by "K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
Published 05/31/2017 at 09:03
by "K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
Published 05/31/2017 at 09:03
Tags: Help
STARS: 1
A few close people have noticed or made it known to me, my little confidence or lack there of. I would round down and say I’ve 0%.
I don’t particularly have confidence or trust in myself (appearance/voice/look/weight/size/everything/ect.) to do much of anything I can’t already do on autopilot. And it wouldn’t make much a difference if I changed any of those things because I still wouldn’t have any confidence at all. I could look like some famous celebrity with the ideal looks to make anyone swoon and I’d have zero confidence.
So I guess my options are:
1. Keep running on miserable autopilot
2. Do something different
But I don’t know what to do.
"Roadster Man" (roadsterman)
05/31/2017 at 09:08, STARS: 10
I’m an attorney and I feel like a scared child for the majority of my job.
Fake it ‘til you make it.
"Nibby" (nibby68)
05/31/2017 at 09:08, STARS: 1
!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!
"TorqueToYield" (torquetoyield)
05/31/2017 at 09:09, STARS: 4
Fake it until you make it.
Seriously. Just fake it. Nobody needs to know you’re not confident. You can’t change how you feel easily, but you can change how you act. Just act like somebody confident acts. Shoulders back, speak up, make eye contact, dress nicely, get a nice haircut, fix skin issues, etc etc.
Think of it like a swan. Super calm and graceful above water. Below water the legs are kicking a mile a minute, but you’d never guess it just looking at it.
Also it takes practice, it’s not something that comes easily to introverts (myself included).
"Your boy, BJR" (jerseyshoreben)
05/31/2017 at 09:09, STARS: 0
Just read this then do the exact opposite of anything discussed.
Remember it can always be worse.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Incels/
"RyanFrew" (ryanfrew)
05/31/2017 at 09:20, STARS: 1
Confidence is internally sourced, so you’re right that being able to “make anyone swoon” won’t impact you in the way you’re searching for. What traits do you admire in others? How do you work on gaining those traits, yourself? My confidence comes from things like working out, working hard at my job, and staying in touch with people who always support me, like my family and close friends. And at those times that I’m not confident, roadster is right, fake it.
"RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht" (ramblininexile)
05/31/2017 at 09:21, STARS: 1
I routinely encounter confidence-smashers here at work - just when I think I’ve got everything lined up for a project, somebody higher up takes the wheel and J-hooks the metaphorical car into a telephone pole - at which point everything I didn’t dot i’s and cross t’s on becomes 100% my fault even if it isn’t.
Your routine drains on confidence will be different, of course, but the solution is similar: grumble to yourself a lot and look for ways to partition the bullshit off in your brain. It’s largely about figuring out ways not to give a shit. This sounds like terrible advice, but if you aren’t wrapped up in the ways you can fail and just resolve yourself to plowing ahead, you’ll at least be traveling somewhere and free your brain up from worrying to do more important things - like what you’re doing.
Once you’ve succeeded enough times, it becomes self-reinforcing. Your brain will tell you that giving zero fucks is good habit.
"ttyymmnn" (ttyymmnn)
05/31/2017 at 09:22, STARS: 1
As a performer, I have always had issues with nerves. Every time I put my horn up in a performance, I was worried about what might come out. I was playing scared. But after many years of doing this, and wondering why I was doing it, I finally realized that every time I played I was worried about what other people were going to think about it. Every time I played a solo I thought, “Gee, somebody is really going to like this and be impressed and give me a compliment.” As a result, my head was always in the wrong place at precisely the moment I needed to be focused on making music. All this is to say that you will be much better off if you can divorce yourself from concerns about what other people think, and don’t go through your life seeking affirmation and second guessing yourself. That doesn’t mean being a boor and thinking you can act with impunity (that would qualify you to be the president). It means that you are doing what you know is right and good and you are doing it to the best of your ability, but you are doing it for you and not for somebody else. You can take comfort in the knowledge of a job well done even if you don’t receive kudos afterward. And that can dramatically increase the joy of doing . Will you make a mistake, bust a note, look foolish? Sure. We’re all human. But what others think about it won’t be so important.
You might take a look at the Inner Game books: The Inner Game of Tennis , Inner Skiing , and there might be more (The Inner Game of Music is not very good). These books aren’t important necessarily to learn how to play tennis or ski, but they address the role of your mind in any difficult process. They can help you learn to separate the part of your brain that gives you instructions from the part that innately knows how to do it. They can help you learn to give yourself permission to fail.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 09:22, STARS: 0
Umm......
The first two things I noticed.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Incels/comments/59cffr/this_is_why_you_cant_get_laid/
“You don’t have to try to be someone you’re not. You don’t have to pretend or fake things, you don’t have to play games. Just how men are different so are women and some women will think you’re great for who you are, will be impressed by your interests cause they share them, will like your mindset cause they think like that too.... If this is what you hoped for, this is why you can’t get laid.“
https://www.reddit.com/r/Incels/comments/6ectmd/i_will_fuck_or_date_any_woman_from/
So, keep doing what I’ve been doing?
