Useful Phrases If You're Stuck In French Canada

by "Stef Schrader" (stefschrader)
Published 08/06/2017 at 12:13

Tags: World Rallycross ; Postings Of The Excrements ; Google Translate ; Advice ; Canada ; French ; Québec
STARS: 7

I am not Canadian. I don’t speak French. I did, however, get smoked meat on poutine once and it was goooooood. If you are a person stuck in French Canada who doesn’t speak the language beyond “le hoon” and “double double,” I waited too long to wash Puffalumps and am stuck up late, so here.

Translations are courtesy of the great fountain of accurate linguistic knowledge known as Google Translate, save for a handful of things I actually know.

J’ai un morceau de Timbit logé dans mon nez. Peux-tu aider? :
I have a chunk of Timbit lodged in my nose. Can you please help?

Wawa est meilleur que Sheetz. : Wawa is better than Sheetz.

Parfois, je sort de ma bouche. : Sometimes I fart out of my mouth.

Je suis le roi du Grand Commonwealth de Ces Noix, une fédération amicale de la douzième dimension. Puis-je avoir une spatule pour gifler? :
I am the king of the Greater Commonwealth of Deez Nuts, a friendly federation from the twelfth dimension. May I have a spatula for slapping?

No comprendo omelette du fromage : I don’t understand cheese omelette. [***WARNING: This is technically Spang-ench.]

Enregistrez les salles de bains roses! : Save the pink bathrooms!

J’avais l’habitude de regarder ce segment sur All That où Kenan a pris un bain avec un ducky en caoutchouc et a dit beaucoup de bêtises en français. C’était cool. : I used to watch this one segment on All That where Kenan took a bath with a rubber ducky and said a lot of nonsense in French. It was cool.

Stef aurait dû faire cette liste avant le World Rallycross a fait le hooning, cependant, elle a des raisons. : Stef should have made this list before the World Rallycross did the hooning, however, she has reasons.

Ce n’est pas une salle de bain. Quittez vous faire pipi sur ma chaussure. :
That is not a bathroom. Please quit peeing on my shoe.

Degrassi ne sera jamais à moitié aussi bien que Saved By The Bell. : Degrassi will never be half as good as Saved By The Bell .

Mais cela me donnera-t-il des furoncles? : But will this give me boils?

Ajouter la viande à la poutine et la mettre dans la bouche. :
Please add the meat to the poutine, and put it in my mouth.

Où est mon petit-déjeuner scotch? : Where is my breakfast scotch?

Pouvez-vous mettre notre président en prison au Canada pour être méchant? : Can you put our president in Canadian jail for being impolite?

Hier, j’ai fait des hallucinations sur le fromage de chèvre. : Yesterday, I hallucinated about goat cheese.

Est-ce que ce pays reçoit toujours la sauce Mulan ? : Does this country still get the Mulan sauce?

Le dinosaure est intelligent. : The dinosaur is the smart one.

The Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight Regency Brougham était la plus grande voiture jamais réalisée. : The Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight Regency Brougham was the greatest car ever made.

Avez-vous un Volkswagen 411 que je peux marcher vers Mars? : Do you have a Volkswagen 411 that I can jump to Mars?

Est-ce une Queue de Castor dans votre pantalons ou êtes-vous vraiment excité pour les pâtisseries? : Is that a BeaverTail in your pants or are you really that excited about pastries?

Stef s’est endormi en faisant cette liste parce qu’elle était trop tardée pour laver Puffalumps. : Stef fell asleep making this list because she was up too late washing Puffalumps.

Las cucarachas entran, pero no pueden salir. : The cockroaches enter, but they cannot leave. [***WARNING: Also Spanish.]  

Le lapin de pamplemousse : Fluffy Bunny, Eater of Souls

Si je ne reçois pas de café ce matin, je vais manger la voiture de Sébastien Loeb. : If I don’t get coffee this morning, I am going to eat Sébastien Loeb’s car.

Puis-je hacher votre Suzuki Cappuccino? : Can I please hoon your Suzuki Cappuccino?

If you need to talk more than that, you’re probably talking too much. I don’t recommend talking. I primarily communicate via points and grunts. Enjoy!

Replies (17)

"RPM esq." (rpm3)
08/06/2017 at 12:20, STARS: 0

I don’t have any French tips to add, I’m just thinking about poutine now. And that there’s a place in Seattle that serves poutine with foie gras on it. This dish is unquestionably the heaviest foodstuff I have ever eaten.

"Dusty Ventures" (dustyventures)
08/06/2017 at 12:20, STARS: 3

I’ve been getting by with just “Désolé, mon français est très mauvais.”

"Stef Schrader" (stefschrader)
08/06/2017 at 12:21, STARS: 1

An alternate translation:

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

"Stef Schrader" (stefschrader)
08/06/2017 at 12:21, STARS: 1

Oh my gosh, I love poutine.

"gogmorgo - rowing gears in a Grand Cherokee" (gogmorgo)
08/06/2017 at 12:28, STARS: 0

This made me laugh so many times. Your French is perfect. ;)

"The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock" (jukesjukesjukes)
08/06/2017 at 12:35, STARS: 0

You know more French then me.

"CB" (jrcb)
08/06/2017 at 12:37, STARS: 1

Any time I’ve been to Quebec, I’ve tried to speak French to start, but they very quickly switch to English. My French isn’t great.

"Wacko" (wacko--)
08/06/2017 at 12:40, STARS: 0

Is google translate really that bad?

And what brings you to our belle Province?

"interstate366, now In The Industry" (interstate366)
08/06/2017 at 12:46, STARS: 1

Sheetz est meilleur que Wawa.

"unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins)" (unclevanos)
08/06/2017 at 13:17, STARS: 0

Verbot Sheetz

"Dusty Ventures" (dustyventures)
08/06/2017 at 13:31, STARS: 2

She isn’t in Quebec, I am. We’ve been texting about how I’m to get around the language barrier, so she made the post as a joke. Fortunately so far everyone I’ve met here has a better handle on two languages than many of my fellow Americans have on one.

"Wacko" (wacko--)
08/06/2017 at 15:10, STARS: 3

All depends on where you go in quebec. Rural quebec is generally 90 % french only

But if you go to montreal, quebec city and other major cities english is very common.

I am one of the lucky québécois whose father is english and went to english school here and my mother french. So i was permitted to go to english school. Since i went to english school here i can send my kids to english school too. So far i speak to my kids in english only, and my wife speaks to them in french.

"Cé hé sin" (michael-m-mouse)
08/06/2017 at 15:14, STARS: 1

Google’s French is certainly...er....eccentric.

The only words you need are:

Oui

Non

Merde

Just use these in rotation.

The only whole sentence one needs is:

Je peux coucher avec toi, ce soir?

" The Compromiser" (charger)
08/06/2017 at 15:35, STARS: 1

The best phrase in eastern Quebec is, “ Je suis desole, mai, je ne parles francaise. Je parle anglais seulement.

And order at McDs, so you can use the automated ordering system and avoid speaking.

"Stef Schrader" (stefschrader)
08/07/2017 at 02:52, STARS: 0

Neinnnnnnnnnn

"Stef Schrader" (stefschrader)
08/07/2017 at 02:54, STARS: 0

The Googles. The Googles know. (Unless you try to translate poop jokes into Finnish. They don’t seem to know that.)

"Stef Schrader" (stefschrader)
08/07/2017 at 02:57, STARS: 1

Like many Google things, the intent is noble, but the implementation is confusing.

I’m stuck in Texas. Please put your butt on the cars, as Fluffy isn’t there, either. :(