by "Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
Published 05/01/2017 at 08:26
by "Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
Published 05/01/2017 at 08:26
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I use Filemaker for my own databases, because ain’t nobody got time for that SQL bullshit. So I was Googling to see how I could get a list of only unique results from Filemaker and happened upon this thread: https://community.filemaker.com/thread/152540
My takeaway from it is that Bill really, really wants you to execute some SQL. Like, really. Like, even if your problem is solved, Bill still wants you to know you could have used ExecuteSQL. Do you think Bill is fucking kidding? Bill is not fucking kidding. Bill wants you to execute that SQL like it’s 1946 in Nuremberg and SQL was an SS commander.
Director never replied, but I think it’s safe to say that Bill ran
ExecuteDirector (
“SELECT DIRECTOR \ “People_who_won’t_use_ExecuteSQL\”
FROM \ “Motherfuckers”;
“Who is laughing now?”
I love database people. I’m not even a database person, and I’ll still go on a 30 minute rave about that one time that I made a dynamic value list.
"TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts." (thebloody)
05/01/2017 at 08:35, STARS: 3
We have a theory that there aren’t any “database people”, just people who kinda know SQL. Our db team are some of the most technically impaired people I’ve ever met, in a *nix shop they’re the only people who have windows machines and god forbid something goes wrong on their machine. They’re down for the day.
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
05/01/2017 at 08:49, STARS: 2
I’ve never been in a workplace where the people responsible for designing and maintaining databases were the most knowledgeable people about databases. At my last job, the database people weren’t even on the same floor as the IT department. I remember a friend of mine going and looking at the backend of the database we all had to use and going ballistic. “Do you know why it takes so long to load a single record? BECAUSE EACH RECORD IS PULLING FIELDS FROM ABOUT TWENTY FUCKING TABLES. THEY HAVE TABLES UPON TABLES OF REFERENCES. Every time you load a record, it has to reference every. Goddamn. Record.”
Just last week I went on a rant for almost an entire day because I got a CSV dump from a database with about 50,000 records only to find that rather than make specific fields for data, they were using these catch all fields for completely different things and then separating them with vertical bars. It took me a good two hours to parse that bullshit out into individual fields so I could actually use it. Only then did a learn that for the fields that actually were present, people were just dumping information into a notes field, because why would you ever want to actually be able to query a database?
Nerdrage.gif
"pip bip - choose Corrour" (hhgttg69)
05/01/2017 at 08:50, STARS: 1
i have absolutely no idea what SQL is
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
05/01/2017 at 08:51, STARS: 1
It’s okay. The most proficient anyone can be in SQL is to know to pronounce it squall. Beyond that it’s all just bluffing and make believe.
"facw" (facw)
05/01/2017 at 09:02, STARS: 3
? Trolling? It’s pronounced “sequel” not “squall”, except when it is just pronounced “S-Q-L” (as in MySQL, and probably some other things). And PostgreSQL is normally just “postgres” because screw their long name.
Also, if I never have to touch Filemaker again, it will still be too soon... There’s something to be said for being able able to quickly produces interfaces to display/edit data, but as a DB it’s real mess.
"Clown Shoe Pilot" (csp)
05/01/2017 at 09:03, STARS: 2
I HAVE worked in a shop where the database people were masters of their craft, and it’s an absolute joy. The last place I worked, we had 3 total DB ninjas and at least 3 other guys that while not ninjas could definitely fuck you up pretty badly.
Our shit ran FAST.
"TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts." (thebloody)
05/01/2017 at 09:06, STARS: 4
Preach! Thankfully I don’t have to interact much with the DBA’s as I’m a systems engineer, however I am on all the firewall approval requests emails and had one of the DBA’s asking to have the database exposed to the internet so he could login without VPN “because he’s having issues with his VPN and needs access now.”... Motherfucker that db has people’s fucking credit card information we have it completely walled off from our internal network and you want to expose it to the outside world so you can fucking log in with putty!?! WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT.
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
05/01/2017 at 09:15, STARS: 2
;)
I would never use Filemaker if more than two other people besides myself ever had to use it, but I will maintain until my dying day that it’s the single best office productivity tool in existence. It’s the Swiss Army Knife of office productivity tools. The combination of easy report design and quick deployability is just the greatest thing ever. I remember once being asked to make a 200+ slide Powerpoint with images. I just faked it all in a Filemaker report, saved it as a PDF, and spent the next few days doing absolutely nothing but complaining about what a slog it was do make a Powerpoint that large.
"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats)
05/01/2017 at 09:18, STARS: 1
That’s amazing. Looking after that sort of information is something I know nothing about, but I knew guys whose entire job was basically just going from preparing for one credit card issuer’s security audit to the next.
"facw" (facw)
05/01/2017 at 09:19, STARS: 0
Yeah, this is, umm, not the case with my company. I don’t think our DB people are awful, but we have regular queries that take 45+ minutes to run. I’m pretty sure that is not remotely optimized. Doesn’t help that they won’t give permissions needed to properly profile queries on the production dbs (and our test dbs are not live mirrors of the production systems, and aren’t under the same loads so don’t manifest many of the same issues).
"TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts." (thebloody)
05/01/2017 at 09:47, STARS: 1
We have an entire department headed by a VP dedicated to it.
"jimz" (jimz)
05/01/2017 at 09:52, STARS: 0
that reminds me of something a while back. (wow, it’s been over 15 years ago. I’m getting old.) This guy wrote a handful of dubious “utilities” for Windows 95/98 and just went around spamming forums and sites non-stop, sometimes as himself, sometimes under other names. Then when found out, he’d create sock-puppet accounts to “defend” him.
https://arstechnica.com/civis/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=1000340&p=19492978#p19492978
"superhead" (superhead)
05/01/2017 at 10:04, STARS: 2
But SQL isn’t that hard...
- A db dev
"CalzoneGolem" (calzonegolem)
05/01/2017 at 10:23, STARS: 1
I love the smell of executed sql in the morning.
Smells like .... synergy.
"Nibbles" (nibbles)
05/01/2017 at 11:09, STARS: 0
I once had a “senior” dba that thought SQL stood for System Query Language
He’s gone now