with their motorcycles to fuck up traffic on I-35 any worse than it already is with their complete lack of self-awareness, because using common courtesy on the road would be way too much of an inconvenience. With that being said, this bike only has 19K miles, which is low as shit.
"Chariotoflove" (chariotoflove)
09/21/2017 at 18:07, STARS: 2
Aaaaalmost as long as, oh I dunno, a “This Day In Aviation History” post.
"ttyymmnn" (ttyymmnn)
09/21/2017 at 18:09, STARS: 2
Hey! I resemble that remark.
"JasonStern911" (JasonStern911)
09/21/2017 at 18:21, STARS: 0
Arguably the world’s greatest scooter.
"JasonStern911" (JasonStern911)
09/21/2017 at 18:23, STARS: 0
Great read, but crack pipe. It’s still a 25 year old carbureted Honda. $3k puts you near or into VFR800 territory.
"For Sweden" (rallybeetle)
09/21/2017 at 18:24, STARS: 0
I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing
"Pearson Hurst" (phurst)
09/21/2017 at 18:39, STARS: 0
Hey, there’s nothing wrong with old carbureted Hondas. I daily a 43 year old one. Of course I didn’t pay $3k for it, either :)