by "Captain of the Enterprise" (justanotherdayinparadise)
Published 06/21/2017 at 18:27
by "Captain of the Enterprise" (justanotherdayinparadise)
Published 06/21/2017 at 18:27
Tags: Support
STARS: 1
This one involves my dad who is passing a kidney stone but is going anyway.
This weekend I’m driving my sister to Colorado State University so that she can start Grad School. I’m going with my brother, sister and father. My brother and sister are going in her car and I will be stuck with my dad in his truck. We live about a half our South of Detroit in the state of Michigan. This will be a 19 hour drive each way. The original plan was that we would drive out there in two cars and then my sister would stay there with her car, my brother and I would fly back and my dad would drive back alone. So me and my brother bought plane tickets so that we could be back at work.
Then about a week ago my dad had to be taken to the emergency room. After waiting with him for several hours with him being in intense pain and going through tests they tell us that he’s passing a kidney stone. They give him some meds (dilator medication, painkillers and anti-inflammatory stuff) and a strainer so that he can catch the stone and know when he has passed it. My dad is an idiot, he is stubborn and we don’t have a good history because he has been abusive towards me throughout my life. But he loves my sister and brother and I think he wants to be there for my sister when she moves to Colorado. But what does he do?
He refuses to take his medication and refuses to use the strainer. He brags about how he isn’t taking his painkillers or anti-inflammatory drugs. I keep checking on him and telling him to take his medication and use the strainer but as always my thoughts are valued somewhere below a pile of dog poop so this is ignored completely.
Fast forward to this week and no one knows what the plan is for whose going on the trip. My sister has to go no matter what, my brother is going no matter what, my dad is holding out hope that he will be fine an because of my dad’s indecision there are 6 possible outcomes I see for myself:
1. My Dad has a miracle where he passes the stone and is fine and we continue with the original plan
2. My Dad doesn’t go and we cram everything into my sisters car and just she and my brother go, I miss the trip and eat my plane ticket
3. My Dad doesn’t go and we cram three people and all of her stuff into her Kia Soul and I fly back with my brother.
4. My Dad doesn’t go and I drive the truck there and back solo and I eat the cost of my plane ticket
5. My Dad is an idiot and decides to go anyway, I save myself and let him drive back on his own
6. My Dad is an idiot goes anyway and I go both ways with him, eat the plane ticket and lose money because I can’t work the extra days.
At this point in the game I have offered to go and drive back solo. I am immediately yelled at and told that my idea is by my sister. My dad doesn’t like the idea but is planning on getting the truck ready anyway.
It’s also finals week for my summer class and I have a LOT of work to get done so I listen to my therapist and ignore the entire trip and it’s responsibilities for a couple days. At this point me and my therapist have agreed the best option is me driving there and back solo and my Dad staying home. My dad seems to be feeling a little better and has started to leave the house despite not having passed it yet.
I broke this afternoon and asked because I’m stressing about it anyway. He responds with “I’m going”
I respond: “so you passed your stone?”
He responds: “I don’t think so but maybe it dissolved on it’s own”
I wait silently carefully contemplating what I do next.
He continues “theres nothing to worry about if it passed it will be no big deal and we’ll be on our way”
I respond: “You don’t know that, it’s not a little thing to pass a stone”
He responds: “It will be fine there’s nothing to worry about but are you going to be driving back with me or flying back?”
I respond: “I don’t think I have a choice if you go because you can’t go on your own because you could start to pass the stone”
He responds: “There’s really no need for you to base your plan on that, I know you worry about it but you shouldn’t”
I respond: “I’ll have to think about it” and walk away.
It’s worth mentioning that on numerous occasions I have to be the parent in our relationship. I have to tell him it’s okay to do certain things like by a Christmas tree, I have to try to tell him not to do certain things for his health, I have to bring up that the dog needs to be put down because it’s too sick. I have to walk on eggshells to protect his fragile ego and I have to try to take care of myself and my siblings when he blows up on them.
But this is fucking ridiculous. I have to be a nurse for a five day trip to Colorado, I’ll have to take care of him and try to get him to take his meds, if he starts to pass it I’ll have to find somewhere for him to recover, I’ll have to try to figure out the insurance if we have to take him to a hospital. This isn’t a vacation this will be work. I’ll be stressed and on edge the entire trip and it’s because he won’t think it through and be the adult. Instead of realizing that now the entire trip will be about him instead of helping my sister he thinks everything will be magically fine. My sister likes the idea so she won’t tell him know. My brother thinks it will be fine, my stepmom is unconcerned and on his side even though she didn’t want him to drive back alone even when he didn’t have a kidney stone.
As usual at 22 I’m the lone voice of reason and because I’m the responsible scapegoat in the family. No one gives a shit about what I think or how this will affect me on the trip. I’m out a plane ticket and two extra days of my life because I have to take care of a 56 year old man who abuses me and refuses to help me out with my problems but expects me to fix all of his. Will he even straight up ask me to help, no. I have to do it without being asked so that it’s my fault for going. Will he cover any of my expenses? No.
I should have asked tomorrow when my class is over. Now I have to try to ignore this and focus on my project which I have to present on tomorrow. I’m already battling a depression relapse at the moment and now this is piling on and adding to my depression and anxiety.
