by "Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan'" (otto-the-croatian)
Published 04/16/2017 at 03:16
by "Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan'" (otto-the-croatian)
Published 04/16/2017 at 03:16
Tags: f8
; oppo
; rant
STARS: 3
Jeeezus Christ what a bunch of bullshit. Holy fucking shit it’s so bad are you kidding me.
I wasn’t expecting much but come on. The Rocks and Vin Diesels’ machismo bullshit, the terrible vomit-inducing script, the religion crap at the end and the nostalgia for PAUL WALKER RIP !!!!!!1!1.
Machismo, racism, american FREEDOM propaganda, - choose your pick, it’s got it all. Go Hollywood.
The whole approach to the film as wrong from the very beginning when they try to sell you frickin’ Pitbull as Cuban music. All of the cars there were nice and polished to perfection, all had correct American muscle car wheels... Which I’ve hardly ever seen on Cuban cars. I remember one of the hype videos where the “director” talked about details and authenticity to the cars... Waht a piece of shit. And when muscle boy Diesel rips apart the body panels we burst out laughing.
The bit with not being able to read Russian was borderline retarded. Such a primitive joke jesus christ. Why the fuck do these people pay millions for college and go in debt so much if you’re still gonna be an illiterate, un-educated fuckwit at the end of it. / Illiterate not because you can’t read cyrillic script, I can’t either, but just the idea of that joke is so primitive and closed-minded in it’s core that the person who thought of it must be either a ten year old or an asshole.
EVERY conversation they have is presented as deep, meaningful and crucial to the story. As soon as these retards open their mouth it’s accompanied with long stares and dramatic pauses. Every conversation is so planned out and fake that it’s impossible to take this shit seriously.
Even the chase at the end was boring and long as shit. You would at least expect them to be able to make a good action sequence - that was the very minimum of my expectations. You watch a bad Hollywood blockbuster for the action, right? You know everything else is gonna be bad. But they didn’t deliver even the minimum of my expectations.
After we left the theatre I had the urge to lock myself in an art museum and eat a copy of classic literature or something just to wash down the uncultured filth they shoved up my ass.
Thank you for your consideration.
"Shady Balkan Subject, Drives an Alfa" (bularmy)
04/16/2017 at 03:31, STARS: 2
At this point can you expect anything other?
The franchise has become the defacto king of dumb action movies. It is interesting where the bubble will burst and the franchise will be laid to rest or rebooted. But this time is at least 2 more movies.
"Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo" (thetomselleck)
04/16/2017 at 03:41, STARS: 1
I seriously thought Fast 5 was going to be the last movie. Until the post credits teaser, of course.
"RallyWrench" (rndlitebmw)
04/16/2017 at 03:49, STARS: 2
So if I read you correctly, the graying late 30's dads with boring jobs, a mortgage, and all the trappings of adulthood crushing their car passion, who were punk-ass 20 year old wannabe drifter kids and midnight back road racers when the first one came out, but whom now look upon that time with nostalgia and just want mindless car-based entertainment while they drink themselves to sleep on Saturday night are going to love it? Copy.
"Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell." (oppisitelock)
04/16/2017 at 04:02, STARS: 0
What did you expect? They’ve made seven of these things and this one was pretty true to the spirit of the last 4. You knew pretty much exactly what you were guna get.
"pip bip - choose Corrour" (hhgttg69)
04/16/2017 at 05:25, STARS: 1
so it’s a ‘quality’ film then
"Flavien Vidal" (flyingfrenchy)
04/16/2017 at 05:27, STARS: 1
Sounds like Fast and Furious to me...
"Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura" (sundowne36)
04/16/2017 at 05:59, STARS: 0
"RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars" (rallydarkstrike)
04/16/2017 at 06:54, STARS: 0
This is why I haven’t watched any since the third one.
"That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms" (thatbastardkurtis5)
04/16/2017 at 07:20, STARS: 0
So...it’s the best one in the series?
"HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles" (hondasfordsvolvo)
04/16/2017 at 08:35, STARS: 2
I just watch the original last night. It’s so bad, but man is it good. I really wish some one would re-boot the series, and really put some love and care into it. give it one once of attention to detail, and maybe hire some one how actually knows how cars work.
But then again one of the reasons the original is so goo to watch is the crazy fashion, both on the characters and the cars, the oh so 2000 music, and the few lines that are pure gold, “bullshit asshole no one likes the Tuna here!”
"HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles" (hondasfordsvolvo)
04/16/2017 at 08:50, STARS: 0
It really should have been.
"HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles" (hondasfordsvolvo)
04/16/2017 at 08:57, STARS: 1
He funny thing is the first movie wasn’t even really about doing crazy stunts, and the two fight seems are just your average brawl. Yeah you had San Fansico street jumps, and the just across the train tracks. But the rest of action was all racing and for the most part at least some what ties to reality. The seen when Vince is stuck to the truck you’re actually worried he might die, in a new one Dom would have just jumped out of his car, ripped the door of the truck and threw the driver out. And the final crash when Dom rolls his car ONCE he’s all banged up and bloody, you know like a person would be.
It’s was a movie about people, and normal cars now it’s basically a super hero movie, with supercars.
"LongbowMkII" (longbowmkii)
04/16/2017 at 08:59, STARS: 0
nah, they took themselves too seriously after the 4th.
"My bird IS the word" (mybirdistheword)
04/16/2017 at 11:19, STARS: 0
You did see the last movie right? Were you expecting better?
I lost it at the line from the trailer “save the whole damn world” by what? Driving fast and stealing vcrs? You kinda walked into this one dude.
"" (bignslow)
04/16/2017 at 12:39, STARS: 0
So it was good, ya?
"Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan'" (otto-the-croatian)
04/16/2017 at 12:59, STARS: 1
Yes, I agree completely. It used to be about the culture as well, you’d get a glimpse into the ideal car-culture and huge meets and you’d see lots of different cars. In this one they picked the most boring and basic cars from that garage...
"Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan'" (otto-the-croatian)
04/16/2017 at 13:01, STARS: 2
Hahaha. and the classic “more than you can afford pal” from one of the first couple of movies.
I don’t think that we’ll watch these new ones in 10 years and laugh at the fashion and car trends because there’s hardly any car culture in the movie...
"Hans Kuiper" (hanschepuve)
04/24/2017 at 01:28, STARS: 0
WORST OF ALL.
PEOPLE LOVED IT, even here on Jalopnik.
The only “car movie” this generation got ruined and is now a XXX, Die Hard, Mission Impossible clone.
I almost got out of the cinema if it wasnt because I paid for expensive tickets.
"Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan'" (otto-the-croatian)
04/24/2017 at 11:26, STARS: 0
yes, so fucking expensive, I forgot about that. I have no idea why it’s so loved, 100% with you there.