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 09:22, STARS: 0
Umm......
The first two things I noticed.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Incels/comments/59cffr/this_is_why_you_cant_get_laid/
“You don’t have to try to be someone you’re not. You don’t have to pretend or fake things, you don’t have to play games. Just how men are different so are women and some women will think you’re great for who you are, will be impressed by your interests cause they share them, will like your mindset cause they think like that too.... If this is what you hoped for, this is why you can’t get laid.“
https://www.reddit.com/r/Incels/comments/6ectmd/i_will_fuck_or_date_any_woman_from/
So, keep doing what I’ve been doing?
"random001" (random001)
05/31/2017 at 09:23, STARS: 0
This is a deeply personal situation, man. Been there, you have no idea. Here’s the thing, first ask the question of yourself “Why do I think I have no confidence?” Let’s start with that, ok? What do you think the answer is?
I ask this because I promise it is going somewhere. If you knew me 20 years ago and today, you’d swear I stole that other guy’s identity and made a life with just his name. (I didn’t do this, if anyone is wondering. Looking at you, NSA.)
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 09:23, STARS: 0
Fake what? What is “it”? That saying means nothing to me because I’ve no idea what that means I’m supposed to do.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 09:24, STARS: 0
But this sounds like living your life as a lie just to be accepted by others.
"ChooChooMotherFudger" (choochoomotherfudger)
05/31/2017 at 09:24, STARS: 0
I am no expert but I have a few insights from dealing with my own mental demons.
Take a moment and think of some things you have accomplished that you where scared of.
If you haven’t done anything like that, do it.
Think about how often you judge someone else for something you mentioned “(appearance/voice/look/weight/size/everything/ect.)“. I am going to guess you don’t often (if you do then you should stop)
People aren’t very complicated if you aren’t judging people for that then they probably aren’t judging you. If you do something you feel dumb for (saying “you too” after a waiter says “enjoy your meal”) laugh it off because I guarantee no one else is going to remember it in 5 seconds.
I am not going to pretend I know you, but if you are struggling with confidence in the same way I did there is probably one root thing that seems to feed a lack of confidence, try to address that. How to do that will depends on what it is.
Lastly if you feel like you aren’t happy or living life to the fullest, think about seeing a councilor/therapist. They don’t work for everyone and some are better then others, but worth a try. I saw in another post that you are going to school, see if you school has a program for a cheaper/free group or individual sessions.
"TysMagic" (twjeffery)
05/31/2017 at 09:25, STARS: 0
The biggest things I have to push my new employees to find, confidence and empowerment.
As others have mentioned, fake it till you make it. It really is just appearances. Something I used to do before job interviews is absolutely jam out to music that gets me hyped. I still do that when I need a boost before work. That energy puts me in the right mode to step in to the office/interview/meeting/whatever walking tall and feeling in the zone.
Are there anything things that just really get you jazzed up? Something you could do before going in to that autopilot mode that would shake your mind up a little?
Additionally, how much are you wanting to break from the rut? Is there something new that you could do that would put you in an uncomfortable position to grow? This is an assumptive jump so my apologies if I’m way off base, but toastmasters could really help with developing confidence.
"Party-vi" (party-vi)
05/31/2017 at 09:25, STARS: 1
Dude. Holy shit.
"TysMagic" (twjeffery)
05/31/2017 at 09:25, STARS: 0
good mental image for that!
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 09:27, STARS: 0
1. How can it be internally sourced if you’ve nothing to source it from?
2. I don’t have many people who support me I don’t think.
3. I just don’t get it.
4. I don’t think there are any traits in anyone that I admire that I can actually have because I wasn’t born with them,or raised with them at all.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 09:28, STARS: 0
Holy shit good or bad?
"TorqueToYield" (torquetoyield)
05/31/2017 at 09:28, STARS: 0
There are times for projected confidence and times to be yourself.
Whoever told you to be yourself all the time was lying. Projected confidence is a tool, not a lifestyle.
When I have to get up in front of hundreds of my smartest colleagues and present years worth of work, do you think I’m going to be myself or project as much confidence as I can?
To actually gain confidence is harder, but it can start with projecting some.
"S65" (granthp)
05/31/2017 at 09:30, STARS: 3
I don’t know but have this funny comic
"sm70- why not Duesenberg?" (sm70-whynotduesenberg)
05/31/2017 at 09:32, STARS: 1
What everybody else was saying. Fake it ‘til you make it. I had no self-confidence in HS, but I started acting in a way that everyone thought I was 100% self-assured. Eventually, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and you will start to become self-confident. By the end of HS/freshman year of college I was the kid who everybody knew spoke his mind and didn’t particularly give a shit what other people thought about him. And finally, it had become true.
As long as you don’t overdo it and make yourself a jerk, I promise, it will work. When you act confident, even if you aren’t, people will take notice and treat you differently, and eventually that will result in your own self esteem going up. I cannot cannot cannot stress enough how true this is.
