by "BugEyedBimmer - back in the Saddle Dakota Leather" (bugeyedacura)
Published 05/24/2017 at 10:44
by "BugEyedBimmer - back in the Saddle Dakota Leather" (bugeyedacura)
Published 05/24/2017 at 10:44
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STARS: 3
Got a friend in need. I’m the guy that takes a lot of pride in taking care of the people in my life, so I want to help. But the problem is that a good number of the problems in his life are his own doing. And now taking care of him involves bringing him back into my daily life, and I’m not sure I want to reintroduce that kind of stress into my world. I hate calling people poison, but I do know that I enjoy my life a lot more now that there’s some distance between us. I don’t know what to do.
"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
05/24/2017 at 10:49, STARS: 7
You can keep some distance, but still show love and compassion. It’s sort of like dealing with an addict or alcoholic — you have to show them you care, but they also need to face their own consequences so they can see the effect. That is, don’t protect him and don’t let him mess up your life, but show him you’re there for him. It’s hard to do without coming across as “holier than thou” or preachy, but most people need to learn things the hard way, first hand. Just speaking generally...
"Captain of the Enterprise" (justanotherdayinparadise)
05/24/2017 at 10:50, STARS: 2
I think I would need specifics to really give advice, but Ultimatly sometimes it’s really not your responsibility and can be considered enabling depending on what your doing and what the other person is doing.
"crowmolly" (crowmolly)
05/24/2017 at 10:51, STARS: 0
Gonna need more specifics, TBH.
"Biggus Dickus (RevsBro)" (NKlein)
05/24/2017 at 10:54, STARS: 1
I have a “former” friend who put himself in the same situation (multiple DWIs, continuous bad decisions, and etc.) I still talk to him on occasion. I’ve tried to help but he just doesn’t want to take responsibility for his decisions. I have been slowly distancing myself over time and I don’t feel bad about it at all.
Edit: This particular guy is also one of the reasons I am still somewhat hesitant on the legalization if weed. I know most people could probably handle it but seeing a former good friend throw their life away with weed being a major contributor doesn’t make me feel great about it. However, I guess when you break it down, its no different than booze.
"BugEyedBimmer - back in the Saddle Dakota Leather" (bugeyedacura)
05/24/2017 at 11:02, STARS: 0
Dude self destructs at almost every job he’s ever been at. We met at work and I saw it at 2 different dealerships and I have no doubt it’s what happening at his current job. Now he wants me to get him a job at the dealership I’m currently at.
"BugEyedBimmer - back in the Saddle Dakota Leather" (bugeyedacura)
05/24/2017 at 11:04, STARS: 0
He had moved across country for a while and it helped me to start the process of phasing out. But then he moved back and now I’m supposed to take care of him again. It’s frustrating.
"BugEyedBimmer - back in the Saddle Dakota Leather" (bugeyedacura)
05/24/2017 at 11:04, STARS: 0
Dude self destructs at almost every job he’s ever been at. We met at work and I saw it at 2 different dealerships and I have no doubt it’s what happening at his current job. Now he wants me to get him a job at the dealership I’m currently at.
"WilliamsSW" (williamssw)
05/24/2017 at 11:04, STARS: 1
That’s good on you for doing that, and thinking about ways to help him. Ash78's advice is great. In reading your post, it almost sounds like you’re talking about either getting this person a job where you work or having him move in with you. If that’s the case, I would be VERY wary of doing that. Helping friends is great, but not if the cost is a big negative impact on your life. Best to help from a little bit greater distance, if this person has a habit of making destructive choices.
"themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles" (themanwithsauce)
05/24/2017 at 11:06, STARS: 2
Boundaries. You have to know boundaries. Don’t let him closer than you’re comfortable. If it’s an every day, your ass/name are on the line for it kind of help? It sounds like you don’t want that.
I date/used to date (it’s a changing situation) a girl like that and I had to tell her I needed space and we needed to stop dating until she stopped inviting problems into her life and then breaking down into a hot mess because she was overwhelmed by it all.
She finally got some help and dumped her problems into the nearest dumpster and we’re back in each others lives, but with a decent gap between us still. We call once or twice a week and catch up and see a movie or have lunch sometimes but I’m not running out to her house at 2 am with a hot meal because she’s sobbing in the kitchen over more poor decisions of time/money use.
"Textured Soy Protein" (texturedsoyprotein)
05/24/2017 at 11:11, STARS: 6
No.
"WilliamsSW" (williamssw)
05/24/2017 at 11:16, STARS: 4
The problem is that when he self-destructs at your dealership, they’re going to look at you and wonder why you recommended the guy. It could hurt your reputation there - and at a bare minimum, you’ll never be able to get anyone else a job there in the future—
"crowmolly" (crowmolly)
05/24/2017 at 11:17, STARS: 8
No.
If you bring in a self destructive person that will look bad on you and your judgement.
Do not jeopardize your own livelihood.