Short version: My dad is passing a kidney stone but has decided he is going on our trip anyway. Now I have to eat my plane ticket and drive back with him and be a nurse for 5 days instead of having a vacation.
Maybe this should have gone to the cigar lounge instead of Oppo, please let me know if I should just move it and if you have any support or advice I would appreciate it.
"Chariotoflove" (chariotoflove)
06/21/2017 at 18:36, STARS: 2
I hope your dad knows he’s in the wrong the way he’s doing this, because otherwise he’d be passing in the right, and we all know that’s a hanging offense.
I’m truly sorry for your predicament, and that all I had to offer you was this lame effort to cheer you up.
"Captain of the Enterprise" (justanotherdayinparadise)
06/21/2017 at 18:44, STARS: 1
Thanks, I appreciate it.
"Ssfancyfresh" (scotttt)
06/21/2017 at 18:52, STARS: 2
I think you need to do you. These people (your family) don’t seem to pay much mind to you or themselves. Stand up and do what’s best for you. If that’s fly, then fly. If that’s drive, then drive. If that’s stay home, stay home.
You pick the path that is right by you, that’s the right path
"Textured Soy Protein" (texturedsoyprotein)
06/21/2017 at 19:04, STARS: 0
Pro tip: when skirting around Chicago, stop at the Portillo’s in Naperville. You’ll thank me later.
"Captain of the Enterprise" (justanotherdayinparadise)
06/21/2017 at 19:06, STARS: 0
I don’t think I can just let him go and drive home on his own. If I could shut off the responsible and guilty part of my brain I would probably just not go or fly home.
I would feel bad if anything happened because I would feel like I should have been there. I’m worried if I don’t go something will happen and I’ll have to drive out and get him anyway wherever he had to stop somewhere or he started passing it while driving and passes out or gets in an accident.
"Captain of the Enterprise" (justanotherdayinparadise)
06/21/2017 at 19:07, STARS: 0
Thanks, we’ll see if that works out on the trip.
"FoilyDoily" (foilydoily)
06/21/2017 at 19:11, STARS: 1
For what it’s worth - I get stones pretty regularly. If they sent him on his way, odds are it’s not large enough that they are concerned about it getting stuck/causing kidney damage. And if it’s not hurting immediately, it may have moved to his bladder and may not pass for a while yet. While they are excruciatingly painful while they are passing, once they pass, there is no more pain and no recovery. It passes and life goes on.
I’m sorry you’re in this spot. It sounds really stressful. I have a similar sounding relationship with my own family and it’s never easy.
"Ssfancyfresh" (scotttt)
06/21/2017 at 19:14, STARS: 0
Ok. Then that’s the right decision. I would only suggest that you Would remove “worry” and “guilt” from your reasoning. Make it something positive.
“Dad, I’m looking forward to our adventure to Colorado and I’m happy to offer my support should there be a need to rise to the occasion” (that’s an internal monologue, btw. Might get slapped for saying that shit out loud)
And maybe these people do or don’t deserve it. Doesn’t matter. You deserve to put yourself first. So that has to be a driving force in your rationale.
Colorado is awesome. Enjoy
"Captain of the Enterprise" (justanotherdayinparadise)
06/21/2017 at 19:39, STARS: 0
Thank you it really isn’t easy. They think it’s in his bladder. Is is supposed to be small around 2mm. Will it just start to hurt once it starts and will he have any control over that (does it only start again when peeing? Or could it start while he’s driving) If you were stuck on an interstate in the middle of Iowa with nothing around would that be bad or manageable? Do you think when it starts to pass again he will have to go to the hospital? How long are you usually in pain when it starts moving from the bladder until it’s out?
"jminer" (jminer)
06/21/2017 at 20:52, STARS: 1
I’m a bit cynical and have a shitty family not too dissimilar from yours. When I was your age I tried to please them all as well. I’m 10 years older now and my attitude is that they can all go fuck themselves.
May not work for you, but move out (and away if you can) and cut them off completely.
That’s my advice, let them grow up a little and try reconnecting in a couple years. My family never grew up and only talk to me when they need money now so I still don’t deal with them.
"Captain of the Enterprise" (justanotherdayinparadise)
06/21/2017 at 21:20, STARS: 0
I’m hoping to move out in a little over a year from now but we’ll see how it goes
"FoilyDoily" (foilydoily)
06/21/2017 at 22:00, STARS: 0
When it decides to move, it will be uncomfortable. Mine have always been more painful before the bladder. It’s painful after the bladder too, just less intense. The pain can come on at any point. Bring the meds, just in case. Unless it gets stuck (2mm really shouldn’t), a hospital wouldn’t be necessary. Other than pain management, there’s not a lot they could really do.
"FoilyDoily" (foilydoily)
06/21/2017 at 22:03, STARS: 0
My last two lasted (from initial pain to passing) a couple of hours and overnight. On the other end, there was once that was almost two weeks of pain.
"Hammerdown" (hammerdown32)
06/22/2017 at 09:23, STARS: 0
Not to introduce another complicated plan, but is anybody (besides your father) old enough to rent a car/truck? If you could find an limited mileage deal with a drop-off it might be worth it to not eat the plane ticket. Ticket is already bought, so weigh out the costs of the rental vs round trip with a vehicle you own.