"TysMagic" (twjeffery)
05/31/2017 at 09:33, STARS: 1
Performing totally and completely changed my life! I love the example. I wouldn’t be anywhere near the person I am if I didn’t have the chance to perform like I did in high school and through college (magic verus music, but idea is there).
For me it became seeing the delight in the person’s face. When they see the magic happen, that perfect note, the line delivered in amazing cadence - you see what they looked like as a child as their eyes light up and for that moment you’ve pulled them away from whatever bs is dragging them down. Damn it’s an incredible moment. Thank you for the reminder that I need to get back in to the practice.
"S65" (granthp)
05/31/2017 at 09:34, STARS: 0
Well that’s strange...
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 09:37, STARS: 0
I don’t judge people because I want to, I do it because everyone around me does and I don’t feel as though I’m fitting in unless I follow suite. There’s a Coney Island that I frequent with people every on weekend evenings that’s stock full of stereotypical high schoolers doing stereotypical things and dressing in a way that makes me wonder if I’m at a sit down place or some combination of an electric music festival, a clubbing club, or a strip club. I feel like if I don’t judge any of them like the people around me are then I must be doing something wrong. It’s almost become autopilot/learned action for me to simply do it without a leader now, but before I started I’d simply keep to myself and ignore it all. I normally try to ignore everyone.
Am seeing therapist, that’s all I can say on that matter because I can’t comment if things are better or worse with or without one.
"ttyymmnn" (ttyymmnn)
05/31/2017 at 09:40, STARS: 0
Performing is performing, whether it’s music, magic, sports, public speaking. I used to need anti-anxiety medication to play. Now I don’t.
"Party-vi" (party-vi)
05/31/2017 at 09:43, STARS: 8
It’s like the kid that’s never picked for kickball, and he’s mad that he’s never picked to play kickball, but when they’re making teams he never wants to play and all he wants to do is sit in his own pool of tears about how unfair the whole kickball game is. That, but the “kid” is grown-ass men, and they’re crying about how evil women are for not wanting to fuck them. Meanwhile these same guys call women “whores” and “sluts”. Also, apparently any guy that women like more than these guys are called “Chads”, because all guys that women like are perfect specimens because women have standards that are too high for a normal everyday guy to meet. It...is very sad.
"random001" (random001)
05/31/2017 at 09:45, STARS: 2
Oh, I’d bet you have a lot to source from. Think of something, anything that you’d done. Built a computer, driven a really technically difficult road with ease, kicked ass on that test or project. Anything that you feel a little bit proud of, or feel like it was an accomplishment. Got something? Ok, now think about the fact that there are millions, even billions of other people that couldn’t do it, or haven’t done it. That, my friend, is yours. You did that. And that is cool. Don’t always just look at what you think you can’t do, because no one can do everything, But everyone has something that they have done. Focus on your accomplishments. That’s step 1. Hold on to those.
As for 2, hell, man, you have ALL of us. I don’t have many friends, people I hang out with, that support me every day face to face, but I know I’ve got the Oppos. I know it’s tempting to think about some internet forum as a bunch of faceless people behind keyboards, but we’re all real people. Well, except maybe Jake, I’m still not sure about “him”...
And on 4, whooooo boy. Now we have something to disagree on. No one is born with any traits. I didn’t come into this world being able to rebuild an engine. I learned, and practiced, and screwed up, and got it right. Now I could probably do it without even thinking about it. It’s a skill, to be sure, but also a trait. No one, but no one out there in the world is better than you. Conversely, no one out there is worse than you. As the great Malcolm Reynolds once said: “We’re all just folks here.”
"Your boy, BJR" (jerseyshoreben)
05/31/2017 at 09:45, STARS: 3
Right? Someone linked it to a friends FB status and now I visit it once a week to feel better about myself.
It works wonders, I’ve never been happier.
"TheRealBicycleBuck" (therealbicyclebuck)
05/31/2017 at 09:47, STARS: 0
You’ve heard the term “build confidence.” To gain true confidence, you have to practice being confident. That starts by challenging yourself to do new things that are increasingly difficult. If you aren’t confident in front of an audience, the only way to become confident is to get in front of an audience. Start small and work your way up. A good way to get started is to join Toastmasters .
I find that confidence and courage go hand-in-hand. It’s been said many times in many ways that courage is doing what must be done even though you are afraid. Once you do what must be done, you learn in the doing that there wasn’t as much to fear as you thought. That builds confidence in yourself.
So, to get started, find a way to practice being confident. Practicing means doing something with confidence even though you may not feel confident. In other words, do as others have suggested. Fake it until you feel it.
"Rico" (ricorich)
05/31/2017 at 09:48, STARS: 0
Appearance, size, weight, look = HIT THE GYM. Seriously, this is the “One cool way to change how you look and feel” (click bait link title and all) is by getting into the gym and lifting some weights. Try to work out a few times a week, just the endorphin rush alone is worth it but you will start to look and feel a million times better. Stick to these 3 things and you’ll be set:
Deadlift
Bench
Squat
or DBS for short (like the Aston Martin!)
You’ll look and feel more attractive and confident. Also the testosterone boost and the HGH your body will produce from working out will make you into the man you want to be.