"PotbellyJoe and 42 others" (potbellyjoe)
05/24/2017 at 11:18, STARS: 1
I am close to a sister and mother of a guy who was recently released from jail after being arrested for cooking meth.
Mom owns rental properties in town and is an awesome old lady in so many ways, sister is a nurse in a big hospital system nearby.
Anyways, back to Bob (fake name). Upon his release, Mom set him up in one of the apartments she owns, she offered to rent it to friends of mine for $1025 in July of last year but managed to get a 6-month renter in there instead. So he has a decent place to live. His partner and child are no longer living with him, but mom is watching the 11-month-old every day. Because of his history of violence and drugs, he can’t be alone with the baby and the mother has made that very, very clear.
So here he is costing his mother rent (he doesn’t pay) and isolated from his family, so he invited a guy he knew from jail (convicted pedo) to live with him in the apartment.
Mom is pissed but knows that if she sends the Sherriff into the apartment to remove the unwanted house guest, there’s a good chance Bob has drugs in the apartment and would get arrested again. There’s no lease contract in place that outlines who can live with Bob, because family.
So mom and sister are trying to find ways to deal with it creatively that wouldn’t involve Bob going to jail and there being some reconciliation between Bob, baby momma, and rest of family.
So yeah I get where you hate having to deal with people who are way down the wrong path, but too stubborn to admit they need help, or too self-centered to see what others already do for them.
"TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts." (thebloody)
05/24/2017 at 11:23, STARS: 2
100% this, don’t put your lively hood on the line because make no mistake, if he self destructs at your job it will negativity relfect on you.
"crowmolly" (crowmolly)
05/24/2017 at 11:23, STARS: 2
IMO you nailed it.
Help but don’t be an enabler.
"Svend" (svend)
05/24/2017 at 11:28, STARS: 1
Got a friend in need. I’m the guy that takes a lot of pride in taking care of the people in my life, so I want to help. But the problem is that a good number of the problems in his life are his own doing . And now taking care of him involves bringing him back into my daily life, and I’m not sure I want to reintroduce that kind of stress into my world . I hate calling people poison, but I do know that I enjoy my life a lot more now that there’s some distance between us . I don’t know what to do.
I know he’s a friend and all but it sounds like you know the answer.
Not only having him back in your life but having him come to work at the same dealership knowing what he’s like will not only reintroduce stress that once was there but also may come to harm you work life too (car dealerships aren’t the most grown up of atmospheres (I used to work at one many moons ago) and tensions come thick and fast, some go, some linger).
It’s great that you want to be there for him and support him but sometimes it’s not helping them at all and sometimes it’s hurting yourself.
You knowing what he’s like I strongly don’t recommend bringing him into your work life.
Sometimes you’ve got to use tough love.
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
05/24/2017 at 11:29, STARS: 2
You can choose your friends, but not your family. I, however, being a cold mother fucker, would and have kicked people to the curb from either group for being fuck ups.
Everyone here has been giving really nice advice, because Oppos are good people. I’m going to counter that with advice from a terrible person: Fuck that shit. There’s no reason for you to have to deal with someone else’s shitty life choices, especially not if it has implications for your job.
"Roadster Man" (roadsterman)
05/24/2017 at 11:33, STARS: 0
You don’t want to have your fingerprints on someone like this. You could hurt your reputation by recommending him for another job.
"CaptDale - is secretly British" (captdale)
05/24/2017 at 11:42, STARS: 0
Just don’t. There are some people that you can’t help because they won’t really help themselves. So don’t bring that back into your life. If you are already feeling weary about it, then I would say it is a pretty bad idea.
"DutchieDC2R" (dutchiedc2r)
05/24/2017 at 11:54, STARS: 0
After reading your comments and the full story, it seems like he’s more of a leecher. Have you thought about this ‘friendship’? I know I dont have all the context and background I need, but, put your own person on the nr.1 spot before reaching out. If this guy is thinking about moving back and already expects you to get him a job and all that, I mean, that’s not how I treat my friends. Especially not ones that have helped me out before.
"TheRealBicycleBuck" (therealbicyclebuck)
05/24/2017 at 11:56, STARS: 1
I would not recommend anyone for a job that I wouldn’t hire myself. I wouldn’t hire anyone unless I though they were competent enough to get the job done. If I wouldn’t hire them, I wouldn’t recommend them.
It’s a simple rule that saves me a lot of headache.
"You can tell a Finn but you can't tell him much" (youcantellafinn)
05/24/2017 at 12:04, STARS: 1
Is your friend an adult? If so he needs to start taking care of himself. Being there for him doesn’t mean that you are obligated to support him, find him a job, or feed him.
"Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies" (jordanwphillips)
05/24/2017 at 12:41, STARS: 2
Heeellllllllllllllllllll NO
"Captain of the Enterprise" (justanotherdayinparadise)
05/24/2017 at 13:25, STARS: 0
Yeah I don’t know if I would do that because it’s putting your reputation on the line.
"davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com" (davesaddiction)
05/24/2017 at 16:14, STARS: 0
No.