by "Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
Published 06/14/2017 at 13:52
by "Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
Published 06/14/2017 at 13:52
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STARS: 3
The suggestions are “take ownership,” “be a straight shooter” (no, workplace violence is not cool, Lifehacker), and “be patient.” A commenter helpfully suggests “not being an asshole” as if it’s somehow your fault that you coworkers are assholes and that you should don a hairshirt in penitence. No, Oppos, let me tell you how you handle a situation where your coworker has overheard you talking shit about them.
For the following scenarios, we’re going to pretend that you were telling you coworkers about a dipshit named Bob and how he’s a dipshit and somehow knowledge of you calling that dipshit Bob a dipshit got back to him.
1) When Bob is in earshot, loudly exclaim “I’m glad Bob found out I think he’s a dipshit, because it saves me the trouble of having to tell him that to his stupid ugly face.”
2) Leave the corpses of small woodland animals in Bob’s cubicle every Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Do this for five weeks, then switch to a Tuesday, Thursday schedule for one week, just to send the message to Bob that he can never let his guard down.
3) Start a drinking game with your coworkers where you all watch Mean Girls and take a drink every time you copy something from the film and do it to Bob. By the end of the film, you will be drunk and can resort to flagellating Bob with a Mean Girls DVD case.
4) Put baby bottles filled with formula in the fridge and label them “Bob’s lunch.”
5) Start an “anti-Bob” club that meets over lunch. Leave fliers advertising this club on the outside wall of Bob’s cubicle.
6) Discover if Bob has a peanut allergy. If so, throw an ice cream party where the only toppings are nut-based.
"For Sweden" (rallybeetle)
06/14/2017 at 13:54, STARS: 9
7) Ban Everyone
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/14/2017 at 13:56, STARS: 4
Hey now, calm down there. You couldn’t have known that I was using “Bob” as a pseudonym for you, you’ve got nothing on me.
"Chariotoflove" (chariotoflove)
06/14/2017 at 14:01, STARS: 4
I need an alternate procedure for when Bob is my boss.
"fourvalleys" (fourvalleys)
06/14/2017 at 14:01, STARS: 3
4) Put baby bottles filled with formula in the fridge and label them “Bob’s lunch.”
Hahah, perfect!
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/14/2017 at 14:03, STARS: 2
Abandon ship. It’s too late by that point.
"Rust and Dust - Oppositelock Forever" (rustanddust)
06/14/2017 at 14:03, STARS: 2
The same applies, it’s just more difficult for all steps after #1, as you’ve been escorted out of the building by security at that point.
"Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer" (smallbear94)
06/14/2017 at 14:03, STARS: 1
Likewise.
"Krieger (@FSKrieger22)" (Krieger22)
06/14/2017 at 14:12, STARS: 1
Nothing about when your boss recounts said trash talking word for word and reveals that your negative employment experience so far was because of that?
"WilliamsSW" (williamssw)
06/14/2017 at 14:13, STARS: 1
I haven’t read the Life hacker article (and won’t), but presume that this is more accurate and helpful anyways.
"WilliamsSW" (williamssw)
06/14/2017 at 14:13, STARS: 4
Same procedure but reverse the order of the steps.
"Chariotoflove" (chariotoflove)
06/14/2017 at 14:14, STARS: 0
Concise, if not very helpful.
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/14/2017 at 14:14, STARS: 6
“I never said that. Are you really going to take that dipshit Bob’s word over mine?”
"PatBateman" (PatBateman)
06/14/2017 at 14:14, STARS: 2
I choose “don’t be an asshole and talk shit about your coworkers at work or anywhere that a coworker might be”. While the coworkers might be assholes, two assholes don’t make a right; it just makes for two assholes.
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
06/14/2017 at 14:15, STARS: 4
That sounds like a really boring working environment.
"Chariotoflove" (chariotoflove)
06/14/2017 at 14:16, STARS: 0
Would need inside help then to pull it all off.
"Chariotoflove" (chariotoflove)
06/14/2017 at 14:17, STARS: 1
I. . .I can work with this.
"WilliamsSW" (williamssw)
06/14/2017 at 14:22, STARS: 1
If you do it right, it goes much quicker, too!
"crowmolly" (crowmolly)
06/14/2017 at 14:22, STARS: 0
7) Repeatedly ask Bob “What would you say you do... here.”
"unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins)" (unclevanos)
06/14/2017 at 14:23, STARS: 1
7) Take a fat Scoob in the refrigerator near Bob’s lunch and watch as coworkers call the police on you for public shitting.
8) Go to jail for that
9) Lawyer up I guess
10) Mistakenly hire Charlie Kelly as your lawyer. He is well versed in bird law
11) Realized you fucked up
"Nothing" (nothingatalluseful)
06/14/2017 at 14:30, STARS: 1
I had two coworkers that couldn’t stand each other. I would play silly practical jokes on each of them, and they would blame each other. It culminated in fully walling one of their cubes in while the guy was on vacation. Good times.
"just-a-scratch" (just-a-scratch)
06/14/2017 at 14:50, STARS: 1
Stop it with the fake hypotheticals. You should KNOW that Bob is a dipshit. We have been trying to forget about Bob since Bob started working. He’s just such a dispshit that web pages are still dedicated to his stupidity. Just look at this garbage:
http://toastytech.com/guis/bob.html
"just-a-scratch" (just-a-scratch)
06/14/2017 at 14:51, STARS: 1
...and ‘working’ is a relative term here.
"My bird IS the word" (mybirdistheword)
06/14/2017 at 15:13, STARS: 0
Easy. Pretend it never happened.
"haveacarortwoorthree2" (haveacarortwoorthree2)
06/14/2017 at 15:50, STARS: 2
Actually, two assholes probably gets you a pretty lucrative gig in .... never mind.
"PatBateman" (PatBateman)
06/14/2017 at 16:22, STARS: 0
You.
I like you.