This is part 1, I will respond to this post in a bit with more stuff.
"CB" (jrcb)
05/31/2017 at 09:57, STARS: 1
Gotta agree with performing. I used to be crap with people and couldn’t publicly speak. Then I got roped into a musical. After that, I worked with the public, presented in front of a hundred people, led a three hour lecture, et cetera. Now I work with people all the time, and they seem to think I’m not a shit person.
"jimz" (jimz)
05/31/2017 at 09:59, STARS: 3
“holy shit” as in “an ‘incel’ subreddit is probably the absolute worst place you could seek advice from.”
"nerd_racing" (nerd189)
05/31/2017 at 10:00, STARS: 1
First, DO NOT keep doing what you are currently doing. It will only yield the same results. Change comes from within, do something new every week. Push yourself to be who you want to be. 75% of confidence is personality based, there is merit to the concept of “fake it until you make it.”
Secondly, do not fall into negatively judging people. The more you surround yourself with that kind of negativity, the more it will seep in and make you a negative judgmental person.
Don’t look to others for your own confidence, because they will let you down and it will break. Derive it from yourself and things you can control.
"ChooChooMotherFudger" (choochoomotherfudger)
05/31/2017 at 10:01, STARS: 0
All I can say is do what makes you happy.
If going to those places with people who make you feel like you should makes you happy, then more power to you, but it sounds like it doesn’t. Maybe change what you do, who you hang out with.
"fintail" (fintail)
05/31/2017 at 10:09, STARS: 1
Buy a 924 Turbo and keep it on the road as a DD - if you can actually make it reliable for normal use, be confident of your mechanic and engineering skills.
"fintail" (fintail)
05/31/2017 at 10:11, STARS: 0
I think most people do that to some extent. You either care about the opinions have of you, or don’t, the latter of which requires more confidence and self-awareness, and many who claim to not care actually care the most.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 10:11, STARS: 0
See, I was told “News flash: “stop caring about what other people think” is a horrible fucking way to live your life. Human nature and social interaction is based on a constant flow of first-impressions and judgement. There’s no such thing as “not judging”. There may be few precious archangels of the world that are able to interact with people without judging them and remain completely impartial but that is not how the majority of the world works.”
And what I got from that was that not giving a fuck is a bad idea. But also caring about what others think is a bad idea, is what others have been telling me. So both are bad ideas?
"Rico" (ricorich)
05/31/2017 at 10:11, STARS: 0
I’m convinced this is a small town mindset. If you live in a booming city, you’ll see beautiful women with the sloppiest dudes. I saw a girl a few weeks ago on the bus with a dude that was 5' 7" 350 lbs. It’s all about having game!
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 10:12, STARS: 0
I’ve got nothing that jazzes me up.
"Roadster Man" (roadsterman)
05/31/2017 at 10:13, STARS: 1
Fake confidence! How do you think a confident person would act? How do you see confident people act in your life? Act that way whether you feel like it or not. It takes a long time, but it’ll stick eventually.
I like to keep in mind the idea that nobody has their shit together. Nobody. Seriously, everyone is trying to figure shit out as they go along, and nobody knows what they are doing.
"diplodicus" (diplodicus)
05/31/2017 at 10:14, STARS: 1
I find exercise helps me mentally. Pushing yourself beyond what you believe you are capable of is extremely rewarding mentally.
"Jayhawk Jake" (jayhawkjake)
05/31/2017 at 10:15, STARS: 2
Join a Toastmasters club
"RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht" (ramblininexile)
05/31/2017 at 10:16, STARS: 2
People matter, but a good way to get along with people is to not worry overmuch about *things*. Things which can include being obsessed with “what people will think of me”. Paradoxically, worrying less about *things* helps you with people, because people who come across as more carefree or less socially paralyzed make a better first impression.
I’ve bombed the hell out of some job interviews in my time by being nervous. There’s “caring what other people think”, and there’s worrying about it - they’re not really the same thing. You can care - to a point - but that can’t be what makes you tick.
"functionoverfashion" (functionoverfashion)
05/31/2017 at 10:26, STARS: 0
I think your struggle between caring and not caring what others think is more related to WHO you’re caring about judging you, than about how you frame it in your mind.
I’ve spent too much time in my life with people who I felt were constantly judging me, and it’s exhausting, along with confidence-shattering. I’ve been far happier ignoring those people and finding people to hang out with who either a) shared my interests or b) didn’t judge me for how I spend my time and ideally both.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 10:28, STARS: 0
Because I wasn’t raised for the world we live in today. I was raised for a fairytale land where everything just sorts itself out and comes naturally. Because people are cruel and judging? Because I was a fat kid?
"Rico" (ricorich)
05/31/2017 at 10:28, STARS: 1
It means, even if you don’t have the answers act like you have the answers. You have to realize that it’s a mind over matter kind of thing. If right now your house was on fire and your parents were asleep upstairs, you’ve never saved someone from a fire before but instead of doubling over and laying in a fetal position waiting for the fire to consume you and them - you instead run upstairs, wake them up and help lead them to safety. That’s what it is, it’s being able to take control in the moment even if you’ve never been there before.
