by "Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
Published 06/21/2017 at 16:53
by "Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
Published 06/21/2017 at 16:53
No Tags
STARS: 8
At my work there is one (1) vending machine that dispenses water and Powerade. On no fewer than two (2) occasions, aforementioned vending machine accepted $1.75 of legal US currency rendered by me (henceforth known as “the aggrieved”). The aggrieved then pressed one (1) of two (2) buttons for bottled water with the expectation that said water would be dispensed by the machine. On no fewer than two (2) occasions, the machine instead dispensed berry Powerade.
The aggrieved usually offered aforementioned berry Powerade to a coworker with the words “you like sugary blue shit right? Take this.”
The aggrieved wishes to seek damages in the following amounts:
$3.50 for the two (2) wrongly dispensed bottles of berry Powerade.
$15,000 for breach of implied contract between the aggrieved and the vending machine.
$500,000 for future medical care
- $100,000 because the aggrieved now drinks less water having been defrauded twice in the past.
-$400,000 because the aggrieved drinks coffee instead of water and drinking coffee makes the aggrieved desire a cigarette.
$250,000 for mental anguish. Although the aggrieved had previously patronized vending machines without incident, the repeated breach of contract and trust has caused the aggrieved immense psychological harm and has led to the development of an alcohol dependency.
"PS9" (PS9)
06/21/2017 at 16:57, STARS: 3
Just bring a water bottle to work next time. And slash the tires of the soda machine guy if you want.
"Frenchlicker" (frenchlicker)
06/21/2017 at 17:00, STARS: 3
So, what kind of car is it that you’re wanting?
"benjrblant" (benjblant)
06/21/2017 at 17:01, STARS: 2
$1.75 for bottled water from a vending machine?
"Textured Soy Protein" (texturedsoyprotein)
06/21/2017 at 17:02, STARS: 2
Doesn’t the vending machine have a phone number posted on it that you call if it takes your money?
"ttyymmnn" (ttyymmnn)
06/21/2017 at 17:02, STARS: 7
That’s got “class action” written all over it.
"WilliamsSW" (williamssw)
06/21/2017 at 17:02, STARS: 7
As your attorney, I advise you to buy a motorcycle.
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 17:06, STARS: 2
I’m supposed to drink it from a trough? Like an animal?
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 17:07, STARS: 1
Rolls, baby
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 17:07, STARS: 0
I just checked and it has a repair number
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 17:08, STARS: 1
This is why I keep you on a retainer
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 17:08, STARS: 1
Can I beat him with the water bottle?
"WilliamsSW" (williamssw)
06/21/2017 at 17:08, STARS: 1
How else can we cover a thing like this righteously?
"Tekamul" (tekamulburner)
06/21/2017 at 17:08, STARS: 1
But a Powerade is, like, 20% water or something. What’s the problem?
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 17:10, STARS: 0
It’s 80% sugary blue shit though. And it makes me look stupid. People are like “lol are u an athlete”?
"You can tell a Finn but you can't tell him much" (youcantellafinn)
06/21/2017 at 17:10, STARS: 1
Only if it’s real heavy duty.
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 17:11, STARS: 2
I’ll get a metal one.
"benjrblant" (benjblant)
06/21/2017 at 17:12, STARS: 1
You could fish it out of the trough with a cup and drink it like a human.
"Tekamul" (tekamulburner)
06/21/2017 at 17:12, STARS: 6
Just peel the label off and write WATER down the side. Some water’s blue. Haven’t you ever been to Jamaica? They’ll never know.
"RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht" (ramblininexile)
06/21/2017 at 17:12, STARS: 3
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 17:12, STARS: 0
This is starting to sound very complicated.
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 17:13, STARS: 7
I already do something similar with gin and I don’t want to press my luck.
"WilliamsSW" (williamssw)
06/21/2017 at 17:15, STARS: 0
I’ve never seen the movie, but I’m pretty sure there’s a line in the book where Dr. Gonzo says ‘as your attorney, I advise you to eat this mescaline’.
"TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts." (thebloody)
06/21/2017 at 17:15, STARS: 4
led to the development of an alcohol dependency.
Pretty sure that was a pre-existing condition...
"Eric @ opposite-lock.com" (theyrerolling)
06/21/2017 at 17:16, STARS: 1
The only water that shade of blue I can think of was in a toilet.
"Eric @ opposite-lock.com" (theyrerolling)
06/21/2017 at 17:21, STARS: 2
Why sue? Undercut. I put multiple vending machines out of business at my last employer with a mini fridge and flats of drinks. Bring in a flat of water, trade chilled water bottles for $1.50 to coworkers. I made more than enough to pay for the fridge and the warehouse club membership to stock that stuff. I was only charging $1.50 for the tall Monsters, vs. the $2.00+ the machine vendor was asking. I think I remember clearing $6 or $8 per flat, a little more for water, and going through about 2-3 of each per quarter.
"XJDano" (xjdano)
06/21/2017 at 17:21, STARS: 1
My wife is allergic to poweraid, so many you are too. Can’t risk it.