"Stapleface" (patrickgruden)
05/31/2017 at 10:29, STARS: 0
This is going to sound kind of dumb, but do you have a job? Somewhere in the service industry is a great way to boost confidence.
Sure, it isn’t the end all, be all, but I was really shy when I was younger. Having a job helped me open up. When you work retail, you don’t have a choice but to talk to people. You do it all day long. You will slowly gain confidence, even if you don’t realize it’s happening.
Working is probably how the majority of the public (once they’re past school age) gains/maintains friendships. You will get to know the people you work with, and your personality will shine through.
Working a menial, minimum wage job kind of sucks. But if it’s confidence you need, I’ve found few better avenues to achieve it.
"Rico" (ricorich)
05/31/2017 at 10:29, STARS: 0
Got to project confidence in order to start believing it/gaining it!
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 10:31, STARS: 0
Sometimes I wish everyone would act how they are...That everyone would act like they haven’t got it together or something.
"Your boy, BJR" (jerseyshoreben)
05/31/2017 at 10:31, STARS: 2
Start by using your contractions the right way. I have tried so hard not to be a dick but you just don’t contract “have” in the possessive.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 10:32, STARS: 0
That sounds dangerous.
"jariten1781" (jariten1781)
05/31/2017 at 10:36, STARS: 0
I’m mainly in the fake it until you make it category, but I’ve seen a ton of people that are helped by the techniques in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) when they needed a boost. Two segments that really stand out are the stuff dealing with Irrational Thoughts and Catastrophizing. The full suite of stuff should really be administered by a professional but you can read up on and self-administer a number of the techniques with dramatic results. There are online versions but I’m not particularly versed in them.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 10:37, STARS: 0
But if I didn’t hang out with those people, I’d have no one to hang out with. I don’t enjoy judging people, but it’s all I have and it doesn’t make me feel better about anything.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 10:44, STARS: 0
I’m an engineering intern. I was a social monarch when I was younger only to realize that my social status was built on being made fun of.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 10:48, STARS: 0
Uh........Okay?
"ChooChooMotherFudger" (choochoomotherfudger)
05/31/2017 at 10:48, STARS: 0
If it doesn’t make you feel better, does not having it make you feel worse?
Either way, the point I am trying to make is if you are feeling stuck in a rut then try something new.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 10:48, STARS: 0
A what?
"TysMagic" (twjeffery)
05/31/2017 at 10:48, STARS: 0
I creeped and here are some things I think get you jazzed:
-your mustang
-Porsches particularly the 944
-hot mustard sauce from McDs
-space battleship yamato
-Spiderman Homecoming (assuming other Marvel things do too)
Realistically a couple of those things could (purely speculative) help get you in a good mind set to feel confident. You’re on oppo so a twisty road on the way to work. Maybe out of the way, but more fun than the direct way. A twisty drive to work listening to a Marvel movie sound track could theoretically amp that up.
I listen to a lot of podcasts. Interestingly the one I was listening to today, sort of relates. A portion of it was on being fearful and how Mike Tyson’s coach, I believe, helped him use that (link for reference
http://approachanxiety.com/a-lesson-on-intimidation-from-mike-tyson/
). What I’m seeing apply here is focusing the energy you have. I saw a lot of the replies saying what is “it” that you are faking til you make. The “it” is the energy on being confident. Using the drive or the podcast or the music or whatever hypes you up to direct your energy towards being confident.
From my creeping, I’m think you might also feel like you’ve lost your spark? Do you think that has a factor in your feelings towards confidence?
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 10:49, STARS: 0
But I’ve never had anything to physically show for it. I could run a 7:47 minute mile and still look exactly the same and I wouldn’t feel so great; and I have.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 10:51, STARS: 0
Having no one makes me feel awful.
"CobraJoe" (cobrajoe)
05/31/2017 at 11:00, STARS: 0
I’ve found that the only way to gain
confidence is to get comfortable doing a certain task, whether it’s
playing a guitar, operating a machine, or talking to women. “Fake it til
you make it” is just a way to help get past that initial fear so you
can start practicing to eventually become comfortable and confident in a
task. That doesn’t mean that you should pretend to know what you’re doing, just pretend that it doesn’t scare you as much as it does, and be honest with your level of skill to yourself and to whoever might be asking.
Speaking in less generalities though, I got my biggest confidence boost when I first went to college. Simply finding other people who are interested in the same hobbies and passions was a huge help, it let me know that I wasn’t “the weird one”. Finding a group or a club that shares your interests is a great way to practice and gain confidence meeting and talking with people while also being around something you enjoy.
Now that I’ve said that, screw trying to get/find/acquire/maintain confidence, just go find an activity you have fun doing, find a group or club that also enjoys it, and have fun. Stop fretting over whether you have or need confidence in all social situations, go find a social situation that’s fun and the confidence will build by itself.
"Stapleface" (patrickgruden)
05/31/2017 at 11:07, STARS: 0
That sucks that this what you had to go through. I know it’s far easier said than done, but don’t let people get you down. You were made fun of before. Screw those people. They weren’t friends, and didn’t care about you. I find it’s much easier to also not give a shit what people think.
"diplodicus" (diplodicus)
05/31/2017 at 11:08, STARS: 1
It’s not about physically showing off. Just pushing yourself to constantly be better. There’s no state of being where you will find confidence or happiness for eternity. Those feelings are fleeting, and its good because they would become boring if they weren’t. Good feelings come from striving to make yourself better. I wouldn’t even consider myself a happy person like I don’t walk around super cheerful or anything. When I have moments of happiness they come from doing accomplishing things that challenge me. Like I adopted a 1yr old dog that had zero training and a ton of energy and I’d never owned a dog before. For the first few months I was like wtf is wrong with me why would I do this to myself I had zero responsibility before. Now I have to house train this dog. I have to walk her everyday and then train her and after all that all she wants to do is play. But I put the work in even when I thought I didn’t have the patience or the energy to do so. And now 2yrs later I’ve got a well behaved dog that I love more than anything. It’s been a ton of work, but if I had just given up when I mentally doubted myself then I wouldn’t reap the rewards of having such a good dog.
"Roadster Man" (roadsterman)
05/31/2017 at 11:13, STARS: 0
I know what you mean. Sadly, that’s not how how people in general work.
"promoted by the color red" (whenindoubtflatout)
05/31/2017 at 11:15, STARS: 0
Be careful when you say you want confidence. Blind confidence is just as bad as no confidence.
What you want is situational confidence, or whatever people want to call it, which means being confident about certain things because you’ve experienced something similar in the past.
It’s okay to not know what to do in a given situation. At my last gig I had little confidence and I let my boss bully me into making unwise choices and doing things that I now understand are wrong. I looked like a total fucking idiot (according to him, anyways), but I filed away all the times when my intuition proved correct. This means I can handle work situations, but there are still many social situations where this doesn’t carry over and I have zero confidence in them.
As others have said, fake it ‘till you make it, but I’ll add that you should learn from these experiences. Sometimes you just have to roll the dice, pick an option, and hope the experience will come in handy someday.
"random001" (random001)
05/31/2017 at 11:16, STARS: 0
Well, first of all, everything works itself out. It may not work out how you think it should, but everything works out.
Nothing comes naturally that isn’t a biological function. You may have different predispositions than other people (ok, not may, do) but nothing is natural in this life. If you have an interest, you tend to work at it, and make it look natural.
People are just people. Some are cruel, most are not. Focus on those that aren’t.
"pdx107" (pdx107)
05/31/2017 at 11:29, STARS: 0
Yeah, I know that feel all too well. Spent a good long while being a social outcast, living somewhere where I hardly knew anyone. I hated who I was, how I looked how I acted and just about everything about myself.
There are days now even still which are like that, some more so than others, even though my life has taken a drastic turn for the better (over the last 15 or so years).
Everything is gradual, embrace your “weirdness” focus on shit that makes you happy, your cars etc. Take your Porsche and make it the best you can, take it to Cars/Coffee if there is one by you? Track days? Auto Cross? Meet new people that way?
Try something new? New hobby, writing? Photography? Make it a goal to visit every X in your town/city this summer? Something to get you out of your comfort zone?
You have people here who want to see you be the best you that you can possibly be. We’ve got your back.
"crowmolly" (crowmolly)
05/31/2017 at 11:34, STARS: 1
Lift weights. Seriously.
Running is one thing, but weight lifting releases more endorphins (makes you feel better) and the set/rep/exercise scheme leads to you setting short term goals (one more rep, 20 more lbs, etc) that boost confidence levels and emotional satisfaction when they are met.
There are published studies that offer proof; I just don’t recall them offhand.
"yamahog" (yamahog)
05/31/2017 at 11:37, STARS: 3
I get the sentiment, but for future reference let’s not link their seepage here.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 11:40, STARS: 0
When does everything work itself out? The most mentally painful and heart paining things to have happened to me have been in the last four years and haven’t at all.
I guess everyone spits venom at some point, so we’re all cruel to an extent, even myself. Goodness I could use a guide.
"ChooChooMotherFudger" (choochoomotherfudger)
05/31/2017 at 11:54, STARS: 0
I know that feeling.
All I can say is baby steps don’t cut everything old out all at once.
"Jayhawk Jake" (jayhawkjake)
05/31/2017 at 12:01, STARS: 0
Do you not have Google in Michigan?
Toastmasters: https://www.toastmasters.org/find-a-club
Find a club near you, start attending. It’ll build your confidence.
"jimz" (jimz)
05/31/2017 at 12:39, STARS: 0
“seepage” is one of those words which just inherently sounds nasty.
"Your boy, BJR" (jerseyshoreben)
05/31/2017 at 12:42, STARS: 1
That is absolutely fair in every single way. Won’t happen again.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 12:46, STARS: 0
Oh my god no....I’m not one of those.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 12:47, STARS: 0
Acknowledged. So at least I’m not that bad right? Am I bad?