"TFSIVTEC drivesavolvo" (drivesaswedishcarmadeinbelgium-)
06/21/2017 at 17:22, STARS: 2
Water? You mean what’s in the toilet?
"Highlander-Datsuns are Forever" (jamesbowland)
06/21/2017 at 17:25, STARS: 2
I thought 30 year Gin was like water, just bring some of that to work.
"Mini Guy- Now has a 4Runner" (gavinharter30)
06/21/2017 at 17:25, STARS: 0
Just say your an athlete. Works for me. Probably because I’m an athlete but whatever
"Highlander-Datsuns are Forever" (jamesbowland)
06/21/2017 at 17:27, STARS: 2
You know that they take city water and bottle it into plastic bottle then sell it for this $1.75/16 OZ, which is a supreme rip off.
"Takuro Spirit" (takurospirit)
06/21/2017 at 17:32, STARS: 2
Can I sue America for not having Brawndo yet?
"Tapas" (tapas)
06/21/2017 at 17:48, STARS: 0
So is my piss.
"jimz" (jimz)
06/21/2017 at 17:49, STARS: 1
just respond “no, I have a serious hangover.”
"Tapas" (tapas)
06/21/2017 at 17:49, STARS: 1
The aggrieved is advised to resolve the issue in absence of cameras and coworkers with a baseball bat or bludgeoning device of choice.
- Not a lawyer
"interstate366, now In The Industry" (interstate366)
06/21/2017 at 17:51, STARS: 1
(Warning: satire ahead)
Ew, you drink water? Water comes from the sky! You know what else comes from the sky? Chemtrails!
"Manwich - now Keto-Friendly" (manwich)
06/21/2017 at 17:56, STARS: 1
"AuthiCooper1300" (rexrod)
06/21/2017 at 17:56, STARS: 1
Jaguar ownership is seriously damaging your normally well-crafted utterances.
First rule: Never “Rolls”.
Second rule:
Never
ever
“Rolls” (or “Roller”, for that matter, unless you want to sound like Bob Hoskins in
The Long Good Friday,
God bless him
.)
Third rule:
Mind your hyphens.
“Rolls-Royce”, not “Rolls Royce” (granted, it is tricky to make a hyphen audible in normal speech, but I am confident that listening to BBC radio programmes taped
before
the Coronation of HM will help.)
Fourth rule: If you fancy a Rolls-Royce you also probably aspire to become a toff (even if a rather caddish one). Better then to say just “Royce”. Those in the know will silently approve.
Fifth rule: As you should already know by now, the best Rolls-Royces are Bentleys.
"Manwich - now Keto-Friendly" (manwich)
06/21/2017 at 17:58, STARS: 3
OH SURE... ATTACK THE VICTIM!!!
"DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time" (dc3ls-)
06/21/2017 at 18:09, STARS: 0
You could buy an entire case of water for 50 cents more than that one bottle lol.
"Tekamul" (tekamulburner)
06/21/2017 at 18:12, STARS: 0
But can you sell it at $1.75 a pint?
"TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts." (thebloody)
06/21/2017 at 18:50, STARS: 2
THERE ARE NO VICTIMS HERE!!11!
"Svart Smart, traded in his Smart" (svartsmart)
06/21/2017 at 18:53, STARS: 1
I would just steal $3.50 worth of company supplies and be done with it.
"Tapas" (tapas)
06/21/2017 at 19:36, STARS: 0
More like $20 a pint. Demand has risen since the russian prostitute thing....
"beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard" (beardsbynelly-Rikerbeard)
06/21/2017 at 19:46, STARS: 0
lol, paying for water in the “Land of the Free”
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 20:10, STARS: 0
STOP SHOUTING IT MAKES ME NEED A DRINK DAMN IT
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 20:10, STARS: 0
I badly want to turn my office into a barter economy. I have put this idea forward many times.
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 20:11, STARS: 0
I’ll add that to the list of damages.
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 20:11, STARS: 1
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay ahead of you, pal
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 20:13, STARS: 1
Excuse me, but I am suing for $765003.50. I think I’m more than making back that money.
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 20:14, STARS: 1
You may think that, but I can confirm that it is very much more intoxicating than water.
"TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts." (thebloody)
06/21/2017 at 20:15, STARS: 1
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT AS IT’S A BAD THING!? BOTTOMS UP YOU BLOODY LIGHTWEIGHT!? YOUR PROBLEM IS YOU DON’T DRINK ENOUGH!
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/21/2017 at 20:16, STARS: 1
I LIKE YOUR WAY OF THINKING AND EMBRACE OT WHOLEHEARTEDLY!
"TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts." (thebloody)
06/21/2017 at 20:37, STARS: 0
ABOUT BLOODY TIME!
"ateamfan42" (ateamfan42)
06/22/2017 at 13:35, STARS: 1
It dispenses sports drinks when water is selected. If that doesn’t qualify as “broken”, I don’t know what does.