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 12:50, STARS: 0
But I thought it was my weirdness that made me insufferable and made people turn left instead of right. My new job is very tiring as I’ve never worked a 7-4 job before. I passed out twice yesterday for two 2-hour periods before and after dinner and I’ve never done that before.
I guess it’s a good thing I’ll be going to California for work for the next two weeks but I’m anxiety-filled about flying.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 12:50, STARS: 0
I’d very much like to shear those old things out if I knew how.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 12:51, STARS: 0
Unfortunately
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 12:52, STARS: 0
But why do some people act better than others then?
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 12:54, STARS: 1
The sad thing is that I’ve no problems performing or speaking in front of people. One professor at my school said I should try radio some time after a presentation on using geothermal heating for buildings. And I played in school orchestras from elementary to high school.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 12:55, STARS: 0
Where does this projected confidence come from?
"Gamecat235" (Gamecat235)
05/31/2017 at 12:57, STARS: 1
It’s actually the complete opposite. This is how the world works. Some extroverts occupy this space by default, without always realizing that this is what they are doing. They do it without the anxiety, their default is to use the world as their sounding board / playground / experimental environment. Most introverts have to learn to deal with these approaches, and as someone who was once too shy to order pizza over the phone (I had a stuttering problem as a kid, and that helped nothing, not even once I figured out how to overcome that, which fortunately, I could - though it does still surface when I am completely flustered), I now teach complex theory and software usage to people who, on average, have at least a master’s degree in a related field. And when I’m in front of them, none of them know I’m an introvert until I tell them I am, or when they encounter me outside of a professional setting.
It’s not dangerous, it’s only dangerous if you use it as an excuse to do things that you already know are stupid or dangerous. Otherwise it’s living by doing and reacting to experiences and inputs.
But... it takes a lot of practice for it to feel natural, but in the meantime, just try it on for size. Step out into the world and experience things with the notion that everyone else is likely faking it too, because in many cases, that’s what confidence is.
There are only so many Chris Knights in the world, most of us (at least on Oppo) are more in the mold of Mitch, Jordan, Kent, Lazlo, Ick, or (for the overconfident assholes we have), Professor Hathaway.
And yes, I can probably tie any life concept to Real Genius. That movie will never get old.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 12:59, STARS: 0
I guess so. I having little to no spark sounds accurate. What I wouldn’t give to be the same kid I was over a decade ago (it’s weird that I can say that now). Although not as fat, even though that’s starting to become an uncontrollable reality.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 13:00, STARS: 0
But I need to and not need to worry about what people think. I somehow need both and I can’t see a balance.
"pdx107" (pdx107)
05/31/2017 at 13:04, STARS: 0
If you are weird, like so many of us, embrace that. Don’t try and be someone you aren’t. I’ve been there done that and it did not go well. You do you. Passing out before and after dinner isn’t ideal but perhaps it is just your body just isn’t used to your schedule. Perhaps modify your sleep schedule?
As for going to California, what airline? What time is your flight? Have you flown before? I hate flying but I know I have to do it, and I do it fairly often. you will be alright.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 13:04, STARS: 0
I’ve fallen into the first two...I know now not to look to others for confidence, but I can’t find confidence in myself, I don’t know where to look.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 13:13, STARS: 0
I’m used to staying up late and reading and browsing the interwebs. I can’t really do that now. I don’t think anyone accepts me the way I am so I’m not sure what I’m changing for if it’s all for being accepted by others.
I’ll be on Delta (done it), it’s an early morning flight (done it), I’ve flown plenty of times before, both in and out of the country. I was mesmerized by it when I was a kid, even when 9/11 happened; but getting older became a thing and ruined it all. It seems getting older makes things worse. I’ve no problems once I’m in the air even though I can’t sleep, but I can’t stand take-offs and landings.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 13:16, STARS: 0
Never heard of Real Genius. But what if fakers call out other fakers for being fake even though they themselves are being fake? I have a compulsive need to deal in absolutes and hypotheticals I’ve just now realized as I type this.
"nerd_racing" (nerd189)
05/31/2017 at 13:17, STARS: 0
Make a list of things you want to be able to do/things you want out of life. Write them out as positive affirming goals. Keep them in your wallet, read them before you fall asleep, daily. If you want to lose weight, “I am so happy to weight XXX lbs.” “I am proud of myself for running a 5k.” “I am so glad I talked to (Insert woman of choice here.)“ Even one small new thing will help build confidence. Start out small and go from there. If you have ever seen The Office, Creed wanted to be able to do a cartwheel. Start there. Pick something easy but new to start, and slowly up the ante. With the right attitude you will be pleasantly surprised what you can do.
"random001" (random001)
05/31/2017 at 13:17, STARS: 0
Ah, the great question. Here’s the thing, you are saying some people are acting worse or better than others. Keep in mind that this in your judgement coming to play. Some people know they are world class a-holes, but most people think they are just fine, and OTHER people are the a-holes. Perspective matters. So really all you can do is decide how you are going to take it. You want a confidence booster? Realize that the power in how you let other people affect you is all yours! I didn’t learn that until I was almost 30, BTW. In your life, truly, the only person whose opinion should matter to you is yours!
I’m as awkward a person as they come. I’m tall and gangly, I have negative chin, I look at myself in pictures and videos and see an awkward lumbering mess. I had kidney stones when i was very young, and the meds I had to take turned my teeth into a Victorian age British mess, my lower jaw is a half inch too short for my face. I spent most of my life feeling uncomfortable in my own skin with no confidence, no social skills, and few real friends.
The problem wasn’t, in fact, what other people thought of me. It was what I thought of myself. So I instead paid attention to what I could do. I could help all my friends fix their cars, computer, houses, whatever. I was pretty good at my job. So I focused on feeling good about what I was good at, because in truth, most people out there in the world don’t look at me and see an awkward mess stumbling about in life. They just see another person. I guarantee that’s what most people see in you, too. Not whatever you have invested your beliefs in about yourself that hold you back. You’re a pretty cool dude. Someone out there who you know is using you to make themselves feel less bad about themselves? Drop them. They don’t like themselves enough to respect you, just forget about them. Just be, man. You do you, and no one else, and things will get better. I guarantee it.
"Gamecat235" (Gamecat235)
05/31/2017 at 13:28, STARS: 0
You should watch the movie. It’s great. And it’s one of the only movies from the 80's that didn’t just fall into straight stereotypes.
And with regard to being called out, there will always be assholes, and there will always be questions you don’t know the answers to (and I’m the same way, I like knowing answers to everything, even edge case scenarios that
might
occur
once,
ever
.) but the underlying concept is to find the line you are comfortable with and follow it (don’t lie about who you are, what you know, or what you can do, but if you think you can probably do something, do it, then learn from the attempt). Learn to acknowledge and admit, externally, what you don’t know, and to appreciate what you do know, and play to your strengths. And as a note, when applied professionally, once you admit what you don’t know, if it’s something that you eventually are expected to know, acknowledge that you need to learn more and find a comfortable way to commit to learning more about it. Whether it’s obsessively reading about a subject until you are fluent, asking for help, taking classes, etc, getting into the world and learning and interacting, while initially terrifying, is hugely rewarding. But it does require a little bit of a leap to kickstart doing it.
Most people are just as scared of failure as you are. Really.
"TorqueToYield" (torquetoyield)
05/31/2017 at 13:57, STARS: 0
That’s the faking it part.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 14:17, STARS: 0
I don’t have a kickstart. Or a comfortable means of getting started, unless there isn’t supposed to be a comfortable way of starting.
"Gamecat235" (Gamecat235)
05/31/2017 at 14:25, STARS: 0
There usually isn’t. Mine was the realization that I needed a job, loved music, and got a job at a record store, but that meant that I had to interact with the public, 5 days a week. So I had to come out of my shell a bit, but I did it in an environment that I knew and loved (I have like 2500 CDs at this point, and over the span of my life, have owned probably close to 4000 different albums in different formats).
From there, I got other jobs, eventually forcing myself into situations where I was promoted into management and literally had to put aside every fear I had or get fired or demoted.
For a lot of people, school can be the kick they need, with drama, or in college, public speaking courses, sometimes people start a bit later than others, but everyone has to start somewhere.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 14:34, STARS: 0
Perspective is tricky. And knowing that it’s up to me to do big things is trickier I feel. I’ve no idea what a negative chin is but if I google it, just did, and that’s really cool! But I’m very uncomfortable in my own skin. Even though I’m not as fat as I used to be (I’m more chubby in the middle than fat now), I still feel like the fat kid, even when there’s genuinely fat and fatter people around me.
Unfortunately I’ve been used in those regards to make someone feel better a lot in the last few years. And I didn’t drop them, they dropped me as if I was the problem.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 14:34, STARS: 0
Perspective is tricky. And knowing that it’s up to me to do big things is trickier I feel. I’ve no idea what a negative chin is but if I google it, just did, and that’s really cool! But I’m very uncomfortable in my own skin. Even though I’m not as fat as I used to be (I’m more chubby in the middle than fat now), I still feel like the fat kid, even when there’s genuinely fat and fatter people around me.
Unfortunately I’ve been used in those regards to make someone feel better a lot in the last few years. And I didn’t drop them, they dropped me as if I was the problem.
"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390)
05/31/2017 at 14:42, STARS: 0
Maybe I haven’t been pushed enough? I don’t know where or how I should start. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try again. But I’d need a completely new way of looking at things to start over again. If I start with what I already know then I’ll probably end up in the same loop again.
"Rico" (ricorich)
05/31/2017 at 14:50, STARS: 0
Try living your life like you are on a job interview for a job you really want. During a job interview you show all your charisma, good attitude and confidence to get the job done even if you’ve never worked for that company/store before - apply that to your interactions in life.
"TysMagic" (twjeffery)
05/31/2017 at 15:05, STARS: 0
Reality kicking in versus the kid a decade ago?